Pain, Anger, GUILT *TRIGGERS*

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Pain, Anger, GUILT *TRIGGERS*
4
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 6:46pm
As I posted earlier, I went back to work yesterday. I did this for 2 reasons. 1 was economic and the other was for the distraction. The pain inside me was too much and staying around family was only making it worse. Sick huh? Well, turns out work wasn't the answer either, as I kept having to fight back tears so as to see the road. But the financial draw back forced me back again today. Today I was able to identify some of my pain. I hold myself largely responsible for my dad's death. I have never had an easy time of saying the word "no", especially where my parents are concerned. If I had said no to my dad when he wanted me to buy him a bottle of bourbon or a pack of smokes, he'd still be here. I KNEW BETTER! I knew the meds he was on, I knew his health history, but still I went and bought it for him. I did this to him!

I know I need professional help, but all the "professionals" want to do is brand me an alcoholic so that they can keep their stats up. So, I sit here being consumed by the guilt. I am so angry with myself for doing this to my father. I kept telling myself all the time I was buying him his stuff that he was a big boy and could make his own decisions, but ultimately, it was up to me whether I did it for him or not. Nobody else would have. So I did. I love my dad and wanted him to be happy. I didn't want to kill him. And that's what I feel that I've done. God forgive me!

It hurts so bad inside me right now. I just want the hurt to stop. I can't screw my kids up anymore by doing something to myself, although I still think they'd be better off. There's nothing to ease the pain. I don't know what to do anymore. I've messed everything up. I don't deserve this life, but I'm stuck here. It's hopeless.

Foggy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 8:37pm

(((((((((((((((((((9Foggy))))))))))))))))))))))))))


Sweetie, your father was an adult human being, no you didn't have to go buy him the things he asked you to do.

Avatar for all_girls4me
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 11:25pm
Foggy...you didn't do that to him. He made his own choices, just like all of us do. Nobody else is responsible for that. I think you are probably just going through a normal grief period, which is to be expected. You just lost your dad, you will grieve. Cut yourself some slack and know that we'll always be here for you.

Lots of HHHHHHHUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSS...Ilka



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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Thu, 11-27-2003 - 1:56am
Foggy,

I heartily agree with Trac. She is so wise!

I guarantee that your father would have gotten his alcohol and cigarettes from somewhere if you hadn't supplied them. We want our parents' approval above all things. I have a friend who fought his mom over every cigarette. She still smokes to this day. I showed my stepdad pictures of black lungs and livers with Cirrhosis for years. He stopped smoking ten years after I moved out of the house and wasn't in town to lecture and cajole him. He only recently stopped drinking when he got diabetes. Countless people don't even stop when they get Cirrhosis, or cancer, or lose a lung. You cannot control an addict. They will do what they will do. You took the path of least resistance. The only difference you made is that you made his life peaceful and less conflict-oriented by giving in and getting his addictions for him. Could you have made a difference if you had fought him? You might have, but most likely you would have alienated him. People hate to be told what to do. It only makes them want to keep doing whatever the other person tells them not to do.

Grief is painful and long. You obviously loved and still love your father very much. We all die. As they say, "None of us are getting out of here alive." Your father did what he wanted to and lived on his own terms. YOu gave him what he wanted to show him that you loved him. He knew that you did. That's all that matters now.

Take Care,

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Thu, 11-27-2003 - 8:19am

(((((((((((((((FOGGY)))))))))))))))))


Hon, stop beating up on yourself!!!

Blessed Be!

Laure-co-cl on migraines & headaches