Happy Thanksgiving/LONG Ramblings
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| Thu, 11-27-2003 - 2:32am |
I've been in a bad way for the past couple of days. The depression I feel could overwhelm the tallest buildings. I've gained 4 pounds and this has been a source of great stress and depression for me. I've had a severe eating disorder in the past and now all tbe ED thinking as come back up again. My recent gain I don't think is from the Trileptal, there's no such side effec and if there is, it's exteremely low. So, that means the gain is from either a gain in muscle mass (I'm lifting very heavy weights on a consistent basis to prepare for a meet) or that I'm PMSing which is making my appetite go through the absoulte roof righ now or that when I was feeling happy in my up moments I just ate becaue I was so happy.My boyfriend and I were eating Reee's PB Sundaes, we had cookies, but nothing really seemed all that bad to warrant huge weight gain especially when I was remaining active. I wasn't obsessively overeating at all,BUT it was an EXTREME difference than the diet I was on previously. Previously, all I ate was protein shakes, tuna, chicken, veggies, a few servings of bread, and boca burgers and more protein shakes and bars. That was it...nothing in between, With the exception of the pizza once a week that was it. My weight always stayed within a certain weight and it did not budge at all. So, my new diet, which won't stay new for very long, has freaked me out quite a bit and has really excerbated both my depression and the eating disorder that's been lying dormant for many years. The variety in foods 2 or 3 times a day over a period of about 3 or 4 weeks, really took its toll on me. Too much change too soon, and although it was making me happy, because let's face who can eat the SAME foods DAY IN AND DAY OUT for a period of 7 months and NOT be depressed!! So, I feel great eating variety, but I feel like crap when I KNOW those numbers on the grand scale had gone up.
Ok, sorry, this isn't an ED board didn't mean to bring all that up, but it's completely related to my depression. MY T said that because my ED was the first to arrive in my lfie in times of great stress, etc., it's going to be the last one to leave. Also, I'm experiencing happiness right now, what's been rare for about a year, especially at this level and I"m realizing that gee it's OK if I don't have Powerlifting in my life, I'm still special without it, it's OK if this that and the other thing isn't around because I'm happy. That feeling, that I don't "need" a clutch is frightening as hell, I automatically drives my brain into feelings of feeling fat, being fat, can't gain, must lose mentality. I'm ot even aware that I'm doing it but I guess I'm so afraid or scared that I'm lossing my clutches, what I used to protect me in times of great need and I feel what will I have if not for the Powerlifting, depression and the eating disorder. In my mind there always HAS to be SOMETHING@+! Yes, I have my family and my boyfriend, but if my boyfriend should decide not to be with me, there's the anorexia, the powerlifting or the depression to run back to. My defense mechanism you can say. My T explained this so much better than I can at the moment. I hope I'm making this clear and I don't sound like a babbling idiot. lol
Bottom line, just extremely depressed, feeling horrible about myself and my body and intensely fearful of gaining even the smallest amount of weight. Which is why I am staying away from the scale for the next 3 weeks or so All of this weigh junk got kicked up because of my recovery from depression and stressors it has arisen.
My depression and anorexia are always related to one another so now if I could justfind a way to make both work at the same time and consistently...the person that would await me on the other end, is almost too happy and almost to "UNREAL" to even entertain. Perhaps I'm afraid of being happy for long periods of time, because they've usually been taken from me just as quickly as they lasted. Many things to work on for Therapy next week but jut need to vent a few things out first.
Thanks so much for listening to me babbling. I try to respond to posts when I can.
Christina

I responded to your previous post just a few minutes ago. The response I put there applies a lot to this post as well.
It sounds like your extreme reaction to gaining weight is what triggered you to become depressed again. It is your judgment of gaining the weight. Well, you know that muscle weighs more than fat. Lifting weight can do that a lot. I'm sure that is what caused the weight gain more than a few Reeses and cookies. You are smart to lay off of the scale for a while. My scale caused me so much depression. I can tell if I'm gaining weight from the mirror and my clothes. Checking even once a week was a way to bring myself down. It was awful.
You obviously work out intensively. Do you really think that you will become fat and unlovable while you are working out so much? I'm not an expert on eating disorders. I had one briefly when I modeled in high school. I know the pressure we women feel to be perfect and not gain. But with your exercise commitment and competition schedule, it sounds like worrying about gaining is a red herring. In fact, if you have been lifting heavier weights, then you were obviously going for a muscle gain. And you got it! With that kind of lifting, you would easily burn off othe cookies and Reeses in your workout.
So you are beating yourself up for something that you wanted to happen: MORE MUSCLE!
I hope that you do something fun this Thanksgiving day. You deserve it.
Take Care,
MariaC
Thank you so much for your reply. It really meant alot. Logically I sort of know it's from a gain in muscle mass. However, I don't "see" myself as muscular, I never did. I always viewed my body as needing more improvement, etc. It's weird but I don't think I work out enough, etc. It's only 3 days a week for about 2 hours. And I did want to gain more muscle so I could increase my strength but the 3 or 4 pounds really through me for a loop and I wasn't expecting that. It can also very well be PMS. I ALWAYS tend to feel like a bloated heffer right before it and it just happens to be a bit worse this week. But because I"m on Trileptal and I've been so worried about weight gain (eventhough it doesn't cause it) I actually panicked to no end when I gained. I'm not used to being this bloated when I get my period and I freaked out completely. I'm just weird. lol It's almost like I need to be hit in the head HARD!!! lol I just have HUGE body image problems, obviously. lol And I get fearful for many reasons but also because I'm afraid of what others would say, "OMG, what happened to christina? She used to be so thin and pretty." My boyfriend's friends said that about a friend's wife. They said, "Wow, her butt got HUGE." She did gain an awful lot of weight but that comment has remained with me ever since making me ridiculously fearful of gaining even an ounce out of fear that others would say the same about me. (I have a big butt to begin with and when I gain that's the FIRST place I gain it, that and my belly) so I guess you can imagine my panic. I'm always very concerned with what others think and say about me, always have been that way.
Ok, sorry for all the babbling but I'm starving and waiting for the turkey to be ready which won't be for another hour or so...lol
In the meantime, I need to stop obsessing and just enjoy life, alot easier said than done however, especially when all these illnesses, depression, eating disorder, has been part of my life since I'm 14. (I'll be 26 in 2 weeks) Another thing I'm having HUGE issues with but that's an ENTIRELY long story and best reserved for a novel. lol
Thanks for listening
Christina
Ok, thanks for responding