cutting and other things poss triggers

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
cutting and other things poss triggers
6
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 11:32am


I cut there it is out in the open right in front of my face I cut up my arms I watch the blood form on my arm then drip down unto the floor I watch it and I cry I look at my arm and cry wondering why do I do this to myself then I remember why I deserve it it doesnt hurt while I am doing it after it hurts like hell but I can sit and do 15 cuts in a row and feel nothing...I cut because I feel alive when I do it the pain afterwards the blood proves to me that I exist...I cut because I hurt in my head in my heart in my whole body there are things inside of me that I cant talk about that I do not want to talk about cause then it makes it all real and if I dont say it or type it than it isnt real...

I believe that I deserve all the bad stuff...I have sex with whomever because of the way I feel afterwards I hate myself afterwards I want to cry I feel used I feel like dirt but that is why I had sex with jon or jason or whomever because I knew how I would feel after the fact and I feel that I deserve to feel like crap all the time hurt myself before anyone else does right....

I did drugs to feel numb for a moment and hate what I did afterwards I deserve it

I took laxatives vomited diet pills not only to loose weight but because I didnt deserve to eat if I ate I needed to punish myself..

I hate me plain and simple I hate myself I feel that I do not deserve to be happy to live to be loved to love to smile laugh nothing good is to ever come my way because I do not deserve that..I know alot of you may sit and say yes you do or that I am special or loved and I think that is great that you have such beliefe in me and I appreciate the kind words and the support but you also have to understand that I do not belive any of that to me to hear it is great but in my head my screwed up brain it is just nothing for me to believe I will never believe in me or what people say about me unless it is negative if someone was to tell me I looked fat I would say yes I am fat and ugly and a pig and a monster ect....if they said I looked good I would just dismiss it as lies...

I am so sorry if I have hurt or offended anyone at all I never want to hurt others I hurt me way before I would ever hurt anyone else that is my motto hurt myself before someone hurts me it is easier that way.

Well anyways I know that MariaC asked about why I do it and I hope that I was able to answer her question.

I am sorry for writting all of this I am up and down for a few days now hyper not hyper talking too fast not talking at all .

I gotta run..thanks for listening sorry again if I offended or hurt anyone.

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 11:51am
(((Erin)))

I can completely understand what you are saying. I don't cut myself, but I do pick at scabs and the blood and pain are so comforting.

I just wanted to say that I can relate and that I think you are a great person. You are right, though when you say that you need to learn to love yourself. When I go for my walk/jog I always say positive things about myself. PLease try this, it seems to be helping a little. I just say "I am a good person, I am a good sister, I don't intentionally hurt people" etc.

Thinking of you Erin....

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 1:14pm
here sweetie, i found some sites for you to look at if you want

i know how you feel, i cut myself too sometimes and yes, it is comforting

http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html

http://bipolar.about.com/cs/selfharm/

http://www.angelfire.com/bc3/secondchance/

http://www.geocities.com/bnl_jgk/mainpage.html

i hope it helps

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 1:49pm
Erin,

You didn't offend me. You were very honest. I appreciate that so much. You very accurately expressed to us the immense pain that is inside of you. I am sorry that you are in so much pain. I know what it's like to have nothing but pain inside. I don't know what it is like to be you, but I know what it is like to suffer.

Why do you think that you deserve only pain? What is it that you are afraid to talk about? What is it that you are afraid to make real? Why do you think that you are a monster?

I used to feel like I was a monster. I obsessed about my weight and wore expensive clothes and layers of makeup, so that no one would see the monster underneath.

Why did I feel like I was a monster? Because my dad raped me when I was 5 years old. Everything changed then. I felt that for something so awful to happen to me, I must be a monster. I mistook the pain that caused me for who I was. I had so much pain. I thought I was the pain. I thought I was the evil that he did to me.

I felt unworthy of everything, Erin. I sabotaged every good thing that came my way. Anyone that loved me I would push away with anger. I was mad that they were trying to love me when I was such a monster. I had to show them the monster I was so that they would go away. Then I felt sorry for myself because once again I was unlovable.

Are you in therapy, Erin? You should be seeing a therapist who is an expert in cutting. Someone who knows about your condition.

You clearly have a lot of pain from your past. Not talking about the past doesn't make it go away. All of those memories and that pain is still inside of you. It is coming out in your cutting. The only way you know to feel alive is through pain because you feel so far away from any happiness.

I'm here for you, Erin. I am sorry that I was gone for so long. I have had a crazy few months. But I am here for you now.

Take Care,

MariaC

Avatar for karenmrh
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 2:15pm
Hi Erin:

I do understand what you feel and why you cut because I am a cutter too. I think I cut less because I will not let my children see my shame, so I try to bargain and only cut so much.

The other self-destructive stuff you do is really the same as cutting, just in a different way. Even the self-hatred is a part of the whole "cutting" thing (they really need to come up with a set name for it).

The shame makes it worse.

Don't hide your scars from people who can help you. With the help of your tdoc, maybe you can find a different way to do this. Despite how many view cutting, it does serve a pupose in keeping us sane and in control and NOT killing ourselves. It's just not a real good long term solution.

Hugs,

KarenMRH

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 3:48pm
Im a cutter too..I cut cos it stops the pain of whats going on around me.

Its a frustration thing.

Im really ashamed..cos its so childish

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 5:56pm
Erin, you can disregard me all you'd like - trust me...I know you'll still feel that skepticism towards my remarks, but I don't care. What I say, especially here, is sincere. When I speak from my heart, there are no other thoughts in my mind. Let me tell you something, you lifted me up when my days were tough. I wasn't even upset so much at myself when I read your posts, but I get like that quite often. Reading the replies has helped me as well. Ya' know...I always hated myself b/c I was verbally abused by my alcoholic father growing up. I know, to some, verbal abuse doesn't seem like too much. Oh my god, how I wish I could say you were right. Perhaps that's where my self hatred began. I was never smart enough or good enough at random every day things. Having someone hunt you down just to tell you how horrible you are hurts so very much inside...It got to the point where I would hide and hit my head as hard as I could...so long as it hurt and left a mark. I guess subconsiously I want to be called out sometimes. Otherwise, I'd probably find a better place to hurt myself. People see the marks, and ask...but I coward out of it by sayin "cat scratch". I guess sometimes, I would just like to hear someone care.

Everyone here cares. That's why I tell you gals a lot of things. That, and the anonymity of it all helps it to come out. Erin, you helped me realize that I'm not alone in my self hatred and the levels that I get to. I honestly scare myself sometimes with how deep into a hole I sink by simply hating myself. There could be 20 people around me saying I'm a good person...but I don't take it to heart. Like people go out of there way to tell you how wonderful a person you are and all the wonderful things about you that they adore. It just doesn't happen. Erin, take care of yourself...and just remember, your a sweet girl that can relate to a lot more people than you probably realize. SOmetimes, all the emotions we feel on a day to day basis that stem from depression can be used to help other people get through there bad days when they don't quite understand what's going on. When we help other people deal, it makes it a bit better just knowing that we could help. Luv ya'. **hugz** ~Sarah