Pain, Anger, GUILT *TRIGGERS*
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| Wed, 11-26-2003 - 6:46pm |
I know I need professional help, but all the "professionals" want to do is brand me an alcoholic so that they can keep their stats up. So, I sit here being consumed by the guilt. I am so angry with myself for doing this to my father. I kept telling myself all the time I was buying him his stuff that he was a big boy and could make his own decisions, but ultimately, it was up to me whether I did it for him or not. Nobody else would have. So I did. I love my dad and wanted him to be happy. I didn't want to kill him. And that's what I feel that I've done. God forgive me!
It hurts so bad inside me right now. I just want the hurt to stop. I can't screw my kids up anymore by doing something to myself, although I still think they'd be better off. There's nothing to ease the pain. I don't know what to do anymore. I've messed everything up. I don't deserve this life, but I'm stuck here. It's hopeless.
Foggy



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Sweetie, your father was an adult human being, no you didn't have to go buy him the things he asked you to do.
Lots of HHHHHHHUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSS...Ilka
I heartily agree with Trac. She is so wise!
I guarantee that your father would have gotten his alcohol and cigarettes from somewhere if you hadn't supplied them. We want our parents' approval above all things. I have a friend who fought his mom over every cigarette. She still smokes to this day. I showed my stepdad pictures of black lungs and livers with Cirrhosis for years. He stopped smoking ten years after I moved out of the house and wasn't in town to lecture and cajole him. He only recently stopped drinking when he got diabetes. Countless people don't even stop when they get Cirrhosis, or cancer, or lose a lung. You cannot control an addict. They will do what they will do. You took the path of least resistance. The only difference you made is that you made his life peaceful and less conflict-oriented by giving in and getting his addictions for him. Could you have made a difference if you had fought him? You might have, but most likely you would have alienated him. People hate to be told what to do. It only makes them want to keep doing whatever the other person tells them not to do.
Grief is painful and long. You obviously loved and still love your father very much. We all die. As they say, "None of us are getting out of here alive." Your father did what he wanted to and lived on his own terms. YOu gave him what he wanted to show him that you loved him. He knew that you did. That's all that matters now.
Take Care,
MariaC
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Hon, stop beating up on yourself!!!
Blessed Be!
Laure-co-cl on migraines & headaches