Erin.....(IrishEyes) ***
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Erin.....(IrishEyes) ***
| Wed, 11-26-2003 - 4:46pm |
I finally had some free time on the comp. today and I was browsing around seeing what I had missed lately. I read your post and I felt I had to reply. I felt an instant connection with you. Maybe its sad that the best friends I could have anymore are found right here on this board, and that I don't even get the opportunity to correspond with anyone anymore - but I don't feel a connection with people in every day life b/c how often does someone walk up to you and say "I hate myself...how about you?" I thought I was the queen of hating myself. I have good days and bad days like everyone else - but I feel a little set apart from the rest of the world. When I read your post, I wanted to reach through the screen, find you, and give you a hug. I wanted to say, Lets go hang out. Or, come on over and we'll have a pity party together. Lol, I love pity parties-but don't have them anymore...not too many people understand. I'd like to chat with you from time to time. If you don't mind, I'd like your email address. Some things are easier said when its confined to one person rather than to a whole board (believe me, no offense ladies). But, to give you an idea...Everytime something bad happens to me, I feel I deserve it. I feel like when I've made a mistake or hurt someone, all the pain I could possibley experience, I deserve. I don't do this as often as I used to, but I too cut my arms. I've been with people that have had the unfortunate discovery of finding someone they love that had taken their own life. I personally know how traumatic it can be for anyone. So, I automatically think...there's no way I could hurt someone that much - so I still take the knife and slice the tops of my arms. I think its the endorphens (sp?) released that I get a kick out of. When its bad...really bad, I just don't feel like being demeaned is enough punishment for me. Sometimes I want to start a fight with the biggest person I see b/c I know how weak I am and I'd get the crap kicked out of me...but I think sometimes it would make me feel better. Its embarrassing, having to explain "oh, I was playing with my (non-existant) cat and he scratched me" I have scars on my arms now, and it reminds me of the feelings of helplessness and hoplessness. I'm not sure why I seem to think I'm such an awful person. I look around and see people much much worse than I am, yet they feel no remorse for their actions. It bothers me to an extent. It causes me to be bitter at times. Well, there's more I could say, but I won't. I'll stop the rambling. But I sincerely feel your pain and frustration. I hope we are able to keep in touch. I had a friend that was a lot like me in that sense up north, and being able to talk and actually laugh at the situations helped me out a lot. It made me feel...not so alone and kind of relieved. *keep your head up* Have a good thanksgiving, sweety. If you ever want to just vent about anything or nothing at all, feel free to email me. purplepixiedusted@hotmail.com or strawberryfld@hotmail.com (I check them both pretty much every day). **Super Hugz to You** ~Sarah~

I know this message is for Erin, but I HAVE to tell you this.
I always tell people that my scars are from my non existant cat. I don't cut myself, but when I get a cut or something I keep ripping off the scab. I always have bandaids all over.
Pamela
I think it's because I have so much pain inside that I have no tolerance or threshold for physical pain.
But I noticed recently when I had a bad depression again that when I'm in a lot of emotional pain, my skin
feels almost numb. I was was digging my finger nails into my hands and I could barely feel it.
I've heard some cutters say that they cut their skin to distract themselves from the pain inside them. Digging
my finger nails into my hands the other day kind of had the same effect. It was a way to direct the pain and
negative energy inside me. Usually the only thing that really helps me release that energy is to yell in the car
until I'm hoarse. It gives me amazing alleviation from the pain.
But it sounds like you are talking about pain as punishment for being a bad, worthless person. Are you in
therapy? I always felt so worthless before I went to my therapist. She helped me so much. The main thing that
she helped me to do was to stop telling myself these negative terrible things about myself. She showed me
my faulty reasoning in believing that I'm a terrible person. We took apart every example I had in my mind
about why I was a terrible person. She showed me that I was a reasonable person who reacted to things like
any normal person would. She showed me how the cause of my problem and depression was believing I was
worthless just because I'm human and make mistakes. It has helped me to see that everyone is messed up
inside. Most people don't even know how messed up they are. They just take out their pain on other people.
Personally, I think it's more evolved to be depressed than to rage on other people. It's turning the
pain on yourself instead of hurting another person with it. But it's a step towards dealing with your pain,
letting it out and changing the thinking that keep the painful events from continuing to hurt you.
All My Best,
MariaC