I WON'T BURDEN ANYONE ANYMORE TRIGGERS
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I WON'T BURDEN ANYONE ANYMORE TRIGGERS
| Mon, 12-01-2003 - 1:19pm |
I am at peace with my decision. I told my mom I had plans to kill myself and she said I need to be in the hospital. I disagree. If I am in the hospital then I can't kill myself and have the answer that I know is best. I have weighed the pros and the cons and it is the right thing for me to do. I will no longer be the burden. I have not only major depressive disorder but also PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder, the first two I can fairly deal with but the Borderline one is just making me nuts. It doesn't seem like there is any cure in it. It seems to have its roots in genes and I don't know my genes because I am adopted. I am so screwed up and I am tired of screwing up everyone else around me. Everyone here has been wonderful to me and I am sorry that I have not been a better person to you all. Advice I have given probably wasn't worth anything just like me. I am sorry and I hope that down the road you all will be able to forgive. I hold all of you close in my heart and I hope that you all can overcome this beast called depression. I will miss you all but I need to do what is best for me and it seems that this is the only answer because I don't see any hope around me as to me getting better. Just the burden. Andrea

i'm scared for you and i'm scared for myself and i don't want you to go through with it, there has to be another way
God please don't do this! I was at the place you are at only a year and a half ago. I am many times better now. Happier than I have ever been!
You are right that Borderline Personality Disorder is a difficult diagnosis. However, you are wrong about there being now cure. The reason it is hard to treat people with Borderline is that they usually do not see that they have problem. That is the challenge with all personality disorders. However, since you know that your emotional problems lay within yourself, you don't have the same wall that most people with Borderline have.
So your situation is not hopeless at all!
If a person with Borderline knows that their perception of situations is what causes their pain and they are willing to do work on that in therapy, then they can lead happy productive lives.
If you kill yourself, you will cause more pain to others than you ever could cause by staying alive. THIS IS TRUE, Andrea! Your mother will never get over you killing yourself. Parents don't get over this thing. She took you in and raised you as her daughter. She loves you like she has never loved anyone. Losing you will put her in more pain for the rest of her life than you are in right now.
Also, people who know someone who has killed themselves are much more likely to kill themselves. So if you kill yourself, you are creating a domino effect for people around you to kill themselves too, creating a massive wave of pain that will affect thousands of people. Trust me, this is true. Do you want to cause so much pain to others?
PTSD is very treatable. EMDR and Cogntive Therapy have extremely high success rates with healing trauma.
Because you know that your emotional problems lie in your own perception of the world, your Borderline condition is VERY treatable too. It just requires the right therapist who can work with you long term.
If you kill yourself, all of us here will also feel like failures. You have given us such great advice. You have given us caring and hope. Don't negate that by showing us the best thing for us to do is give up.
If I had given up last year, I would have missed out on the best part of my life. I'm so grateful that I didn't.
The last thing I have to say is that suicide is not an escape. I don't know if you believe in God, but I have read many books about people who have died and been resuscitated. People who tried to kill themselves all say the same thing: That they take the pain inside them with them. It does not go away. They have to work even harder on the other side to heal the pain than they would have had to work over here. You don't get to escape this pain you are in. There is no way to do that except through working through it in your life. That means therapy, that means opening your mind to new ways of perceiving what is going on around you.
I see the world so differently now. I see that other people are just as messed up as I am and their behavior is not personal. I see that I've made generalizations about my own worth based on completely unrelated events. I see that I am a kind, giving person who makes as many mistakes as anyone else. I'm no better or worse than anyone. And neither are you, Andrea.
Please email me directly. I am here for you. I know that dark road of suicidal thoughts all too well.
Love,
MariaC
I lost my best buddy in the whole wide world - He killed himeself and
I'm so broken _ I can't even tell you what it does to the people around you.
I think of Don everyday . PLEASE DON"T KILL YOURSELF.
Write to me - rksmommy@yahoo.com If you want to vent -
It'll be a year this Dec4th for Don's death date. I miss him so much - I'd give anything to talk to him - etc.....
I'm crying just thinking of the all the emtions I had - our 2 dds are hurting as well.
I'm here if you need me
Jenn- missing her best buddyDon in the whole wide world.
When we are like this we need to trust the judgement of others, those that care for us and love us. Mental illness of any kind causes people to lose what the pdocs call "insight," basically the ability to judge ourselves and our environment. I know you have been at this point again and again over the last months, and it all just seems so HARD to hold on, but you need to trust us and your family. Don't take this route. Hold on for us, even if you don't believe anything else.
KarenMRH
Look I am not going to sugar coat any of this for you I am tired of sugar coating things for people especially for those who want to die...
I will probably get shunned at here or yelled at I dont know but you have to listen to what I have to say...
If you want to die there is nothing any of us can do we dont know where you live or how to get ahold of someone to help you all we are able to do is sit here read your posts and worry.
I am not going to try to pretend that I know what you are going thru or that I undestand anything about you, my best friend was abopted and she has alot of issues that she has no answers to like you...
I have cycthlymic disorder which is a chronic form of bi polar disorder they also think I have borderline personality disorder but we each have our own forms of these disorders that we each battle each and everyday.
A year ago I made all the plans to kill myself I was ready to go because like you thought that I was nothing but a screw up that all I did was mess up peoples lives that I did no good in the world and that I would never do goodbut you know what I have a child who loves me whom I would die for and to leave him well I would go to hell for that.
I also thought about how selffish I was being who do I think I am to make me so special that I get to decide if I live ro die when did I become God or allah or whatever it is that is out there when did I become the person that gets to make that decision and then the really selffish part kicked in what about my son my family to leave them like that with no answers to their questions they would be forever struck with an eternal question of WHY?? Who did I think I was I always thought of myself as selffish but wow being wanting to kill myself well that took the cake.
So then I came up with this and it is true killing yourself is the most selffish thing that you could ever do in your life when you do that you are only thinking of yourself and no one else, it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I have been there I have the scars to prove it I have my own black hole that is so deep at times there is no light at all at times I feel that I still want to die but then I think of all that I just wrote to you.
there is hope left there is so much more to life than you have experianced and life is about all the good stuff and the bad stuff,, I dont think that you want to die I think that you want help that this is your way of screaming for it and I think that you should go to the hospital and get help and recover and live you life cause I know if it wasnt for someone being a hrad ass on me that I wouldnt have gone to the hospital and gotten help and I am still getting help and learning to live with all of this, my sister was the hard ass in my case but I was a bigger hard ass to myself.
Andrea I cant stop you none of us can we are not near you all we can do is offer you words of encouragement and hope that you will choose to live and I hope that you do choose to live cause as corney as this sounds life is beautiful sometimes painful but beautiful trust me please
Erin
Im glad your writtin ...it shows you want help.
Its selfish...you have people that need you and will be devastated you are gone. But good for you you will be away from your pain...who cares about the pain you leave everyone else.
Do you realize one post from you in here might save someone else?
One thing you do...in one day might change someones life.
Make a deal..get help...put yourself in the hospital...amuse us...and if after all that you dont feel better, then the choice is yours.
I will miss you...I hope that matters.
Love
Linda