Worthless *Triggers*
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| Thu, 11-27-2003 - 12:09pm |
I'm finding I can't be in the same room with my mother for any length of time. And I don't know WHY! I mean, she lost someone she loved just as much as I did. I should be there for her but I just can't handle it. Some rock huh? I've been trying to figure out why I've been distancing myself and have theories but if the theories are right, I'm a bad person. If the theories are wrong, I still have no answers. One thought is that if I distance myself it won't hurt so much when she passes away. The other is that she is grieving in a bottle. Pretty funny huh? My therapist thinks I'm an alcoholic, but I can't handle being around someone who is drunk! If either of these ideas are the cause, what kind of person does that make me? What kind of daughter does that make me? Not a very good one. I have no right to expect anyone to grieve in a way that they are not accustomed to. Drinking is how my mother grieves. It's not my choice but it is hers. So why does it make me so angry? I have no right to feel that way. And, if the other thought is on track, that just makes me a coward. Afraid to face a living person because they're going to die at some point. God! That's just sick thinking! All this = more guilt.
So I'm back to the beginning of this, in that I'm handling this all very poorly. Today is supposed to be a day to be with your family, enjoy their company, "share the love". All I want to do is be by myself. That is not fair to my kids or my mother. I just don't know what my problem is. Other than I'm being very selfish, which is just wrong. I can't get into the whole holiday thing right now. I can usually force myself into "the spirit" but I just can't do it now. Rotten daughter, lousy mother, the list could go on but that's the general idea of where I'm at right now. My 10 yo DD wants to start decorating for Christmas. I can't even go there right now. Getting through today is enough of a challenge. But I don't want to disappoint her. I feel like I'm being pulled in every conceivable direction and just want to be left alone. Again, handling it very poorly. I just don't know how to fix this. I have to fix this. I have to get through this day.



It could be that you are distancing yourself because you are scared to lose your mother. When my friend Ashley died and everyone went out to the bar after, including me, I was quite upset that they were all getting extremely drunk. I had a few drinks, but I felt as if we should be remembering Ash. I told this to a few people, and they said "Ashely wouldn't want us to sit around crying." I guess that was true, but it still didn't make me feel better.
I don't think that you are being a terrible mother or daughter. Everyone handles grief in their own way. You are going through a seriously rough and confusing time. I think if you feel you need to be alone, then you should do it. Can you try to explain your feelings to your family?
Take care of yourself Traci. I am sending you hugs and one of Caly's pocket angels.
Pamela
You are not selfish or a bad person. I'm too afraid to get real close to my boyfriend's friends and family because I'm afraid that one day, he'll decide he won't want to be with me anymore. I get very attached to people VERY quickly and because everything good I experience, or every happiness that I experience gets taken away from me quicker than I can know what's happening, I get paranoid of all good things. It also doesn't help that I'm an extreme introvert. Point being though is that you have every RIGHT to feel the way that you are. It's totally understandable that you are feeling the way you are right now and I don't blame you one bit!! Your mother's drinking probably bothers you because like you said, you're afraid of losing her.
It's OK that you can't be a rock right now. You're only human and it takes a very courageous person to admit that they can't be the rock they want to be! You need to take care of YOU first so that you can be there for your family. It will all come together.
Christina
(((((((((((((((Foggy))))))))))))))) --
I hear an awful lot of "shoulds" in your post!
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