my man is D and i dont know what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
my man is D and i dont know what to do
6
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 8:47pm
I have been reading all the advice on the previous posts and here my story is very similar. I need the advice of people who have been there as my friends see this situation as hopeless. My boyfriend and i have been dating for 2 years. I am 32 he is 25. We have a great connection and all is well when he is feeling good. I have noticed a pattern in him that occurs about every 4-5 months. He falls into a deep rut. Instead of letting me help him thru it he pushes me away and says he needs his space to work it out himself. He has trouble opening up to people about his problems/feelings therefore will not seek professional help. He says he feels down about his life and cries himself to sleep at night. Like i said we have gone thru this before and it usually takes a few weeks and things are back on track. But i feel he hasnt worked anything out just buried his issues. In his early twenties he turned to drugs but has been clean for about 2 years now. He says he knows that is not the answer. I dont understand why, if i am some sort of happiness he claims to have in his life, he pushes me away at times like these. He says he "doesnt want to bring me down with him" or "if he can't make himself happy how can he make me happy", or "he can't depend on me for his happiness. These all sound so cliche'. Is there merit to these things he tells me or am i a fool holding on to something that is out of my reach? He seems maybe manic depressive though i am no expert. ANy advice on how to deal?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 11:37pm
Your boyfriend is handling his situation like most men do. Men do not want to talk about their feelings. They definitely don't want to make themselves vulnerable. John Gray calls it men going into their "cave" in his Men are from Mars books. He says to let them stay in their caves for awhile to work it out. Personally, I don't think that is a healthy recommendation.

I have the best book for you. It's called, "I Don't Want to Talk About It: The Secret Legacy of Male Depression" by Terence Real. You can order it from Amazon.com. It explains men's depression. You would get a lot out of it. I think that if you read it and press your boyfriend to read it to he could get a lot out of it. I got someone significant in my life to read it and it really opened his eyes. He understood so much about himself after that.

As for manic depression, aka Bipolar Disorder, that is characterized by at least one period of extrme mania. That is a time lasting for more than a few days when he was extremely hyper, sleepless, restless, and even delusional. In mania, people feel grandiose and even invincible. They sometimes even have delusions, hallucinations, and paranoia. You would know if your boyfriend was manic. He would act really insane during his mania. Most people with Bipolar try to stay in the mania because they like the high highs.

I hope that helped. I'm sorry about your situation. Remember that people, especially men, usually feel a lot of shame about being depressed. Men think they should handle everything on their own. If your boyfriend reads that book, or if you read parts of it to him, it may help him see that therapy could help him.

Take Care,

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 12:30am

I think Maria made some good observations. I just wanted to ask if he's talked to a doctor or a therapist about his depression? If not, it may do him some good..









iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 12:34am
i appreciate the input. I am not ready to give up on this like my friends seem to think i should. I just hope when he figures it out he still wants us to move forward. Thanks for the idea on the book. i will go check it out tomorrow. He continues to want to talk though. Is that the right thing or should i avoid his calls? i don't want to play games but this is really hurting and on some level not fair to me. talking makes the pain less for me but am i prolonging more pain in the end....again thanks for the advice!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 12:42am
i have begged him to get help. he will not do it because he is embarrassed. he barely opens up to me and that alot to him. i have gotten some suggestions on books and maybe i can get him to read them...its a start. my question is do i keep in contact with him. i dont want to play games but i also want him to realize what i meant and what he left. Good idea or bad...i dont want it to backfire
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 2:59am

If it is causing you more pain to continue to talk with him and causing you to feel vulnerable, I would suggest telling him, that if he needs someone to talk to about his feelings and the depression that you will be available, but that right now to continue the relationship is more than you can handle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 10:50am
Thanks for the input Trac. I did deside last night and told him we needed either to be together and work thru it together or give it some time apart. I knew before i proposed this what his answer was, so i was prepared for the latter. I am going to day to check on some of these books i have now gotten referenced to....Thanks a bunch to you all.