Have D and are in a relationship?
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Have D and are in a relationship?
| Sun, 11-30-2003 - 10:55pm |
I do not have depression, my ex does. We are in sporadic contact and I think that he is in a hospital somewhere. I have not pushed for us to get back together (although I would like to one day have that be an option). I want him to get well.
I post on another board that is for us significant others that are with a depressed person. I know that it is not easy for either partner in a relationship and even more difficult with depression thrown into the picture. So many of the people there are saying run run run from a relationship with a depressed person, that it's too difficult in the long run. I know many of you out there are with someone. How do you do it? I mean, how do you handle your depression and also maintain a relationship with someone? I don't want to think that a relationship with someone with depression is impossible.
Thoughts?

Isabelle,
I was in a relationship for a while but it ended not because of me being depressed but because I wanted to focus on me and work on the things that are not right for me plus I lost all interest in this man and felt that even though her still wanted to be with me it wasnt fair to be with him just to have someone there we are now very good friends and he has been there thru it all suicide threats going into the hospital cutting up my arms me crying having fits of rage screaming at people you name it I have done it.
It is hard and it is work but if you really love the person that you are with who has depression you will fight along with them you will be there to love and support them, I know tha damage that depression causes I see it in my family my sister my son my friends but it cause much more damage to the person that is suffering from it.
I know that it is scary to think about depression and alot of people dont understand it they think of loony bins at least that is what I thought until it happened to me for me it was different years in the making and then bam like I thinder bolt it came and crashed on me at one time total blackness and I tore my family apart made them worry and get mad at me i jumped from job to job snapping and fighting with co workers ect...
the point is if you love him and want to be with him dont push like you said you have not done that but let him know that you are there if he should need you I wishe you luck
Erin
Thanks for posting. You touched on a lot of important things. Aside from the fact that he is not capable right now of being in a relationship, I have been wondering if it is even worth it in the long run. His depression will return, this isn't a one time deal. It's not even that I think he's crazy or in the loony bin. I think his brain is not functioning the way it should which means he is not feeling, acting, being the way he should. I am just starting to wonder if I am the crazy one for sticking around! :)
Anyhow, best of luck to you.
Isa
you are not crazy in the least...
Look for me when I got really bad I was numb totally numb all I felt was sad empty alone I could still get out of bed in the morning take a shower get dressed do my hair and makeup and go to work I just put on the old mask and got thru the day but as soon as I left work the mask came off and I lost it all that I held in through out the day poured out of me.
It is so hard to be around someone like that it takes alot out of you me knowing what I do now I see that not only did I have no life in me but I would drain the life out of those closest to me and that kills to because it tore me apart from my son and the only man that I ever loved.
If you choose to try to be there for him I highly suggest for you a support group that way you have somewhere to turn for support and advice that way you know that you are not alone in this..I think it is awesome that you posted here asking questions it shows that you are enough about this man to try to help him.
any more questions dont hesitate to post and ask okay.
Erin
(((((Isa))))), it's great that you want to support him in his depression.
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CL-ladybug987
My suggestion for you is to find out as much as you can about how Men deal with depression because its very different then women do.
there is a great site http://www.maledepression.com/
*hugs
We are technically not together and although it's hard for me to accept at times (geez, after 3 months, you think I would be past this point!), I want him to get better. That is his main priority and as someone on the 'outside', all I can do is be supportive and remind him that I'm here if he needs me.
I've read and read and read on the topic. I found that is was the best way to be supportive: understand the disease and not face it blindly. Also, it's helped me understand what he is going through and how to deal with it. And if one day, he gets better and we can be a 'we' again, I most definitely need to find a support group.
Thanks a lot, you guys, for your input!
Whether or not you can have a relationship, especially a happy one, with a depressed person has a lot to do with how he handles it.
My dh stood by me for the first 5 years of our relationship when I was in a deep depression. I don't know how he did it. He's an angel! There were days when I couldn't even get out of bed to take a shower.
I am mostly recovered at this point, with occasional lapses. He helped me to see the world differently, but I didn't start to feel better until I went on antidepressants. I didn't make the major part of my recovery until I found a good therapist.
My mom has been with my depressed stepdad for over 20 years. He's a sweet man, but boy is he depressing! She's not exactly a happy woman, but he drags even her down. He has plenty of reason to be depressed since he had a tough time for most of his life before he met my mom. But I think she could have had a happier life with a happier person. She almost never has fun. They've tried therapy, but their therapist fired them because he found them so frustrating.
I just recommended the book "I Don't Want to Talk About It: The Secret Legacy of Male Depression" by Terrence Real to another poster on this board. It's a great book to understand the male psyche and male depression. I think you could get something out of it too. But also ask yourself, "Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who'se depressed?" Maybe you love him, but is love enough reason to be with someone? I couldn't be with a depressed person. It's all I can to do to keep myself up and happy. Life's tough enough without seeking out a relationship with someone you know is depressed. It's tough enough to get everything done without that part.
After a while, my husband really got tired of my depression. Who could blame him? We almost split up. It was a long road back for us. It didn't really happen until I got myself better. His love and support didn't do it for me. People can only cure their own depression in the end. We have to do our own work. No one's love, support, or kind words can penetrate a depressed person. We don't feel those things. The pain inside is too great.
Whatever you decide, know going in that you can never fix this person, no matter how much and how well you love him. He's the only one who can help himself. He may not be willing to do the work.
Good Luck,
MariaC
How do YOU do it...how do we do it.
Well..from my side I feel embarrased...a burden....I want to be normal for my husband..but I have a hard time reaching the norm. Whatever that is.
I feel guilty for having dragged him into my world somtimes.
Bottom line is I feel guilt..embarrassed...and a burden.
I want to be ok..have it go away...try every drug there is to just wake up and not feel overwhelmed or sad.
Would I be better alone and not a burden? Perhaps yes..but I pray he never leaves me.
In the meantime I keep trying to hide it..apologizing for it...and waiting for the day he says he cant handle it anymore.