I think I got it right maybe???????
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| Sat, 11-29-2003 - 2:51pm |
Hello Ladies....
I am starting to feel a bit better as the days go on today I am not in a good mood but then again I never seem to e in a good mood on anyday...
It is the holiday season and I am not a big Christmas person I believe that it is strictly for kids I know I sound like the grinch but I see it this way I have very little money at this point in time I have enough to buy my son presents and send them to him in Arizona and maybe get my neice something, each year at this time I gt stressed out and then come Christmas morning I feel like crap all I want to do is cry I dont smile laugh nothing and this happens every year since I was a teenager if I had money to buy more gifts I would enjoy it more but that isnt the case for me right now.
So I am trying to get myself together to get my son his presents and now I have to buy a dress for the Christmas party for work which I really dont want to go to but I have to or else I am sure I will hear it from the owner on that next work day, I dont want to go cause I see these people 6 days a week and I think that is more than enough time spent with them plus my arms the left one I have left alone and it is healing okay putting coco butter on it along with an ointment but the right arm those cuts are so deep but trying my best not to slice and dice and I wont touch my legs with the razor I love my legs sorry but they are strong and muscular and I get alot of compliments on them (I know I sound so full of myself sorry).
I am trying to not go out for the next few weeks I dont want to drink and end up calling the evil Jon like I always do I I figure I will just veg save some money and get ready for the holidays. My friend Sareen (I told you all that she broke her nose the night before thanksgiving) well she is doing better has no real memory of what happened but she told me one thing that really is standing out she was talking about her nose how she fell this is while we were still in the emergency room and I told her it was an accident that we all make mistakes and she looked at my arms and then looked at me and said to my face I would rather be dead referring to the way that I am...Now I do not blame her at all for what she said she had been drinking alot but my friend Baby said to me that there is truth to what people say when they have been drinking and I believe him I know that when I drink I get a little too honest with people.
So now here I am looking at my arms trying to not cut them up again trying to be happy and pretend to be at least I miss my son so much I hate my life here in Connecticut but too afraid to move back to Ariozona sometimes I catch myself thinking a little too much about my ex and wondrering if we gave up too easily and I shouldnt think that he is married with a baby girl on the way and I am friends with his wife so that is a huge no no on my part.
So I sit here and think of these things and the things that I do and I want to learn to love or like myself I really do but I dont see that happening, I made a huge step well for me that is a huge step which is not weighing myself every day but I am still afraid to gain weight and I know I will start the diet pills again I plan on getting them today Sorry I know bad Erin but I cant help it right now I have to do it.
I look at myself and what I see is not what others see, I was talking to my friend baby and I was telling him that I dont think that I am at all attractive that I se these girls everywhere and I look at them and they have perfect hair and skin color flawless skin and makeup perfect little bodies and then there is me I work out but I dont have the perfect little body or at least I do not see it my hair I hate but my sister loves it I like my eyes kinda green and they shake bonus..... but I am not those girls I want to be one of those girls that guys and women also double take at I dont turn heads I dont make anyone say WOW and then baby says to me that he would rather date someone like me than someone like them but he is my friend he is just saying that, my sunt says to me on thanksgiving as I am walking thru the house that I look like a model cause I am long and lean I have long arms and legs for my height 5'2 and I told her I wasnt even close to that I want to be model material I would like to be like vougegirl is from the board here perfect and pretty but I am not I am erin just Erin nothing special.
And you see that is where all the pain comes in the inside screaming I come to this board to express what I can not there is no one besodes my therapist to talk to and that is when I self distruct and do things to myself Wednesday night at therapy was great I cried I got alot out I showed her the cutting I had done I told her how I felt about me and my life it was draining but in a good way and I want to start my journal again but seem to always forget about it.
Okay this ended up alot longer than I was hoping sorry ladies but the thing is here ladies that I thought that I would be okay in a year but I am now starting to see that it wont happen that I will not be okay for many years and it will be even longer until I am okay with being me but anyways I better run I just wanted tio vent a little thanks alot.
p.s. I was thinking of getting my therapist a little gift for the holidays she really did save me from myself and I wanted to show her how much her being ther has meant and helped me and Ideas???????????????????????
Erin

First off, I am sure that what your Aunt said is true. I don't think she would lie to you about how you look, sweetie.
I also think that your friend Baby was right. I know guys like to look at the "hot chicks" and us girl want to BE the "hot chicks", but most times those girls just have fluff for brains. Not all of 'em, but most. And most aren't the kind of girls that guys would want a rellationship with. I always tell that to myself, because I don't just want a one night stand, I want a relationship. We deserve better, Erin.
Erin my girl, you are a wonderful person. I can understand being stressed about money for Christmas presents. I have 12 people to buy for, and it gets pretty expensive. This year I just got people little things. I know my family will like whatever I get them (they'd better!).
Anyway, I just wanted to answer your post.
Take care
Pamela
I'm so happy for you and proud of you for avoiding going out and drinking. That is really great. You are taking good care of yourself. It keeps you from calling Jon and getting back in a situatioun that makes you feel terrible.
I know that it's tempting to want to be the kind of person that turns heads. I think that it's mostly a matter of how you dress. I turn some heads, but my best friend SERIOUSLY turns heads. She wears high-heeled, platform shoes, a push-up bra, low cut shirts and tight pants. She has big hair too. The ironic part is that she is a therapist and a really wonderful person. She isn't the kind of person people think she is from how she dresses.
All these scummy men come up and harass her. Married men she knows hit on her. Most people I know don't respect her because they think she looks slutty. I've heard people say things like she wears "come f--- me" shoes and that they just can't look away from her breasts.
My friend looks like a Victoria's Secret model. That's what women want to look like, right? But, like you, she beats herself for being "fat," when she has a perfect body. She makes herself as miserable about not being perfect as you make yourself. When you think you are supposed to be "perfect," you can never be happy. No one can be perfect. Judging yourself by those standards means that you will never be perfect enough in your own eyes. As long as you think that's what you need to put all of your attention on, you will tell yourself these bad things about yourself.
If you look gorgeous and turn heads, then women don't like you and men just want to use you for sex and throw you away. It's true, Erin. Trust me, I know. That was my goal for most of my life. I didn't realize that I was making myself a sex object. I just knew that the harder I tried, the more people criticized me. It's a pointless endeavor. I still like to look good, but my attitude now is that I look pretty darned good for 33, so I'm not going to worry about it.
It's more important to me to be happy than to be beautiful. Being beautiful doesn't get you friends or love. It really doesn't. In the last two or three years it has meant more to me to be happy than to be beautiful.
Trust me on this, Erin. I thought that being beautiful was the most important thing for so much of my life. But now I can look back and see that the men who liked me for my looks were not capable of real love. They were shallow and judgmental men. But my husband has loved me when I was the most depressed and fat that I've ever been. He's loved me through illnesses where I threw up all night. He thinks I am sexy and wonderful when I am wearing no makeup, crying, and feeling useless. He loves all of me. He loves who I am on the inside, not how I look on the outside.
I don't have a ton of friends, but the ones that I have like me for who I am on the inside. They don't like me or dislike me based on if I turn heads. In fact Erin, women don't like other women to be too beautiful or too much competition.
I know that our society makes women think we should obsesss about our appearance. But doing that doesn't make us happy, only miserable.
On the other issues you mentioned, I suggest for your therapist, a candle and candle holder is a great gift. You can also get those at TJ Maxx, Kohl's, Marshalls', Target or WalMart. They have really nice looking ones that are super cheap.
It still sounds like you want to go to Arizona. You might be happier there. I have been so much happier since I moved to San Diego. It took me almost three years here to settle in and make friends. But I'm so glad that I made the move.
I'm sorry about what your friend said. She doesn't understand your situation as a cutter. To her it is probably very difficult to understand why someone hurts themselves like that. She doesn't know that it is a way to deal with the pain inside of you.
I'm glad that you love your legs enough to keep from cutting there. Do you mind if I ask you how you feel when you cut yourself? Does it relieve pressure? Do you do it when you are feeling the worst about yourself?
What are you thinking about right before you get the urge to do it?
Way to go on staying away from going out and drinking. It sounds like the best thing you can do for yourself right now.
Take Care,
MariaC