Treadmill to nowhere (long, triggers?)
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| Fri, 11-28-2003 - 1:36pm |
I'm 50 years old, a survivor of child battery and a failed, emotionally abusive marriage. I have two children: a son, now 24, who was crippled in an accident when he was 2 1/2, and a daughter who went to Heaven when she was 1 month old (three days before her brother regained consciousness from his accident). My parents beat me, physically and verbally, until I was 18 (the verbal abuse never stopped until I cut contact with my father at 40). I lived for a time with my sister and with my in-laws, all of whom used me as a servant and told me endlessly that everything about me is wrong. Today, I weigh almost 400 lbs and work a dead-end grunt job that pays me enough to rent a room in someone's house but not have an apartment of my own. Barring three blind dates in 13 years, men will have nothing to do with me except as a buddy. I haven't had my hand held or gotten a serious kiss in all that time. I'm so lonely, and feel so ugly and undesirable, that I could scream (althought no one would hear me). I recently joined an Internet dating site. I've sent out 30 (yes, 30) "flirt" messages -- and I haven't had a single response. My ex-DH used to tell me that my size cancelled everything else about me. Friends (so-called) tell me that "Madison Avenue rules," and that unless I fit the popular profile (read skinny), then I'll never find anyone. I used to think that was nonsense, but 13 years of experience have borne it out.
For 3 1/2 years, I was devotedly in love with a man who, the last time I saw him, made it very clear to me that he wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. In fact, this warm, charming man who had my heart in his hands, was flat-out cold and rude to me. Almost two years later, I dreamed about him the other night, not once but twice. Even hearing his name or seeing his picture (he's a professional entertainer, and I subscribe to a magazine for his field) makes me feel like I've been punched in the stomach. Why I should still feel this way after he threw my love back in my face is a mystery, but then a lot of what I do doesn't make much sense.
I have a passion for movies, and I go to a lot (including seeing favorites over and over). Some of my co-workers have told me, "Gee, Mary, you must really be overpaid if you can afford to keep going to the movies so much!" I politely restrain myself from pointing out that a bargain matinee ticket two or three times a month is a lot cheaper than the two-pack-a-day smoking habit most of them have. But sometimes I wonder if I'm not being a bit silly, for instance, seeing Fellowship of the Ring 13 times on the big screen?
I guess I've spent most of my life feeling like a freak. And why not? That's what I've been told all my life that I am. No wonder I can't find a man. Apparently, I'm nothing but a fat, weird failure.

I didn't read the other reply you received as I wanted to have your post to refer to.
Shame on you Mary for thinking your problems aren't important. I would say you've been through alot more than some of us. What a strong woman you are.
I want you to know that you aren't a "fat, weird failure" to use your terms. What do you love to do? Have you thought about trying to get a job doing what you like?
I read your profile, and you said you like to do needlework. Is this needle point? I like doing needlepoint too! I am a little overweight myself and I am using my needle point in the evenings to stop after supper snacking. It seems to be working for me.
I just wanted you to know that you have had alot of hardship in you life and you deserve to be happy. I want to send you some ((((((hugs)))))).
Take care
Pamela
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Mary)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I can totally relate to how you feel, I have been single again for about 9 years now.and i