to suhara82 & all of you

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
to suhara82 & all of you
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 6:18pm


Sarah,

I just read your post to me wow.....Thank you

Thank you to all of you awesome ladies it isnt that I dont listen to what is being said or trust what is being said it is just I dont believe what is being said I see it like this if I am a sweet person nice person pretty person than why is it that I only deserve the bad stuff I know that we all have made mistakes that we are all not proud of but and i am not trying to make my problems bigger than someone elses at all that int the case here but it just seems that if alot of you knew the things I have done the people I have hurt the things I have said to others you may all change your minds.

I kicked my child one time when he was a year and a half I went mental lost it that is when I aksed his dad if he could live with him.

I have stolen guys from my best friend granted that was 10 years ago but still, I have ditched her cause I didnt want to be around her (she has alot of issues and tends to take them out on me).

My sister god my poor sister I have gonre off on her threatened her hit her put her thru hell and then back again.

I have done cocaine slept around not really slept around but choose the wrong peope to have sex with.

I treat a co-worker like crap cause I get annoyed at him

I dont talk with my mom too much we fight all the time not very close anyways I dont trust her.

the list goes on and on and on.

My best friend says that she was molested by a neighbor as a child she says I was also but I do not remember anything bad happening to me at all so I dismiss what she says and I believe that she was not molested and that is bad very bad of me to be that way she very well could have been and here I am dismissing it all to her well not to her face but you know what I mean right....

So here is the thing I need to always be doing something to hurt myself so I can eather do the whole eating thing or cut I wont do both that is just my type of personality I know I am f'ed up huh this is how it is for me I have to always have some kind of self distructive thing going on at least this is my reasoning on it I am sure the docs would have another let me break it down real quick..

I have to hurt me at all times doesnt matter how I have to realease whatever it is that is inside of me or I will explode

When I would starve I was punishing myself for eating when I would vomit which wasnt alot I was punishing myself but realsing myself also the laxatives I cant really explain that I thought that I would loose weight.

The drigs I numbed myself for a while then would come off my high hate myself and I deserved that all

Having sex I never enjoyed t after Jeremy (my sons dad) so each time I had sex it was a way to punish myself it never meant anything at all I did it to punish myself

the cutting I have always thought about it on and off for a few months now and one day I just did it and there was no pain nothng adn I deserved it.

So anyways I think that if maybe I go back to the diet pills then I would not cut I was thinking about going back to them anyways I feel like I am eating too much with out them and I feel that i m starting to gain weight but that isnt the point.

but anyways I just wanted to thank all of you for the support that you all have shown me and the love like I say if it wasnt for you ladies I wouldnt be here today