My depression hasn't lifted very much and I spent the majority of the past 2 days in bed. I did go to the gym this morning with my brother and friend, who double as my trainers this morning. I hit my max in the bench press. YAY! I was completely elated and then I realized that the state championships I was supposed to compete in is exactly one week away. ;'( I just felt so devastated. Powerlifting has become my idenity, the only thing that makes me feel worthwhile in a world where I feel terribly insecure, unliked and worthless. It's virtually the only thing that really makes me feel "alive" and like my life actually has some direction and purpose. It's just such a devastating feeling to know you had something you worked hard for right in the palm of your hand and you let it slip away. Yes, there is another meet in a few months, but it's trying to get over this one that has proven to be quite difficult.
However, since I can't compete next Saturday, I made an appointment with my hair stylist to have my hair trimmed and highlighted. ;-) I made if for 9:30 in the morning, just about the same time I'd be arriving at the gym for my meet. While I realize, I'll still be thinking about it the whole day, having my hair highlighted will make the day a little less dreary. Maybe that will brighten my spirits a bit. It in no way competes with getting in the top 3 of a state championship, but, hey, at least it's something to make me feel good. I suppose sometimes you have to grab hold of whatever happiness is available and do the best with what you have. I sound much more optimistic than I feel but I'm hoping if I keep repeating it to myself, maybe, just maybe I'll start to believe it.
Christina
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