often feel like you'd like to disappear?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
often feel like you'd like to disappear?
7
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 5:02pm
i often feel like that. i just want to cease to exist. this isn't new - this is a common feeling with me. it's not caused by one particular occurrence, but an overriding feeling of gloom of everyday life. i feel somehow that i got cheated out of a happy, fulfilled life. no matter what i try to do, i always seem to end up back here, in this very place.

years ago, during my divorce, my ex told me that i'd probably never be happy. a counselor years ago also told me that there's a good chance i'll always feel this way, becuz my life has sucked. i remember a workmate telling me years ago how she thought it was about time my life changed (& i got some good out of it), but that was over 20 years ago, & i'm no better off at all. in fact, i'm sure i'm worse cuz i've seen what life can do to a person....the toll it can take.

i was emotionally & verbally abused as a kid (from very early on). i always was made to feel like i wasn't quite good enough - always made to feel worse of a human than i really was. seems weird, but even tho i've known different, i still can't shake that overriding feeling.

i've only had one really long lasting relationship in my life (w/my ex), & i left that situation. i wasn't happy, but i didn't realize at the time that i wouldn't be any happier OUT of that situation - i would in fact feel so much more lost. he's been out of my life for years (the person he married after me didn't allow him contact with me), & i've never really found anyone i could stay with since then (that could also stay with me). i'm forever searching & never finding. i'm afraid that time's about running out. i know my hopes sure have gotten far past that point...

i was recently in a 2-month relationship with someone who i was extremely attracted to. i was stupid cuz it was a rebound thing on his part. he ended up going back to his ex & really didn't even look back. that was extremely painful & i'm just now to the point of feeling complete anger instead of hurt.

i've been out of work off & on for a few years (since i quit a long-term job for the state that i could no longer handle becuz of management problems), & now i'll just be starting a half-time job on monday. that adds a lot of stress.

ever feel that you'd like to have a lifetime prescription for valium? i'm usually pretty nervous feeling & i sure could use it. i had saved some valium-type prescription i'd gotten during the time that i was quitting my state job, & i had to take it for about a week after my last relationship broke up. i just felt too anxious & could barely cope.

i'm not looking for anyone to tell me what to do, becuz there aren't any solutions as far as i can tell. what works for one person doesn't work for another since they're coming from different life experiences, etc.

i'm just looking to hear from others who feel as hopeless about their lives as i do. i don't want to feel like i'm the only one out there who's often very lonely & doesn't feel there's much to look forward to. this is the way i've felt through most of my life.

anyone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 7:12pm
I hear ya girl. My only true friend in my small home town moved five hours away today. I feel as if I have nothing to look forward to anymore.

I was emotionally and mentally abused by my dad when I was young. We have an okay relationship now, though. But it is hard to get past all those old things that we had heard.

When I travel to see my brother, which is about four hours away, I always want to park my car and just disappear into the bush and be by myself. I just can take the stressors of life sometimes and I long for a simple life.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone.

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 8:00pm
((((((((((((((Sweetie)))))))))))))))) Welcome to the board.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 10:04am
thanks, pamela. i've often wondered what it would've been like to have had a "normal" childhood, where a person was treated decently & made to feel like they had some real worth. i'm sure it has an effect on the rest of their life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 10:12am
antidepressants really have never worked for me, & i've tried numerous. i need more of an anti-anxiety type of thing - like VALIUM!! i don't feel there's much of a chemical imbalance in my case, just a knowing that my life has always pretty much sucked. it's a burden being alive most of the time, & the bad times FAR outnumber the good.

i haven't had insurance for the past 2 years, so no i haven't been around any doctors much. i just found out that my blood pressure is even higher than it was years ago, so guess i'll be going in january (when i have at least some sort of insurance again). hopefully i can get some sort of prescription then (to mellow me out, cuz that's what i want more than anything). unfortunately i have to pay the first $150 but i guess that'll go fast. just hard to handle on part-time work.

i've really done all the talking to psychologists i want to do, too. i already know where my negativity & all those bad feelings came from. unfortunately knowing that doesn't help you to feel any differently, deep down. that kind of inner turmoil tends to rear its ugly head anytime things aren't going smoothly in one way or another. that's why it would be easier, overall, to hide under a rock. or just disappear....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 10:20am

Yamc;


Sure, probably all of us at one time in our lives has wished that it would all go "away".

Blessed Be!

Laure-co-cl on migraines & headaches

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 1:11pm
I had an extremely abusive childhood, as well. My father was a vicious, manipulative pscyhopath who enjoyed mentaly tormenting all five of us children. My oldest brother is still such a wreck from my dad's abuse that he can barely function. I was fourth of five, so I had the older three heaping their abuse on me in addition to my father's sick machinations. I also had some physical and sexual abuse as well.

Needless to say, I was miserable, depressed wreck from about the time that I was three years old. Every time I made a wish on a birthday or for any other thing, it was the same wish: to be happy. I'd get pep talks from other people, I went to an expensive psychiatrist in high school, I even read some self-help books, which at first made me feel much worse about myself.

I felt that I was doomed to misery.

It was a long road out of my depression, with many slips back into the darkness. I had made major strides, then I moved in with my sister after my divorce. She was so vicious and abusive and I was struggling to start my life over. I ended up in a deeper depression than I had ever been in. It lasted for five years!!! I thought I'd be depressed my whole life. I tried everything to get past it. Finally, I went on antidepressants. That helped me quite a bit, though I still had depression. I made some progress, but still had long periods of really low lows.

I had one more really bad turn over a very traumatic event. After that, I came closer to killing myself than I ever had. Then I finally went into therapy. I found a great therapist from my doctor, who I love. I found out about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. That has helped me to deal with my emotional abuse issues for the first time in my life. Before, I would get cheered up by events, but was so sensitive to criticism and failure that I would go back into the darkness at the drop of a hat.

I still have mood swings, but I rarely go to the dark place anymore. Like you, I felt that I was doomed to a lifetime of misery. I had never known happiness as a child. It's been a long road out of it. One of the best things I've done for myself besides going on medication and going to Cognitive Therapy is weeding out the negative people from my life.

I know our lives haven't been identical, but I intimately know how it feels to be miserable and believe that you are worthless. I always used to feel like I didn't have a right to take up space. I wanted to stop existing so the pain would go away. I just wanted to stop the pain. But now I finally have much less pain. When my mind dwells on the painful memories of my past, I have learned to realize what I am doing and to stop myself. This helps me so much.

I'm sorry for all that you've been through. I'm glad that you found this board. It's a wonderful place to be.

Take Care,

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 4:21pm
maria -

you seem to be the one most closely related to my situation so far. you understand what it's like to want to cease to exist. you're married now tho (i didn't notice your age) & i left mine, which was probably the only one i'll have. i don't know how to get along with someone on a long-term basis, & my unhappiness always shows.

i won't be able to afford therapy of any kind, even with my upcoming insurance (i have to take the cheapest package, & you have to pay too much of the costs on your own - which i can't afford since i'll only be working half-time). so most of that will be out & won't be a consideration. i've never had an interest in seeing a psychologist (etc.) for years anyway, & my opinion about that profession is that they're way overpaid. you may have found something good out where you are, but that doesn't mean it exists here in hicksville.

some of your stuff did hit home though - the part about certain events making you feel good, but then sinking back into the "darkness" soon afterward. i've always lived for events or situations but they're short-lived & i'm back in hell again. i was just thinking earlier of something someone said to me way back around 1976 - she said she knew i was a "lonely girl"...i'm still that way. it's changed very little, even after all this time. loneliness is the worst thing. why didn't i think of that when i left my marriage? there was no way that i wasn't gonna end up overly lonely again (not belonging to anything, which is killer to me)...if i had thought it over more carefully & remembered what my life was like BEFORE i got married, i would not have left. sure, we fought like cats & dogs, but he was loyal & many other good things (that i'd forgotten & took for granted).

i haven't had a good social life for years. (when i think back, maybe i never did - most of it involved drinking & going out, but not really connecting on personal levels where music scenes, etc., weren't involved) i'd joined an activities club around here last year, & made a few friends, but i can't really afford it now nor do i want to do most of the activities they plan - so i'll be bowing out soon. there are so few people i really "connect" with on a basis i can sustain for a long time... i'm sure i'm my own worst enemy where that type of thing's concerned, but i can't fake like i'm fitting in where i don't feel i do.

you had an interesting quote:

"It is better to have loved and lost than to live with the psycho the rest of your life."

that's actually funny cuz when my last boyfriend left me to go back to his ex, this is how i was told to feel about the situation... only for the 2 months we practically lived together (i was off work & was able to visit him up north a lot), i didn't feel the nagging lonely feelings i usually do, & i actually liked waking up in the morning. since he's out of my life & i'm back with NOTHING, i feel worse than before the whole thing happened.

unless someone's been on their own (struggling either mentally, emotionally, or financially all the time), & hasn't really had many people to count on overall, it's very hard to understand the disconnect that happens. it's like me against the world, & there's been very few moments when i haven't felt like that.

of course you're not supposed to depend on others for your happiness, but i do. i can't find it within - never have been for more than a moment here & a moment there (& it was always connected somehow to a person). so i'll probably be doomed to be unhappy or doomed to make others miserable.

i just feel it's not fair that i've had to live this life, or that i should be forced to continue it when i'm in constant & drastic pain & anxiety. if there were an easy or painless way out, believe me..i would've taken it. sometimes driving into a brick wall sounds like a nice thing.

my world sucks.