New to board/Please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
New to board/Please help
3
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 6:53pm
Hello Everyone. I am brand new to this board, though I have been on the relationship board on Ivilliage before. I guess I am reaching out. I never really let myself need anyone. I am very independant, I stand alone. I do things my own way. I am also severely depressed. I cannot remember a time in my life where I was not fighting depression. My earliest memories are as a preteen wishing that I could just stop existing so the pain would go away. The thing is that there doesnt NEED to be anything wrong for me to be depressed it just happens whenever it wants to I guess and I don't have any control over the fits. As I have gotten older, it gets worse. I get stressed out a lot and have anxiety attacks. Over the stupidest things too like getting lost in the car or an electronic device not working. I will pound on my steering wheel and cry. Telling myself the whole time it is dumb and to stop, but I can't. I have a doctors appt on tuesday to discuss medication and treatment. I am looking forward to a change, to being able to control the depression. I am hopeful that my doc will be able to help me help myself.

My current problem is a past friend of mine who knows about the increased breakdowns and anxiety attacks. He has recently turned on me. It is a pretty long story but it comes down to this. He came onto me a couple of months ago and I turned him down, very gently and respectfully but he still turned on me then and verbally attacked me. I waited it out and made up with him because I hate to lose a friend. Recently he has turned to Satanism and I voiced a concern for him. I was not disrespectful and I did not belittle his choice. He turned on me again only this time it is much harsher than any verbal attack I have ever had to deal with. He has ripped about my religious beliefs, my character, my whole life. He even went as far as to say that It would bring him joy if my son died because he would enjoy knowing that I was suffering over it. I know now that this man is not my friend, and in all honesty probably never was, and certainly never will be again. I have tried to ignore him, but he reaches out to attack me every chance he gets and has actually said that he is commited to destroying my life. What can I do? Ignoring him isnt going to work and I am not emotionally strong enough to fight him right now. I am crying even as I write this. My hands shake and I want to receed into myself. I feel betrayed in the worst way and it is having a serious effect on me holding everything together.

Thank you for listening.

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 7:17pm
Hi April

Just wanted to welcome you to the board.

This guy sounds really scary. I am assuming that you have told him to stay away from you? If not, I think you need to do that.

Anyway, hope to learn more about you.

Take care

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 7:30pm

(((April))) Welcome and (((((hugs)))) sweetie.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 6:04pm
Thank you so much Pamela and Foggy. The support is very much appreciated. I have taken steps thus far with friends of mine that have spoken with him on my behalf and as of right now he "says" that he is going to back down. I have prited out all of his emails and messages that he has left online and should he contact me again I will be going to the police dept about a restraining order. Maybe even just the idea that he is not going to back me into a corner and I will seek legal help might be enough to make him go away. In the event that it does not, I am going no where alone right now. My brother is also staying with me so he knows better than to come to my house. I will be very careful though and have told him not to contact me again. My lawyer is aware of the situation as are all of my friends and immediate family. I am prepared to take whatever steps I need to to resolve this situation in a safe-non violent manner.

I am doing a little better today with all of the support that I have been recieving and I am probably going to try Welbutrin so that there are no physical side effects (IE-Not wanting people to touch/hug you) I don't think I could willingly take medicine that would make me not want to hug my son.

Again, I thank you ever so much,

April