Ramble....*triggers*
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| Mon, 12-01-2003 - 4:39pm |
I am just feeling so lost, without an anchor. Dead inside but my temper is just so touchy, every little thing and I pounding my fist into some poor piece of furniture.
I sorta finally have a second line pdoc (man these people are so full of themselves). When I asked what kind of experience he had it was like....I've been practicing for 23 yrs. I should of pushed but there's no one else to see within 50 miles of where I live, that is approved by my insurance. I mean the pdoc I see at the clinic has been practicing longer....and she has given up on me.
I don't know what I am anymore, or who I am or see any future different than this day endlessly repeated like the movie "Groundhog Day" (which was based on the book "Replay" - highly recommend it).
I don't seem to be having any ups at all, just this touchiness like my nerves are raw and exposed and some tiger is crawling up my back, claws out.
I cut and it helps a little, I drink some too (can't seem to get drunk, though) and at least I sleep without waking up 4 or 5 times a night.
But what does this all really mean and what in the h*11 can any doc really do for me at this point. I just hate myself so much. And I wish I could leave, but I am my children’s' only real parent since my husband just gave up being a father in every way except name. I not very good for them right now, in fact I am probably giving DD #1 lots of stuff to talk about in therapy - if I could ever get her to go.
How did I get here? I had dreams once. Nothing ambitious - just a job, a family, a person to love and a house - and peace. I spend my time holding on to it all and not enjoying it one bit. Trying to save it from my husband's wish to destroy it all.
I wish there was someone to rescue me, 'cause I can't seem to save myself. But there is nobody to rescue me, there never has been. Even when I was a kid I was responsible for my siblings, but no one cared about a depressed, thin-skinned, weird kid. (And yes that is what I was, and yes no one cared.)
KarenMRH

Karen....
Hold onto your dreams dont ever let them go and they are good dreams very good dreams you want what alot of people want...what I want and I hope that one day I will have that...
I dont know what is with your husband why he wasnt you to be so unhappy I really am no good in that area never been married or to have someone want to make me so sad I have been lucky in that area all my ex wanted from me was to be happy that was all I do a good enough job on myself to make me miserable dont need anyone else to do it for me.
The cutting I can relate to but you know that already...I didnt do it all weekend was okay today however was a different story I think my job has something to do with it I am not happy challenged borred I know I can do better but afraid to leave cause I need insurance I need medication I have freedom here to go to my doctor appointments anywhere else would be hard to do it all, I have been with volvo for two years now longest I held a job ever I usually last a year and then flake classic sign of bp I guess.
Well anyways I just wanted you to know that I am here I wish I could give better advice to you or something but not too good at it at the moment bad day I guess.
Good luck dont let go...and never give up.
Erin