I have a few thoughts and ?'s plz read

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
I have a few thoughts and ?'s plz read
4
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 4:54pm



I cut again today 4 times more three going from my wrist to mid arm one straight across my wrist not too deep just enough, crazy thing is I go to the pdoc tomorrow I guess I gotta show him and he is going to ask such annoying questions that I hate.

I remind myself of that song by nine inch nail "I hurt myself today to see if I could feel I focus on the pain the only thing thats real" yup thats me.

So I was thinking about looking into hypnosis to maybe uncover the reason behind all of this alot of happened to me in my life I was not beaten or any of that stuff but there is something there I can feel it sence it that is why I cant speak of it I cant make it real I mean there are a bunch of other things that I wont talk about that are very clear in my head like I said before if I speak them than it makes it all very real too real and that means that there is something wrong with me very wrong.

I was thinking about readingfanatic and what she wrote how she wants to die I feel bad at what I wrote to her but I am being very truthful and spoke from my heart and we are all selffish at times I am we all are and i hide alot from my family I really do mostly shame my neice saw my arms thank god she is 4 and doesnt get it yet but still I dont know if my sister saw and isnt saying anything who knows.

I found out yesterday that my roommate Luis is suicidal has the thoughts no plans bt that he has had depression for about 10 years he came from a family that believes that you deal with your own problems you dont see a shrink and you dont talk about it the only reason that I know is my sister told me she thinks that seeing me has helped Luis in a way to go talk to someone he saw how bad I was a year ago and that I am sloowly getting better and I guess he feels that he can go and feel a little better also...If my sister only knew huh..

So anyways life is forever evolving isnt it

I keep thinking about arizona moving there being with my son Jakob god he is 5 and a half now god Iremember the day he was born so little tiny feet tiny hands big beautiful eyes killer smile which he still has perfect little nose beautiful almond shaped eyes (Like mine) even at his age he has an awesome sense of humor teachers say he is the funniest kid in the school so smart too god I miss him I havent spent a christmas with him in almost 4 years now four years I havent seen him open up a christmas present four years god what is wrong with me I am so horrible I am a pice of garbage

I am so sorry god this was just supposed to be a question not a novel I am so sorry ladies.

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 6:19pm
Erin

I have often thought of hypnosis. But then I know alot of therapists say if you can't remember it don't bring it up. But I would really like to know if I was sexually abused or not, but then I also think of what that would do to me if I was. Ya know?

Anyway, I just wanted to send you some ((((((hugs)))))) sweetie.

Take care

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 2:27am
You don't need to be sorry, Erin. That's what this place is for. Letting out your feelings.

I'm so sorry Erin. I feel like I triggered you into another trauma by asking you about what triggers you to cut. I'm so sorry, Sweetie. I'm really worried about you. I'm training to be a therapist right now, but I sure feel like I'm a bad one. I'm so sorry.

If you look into hypnosis, I recommend someone who specializes in helping people heal trauma. My DH did hypnotherapy in conjunction with his therapy years ago. His therapist recommended the hypnotherapist and even attended the sessions. This way the therapist knew what was revealed in hypnosis. The therapist could also make sure that the hypnotherapist didn't lead the client. Hypnotherapists can cause people to have false memories with the power of suggestion when someone's subconscious is so vulnerable. I highly recommend asking your therapist to help you with this. If he or she doesn't believe in it, you can call other therapists and hypnotherapists.

It sounds like you need to do some major internal healing with the guidance of a therapist who is used to helping people do the deep, inner work. The pain inside you is tormenting you, Sweetie.

Do you really feel like your therapy is not helping you? If that's true, you might consider changing therapists. It's important to feel like your therapist helps you move forward. It took me a while to find a therapist who made a major difference for me.

Maybe cutting is a replacement for the sense of aliveness and self-punishment you used to get from sleeping from men who didn't treat you well.

To me it does sounds like you have made progress. You consciously stopped sleeping with Luis. He tried hard to get you to keep doing it, but you stayed away, even though he lives in your house. Now you are keeping yourself from going out on the town so that you don't drink and don't end up sleeping with Jon or another man who will only make you feel badly about yourself. That's amazing progress! Cutting is how you are coping with the pain that is inside you.

I wish there was something I could do or say to help, Erin. I'm so sorry if I made this situation worse for you. I admire your honesty and the work you are doing in therapy.

All My Best,

MariaC



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 5:44am

Erin;


I'm sorry that it's rough for you right now!

Blessed Be!

Laure-co-cl on migraines & headaches

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 6:16am

((((((((((((((((ERIN)))))))))))))) Sweetie, I just want you to know that you're taking the right steps in getting the help you deserve.