Ramble....*triggers*

Avatar for karenmrh
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Ramble....*triggers*
1
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 4:39pm
Hugs All:

I am just feeling so lost, without an anchor. Dead inside but my temper is just so touchy, every little thing and I pounding my fist into some poor piece of furniture.

I sorta finally have a second line pdoc (man these people are so full of themselves). When I asked what kind of experience he had it was like....I've been practicing for 23 yrs. I should of pushed but there's no one else to see within 50 miles of where I live, that is approved by my insurance. I mean the pdoc I see at the clinic has been practicing longer....and she has given up on me.

I don't know what I am anymore, or who I am or see any future different than this day endlessly repeated like the movie "Groundhog Day" (which was based on the book "Replay" - highly recommend it).

I don't seem to be having any ups at all, just this touchiness like my nerves are raw and exposed and some tiger is crawling up my back, claws out.

I cut and it helps a little, I drink some too (can't seem to get drunk, though) and at least I sleep without waking up 4 or 5 times a night.

But what does this all really mean and what in the h*11 can any doc really do for me at this point. I just hate myself so much. And I wish I could leave, but I am my children’s' only real parent since my husband just gave up being a father in every way except name. I not very good for them right now, in fact I am probably giving DD #1 lots of stuff to talk about in therapy - if I could ever get her to go.

How did I get here? I had dreams once. Nothing ambitious - just a job, a family, a person to love and a house - and peace. I spend my time holding on to it all and not enjoying it one bit. Trying to save it from my husband's wish to destroy it all.

I wish there was someone to rescue me, 'cause I can't seem to save myself. But there is nobody to rescue me, there never has been. Even when I was a kid I was responsible for my siblings, but no one cared about a depressed, thin-skinned, weird kid. (And yes that is what I was, and yes no one cared.)

KarenMRH

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 5:46pm



Karen....

Hold onto your dreams dont ever let them go and they are good dreams very good dreams you want what alot of people want...what I want and I hope that one day I will have that...

I dont know what is with your husband why he wasnt you to be so unhappy I really am no good in that area never been married or to have someone want to make me so sad I have been lucky in that area all my ex wanted from me was to be happy that was all I do a good enough job on myself to make me miserable dont need anyone else to do it for me.

The cutting I can relate to but you know that already...I didnt do it all weekend was okay today however was a different story I think my job has something to do with it I am not happy challenged borred I know I can do better but afraid to leave cause I need insurance I need medication I have freedom here to go to my doctor appointments anywhere else would be hard to do it all, I have been with volvo for two years now longest I held a job ever I usually last a year and then flake classic sign of bp I guess.

Well anyways I just wanted you to know that I am here I wish I could give better advice to you or something but not too good at it at the moment bad day I guess.

Good luck dont let go...and never give up.

Erin