Handled things poorly?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Handled things poorly?
7
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 8:54pm

I'm worried that I've sent the 'wrong message' to my kids over the past week.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 9:23pm
I'm so sorry for your loss...It sounds like you are handling things well under the circumstances. Besed on reading your post, I can tell you have put alot of time and energy into being there for your kids...I think you may be short changing yourself here. You are having some good dialog with your 14 year old daughter...that's somthing 14 year olds can be completely horrible. And your kids are benefiting greatly from that snuggle time, even if your head isn't totally there your warm skin and heart beat are, they can't totally read your mind either. I think you all just need a bit more time and things will get better...the pain is still so fresh for everyone.

Best,

Amy
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2000
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 10:04pm
Hey traci,

Sorry its taken me so long to write but in one week I hit a parked tractor and the next day got a ticket for no setbelt. Then I proceeded to get Thanksgiving preparations under way. I started the night before got to moms at 11am who I had dressed for the day and got her breakfast and lunch only to have her sleep fromm 11am til 4pm. Could have cooked the whole dam dinner at my house but I thought she would enjoy having people around. I can't bitch though dinner was a success and it will probably be her last family gathering. I know this because her emphysema is getting the upper hand now.

By the way just wanted you to know it was my son who got in the accident I was just taking the rap for him. You see he just got his permit and my hubby has been a bit uptight so I told my son I would take the blame. He has been so cute worrying and checkin in with me and I said Thomas yes we will tell dad but maybe in a couple years.

~~~~~~~~~~Well Hon ~~~~one Day At A time~~~~lov Amy~~~~~Friend Always ~~~~~~~~
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2003
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 5:15am
Let me start by saying that you are only human, and can only deal with things the way you know how. I don't think you did anything wrong in the sense of dealing with your father's death. Seriously. I know what it's like to be the strong one and not letting tihngs out. But sometimes, and somehow, I always crack. Your daughter is going to also. It just may take a little bit of time. Then she'll let it out and start the whole grieving process. Who knows? She may have already, and won't tell you. I know that's what I used to do. Death and my family somehow seem to go hand and hand. Even though I'm never ready to deal with it, I somehow always accept it. Whether I deal with things right or wrong, I don't know, but that's part of dealing with it. I'm sure your 14 yo is the same. I say keep doing all the "mom" things you're doing. Talking to her about it, talking to your other kids about it. Making them feel secure about the situation. I hope this helps a little, and make sure you keep me posted.

Take care!

Trixie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 8:28am
(((Foggy))) I am so sorry about your dad. I'm sorry I wasn't around to lend you support when you really needed it! I think you are handling things just fine. What you told your 14 year old was exactly right. Hugs again. Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 9:23am

Hi foggy!


Sorry things are soo hard right now, and I know grief is a really difficult thing because everyone goes thru the process differently and at different times..


I had a suggestion though, I know I have read about it and seen it advertised here in VT but have you considered looking into a grief program for you and your family.. Sometimes they offer things like a weekend retreat where you all can go and talk things out with counselors or just find ways to express your feelings with other families going thru the same thing. I hear its very cathartic.


You could contact your local hospital about programs like this..


I understand totally how you feel hun,, I grew up in a "hold it all in" type of family too.. I wasnt allowed to cry when My grandfather died because being the oldest (13 at the time) my Mother said it would upset my younger brother and sister.. didnt matter that it messed me up for years not being able to grieve.


Sending lots of support your way!

*hugs

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 10:14am

Foggy;


I agree with the other women, on the fact that you are doing the best you can in the situation.

Blessed Be!

Laure-co-cl on migraines & headaches

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 9:36am


(((((((((((((((((((((((((foggy)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I know where you are coming from with the dont feel trust ect.... thing I grew up the same way well not exactly the same way different households family ect..but the alcoholism runs in my family like water.

Grwoing up we didnt talk about how grandma drank and beat my mom aunt and uncle or how my grandfather worked way too much so he wouldnt have to deal with it, or how my dad left us high and dry and really screwed my mom over and messed up my head and my sisters head and how my dad drank so much that he would not come home I was way too young to remember those things but my sister does.

So we just sisnt talk about it those were words that were wispered but those wispers where very loud too loud.

So my mom never really showed love I know that she loves my sister very much me well I came at a bad time parents were seperated ect.....so I was different I am not saying that my mom didnt want me but I came at the highest point of stress in her life so what she couldnt do for me my aunt did but anyways I dont want to get into my family this is about you.

What I am trying to say is this I held so much in growing up emotions that I wanted and needed to express were bottled up and stayed bottled up until that bottle exploded.

you cant change you right now but you can tell your kids thats its okay let them see you cry talk with your oldest about your dad maybe if she sees you showing emotion she will see that it is okay for her to show emotion or maybe she cries when she is alone that way her younger siblings dont have to see it.

I know how hard it is to always have to be the stong one I was not the strong one at all but my sister was and now she has learned to not be she is still my rock but she knows now when to be strong and when to let someone be strong for her.

I know I was probably no help what so ever and I am sorry, I have way too much energy these past few days and I tend to babble sorry.

I will think more of ways to help you but in the meantime I will be thinking of you and sending you nothing but good vibes and positive thoughts.

Erin