first-time poster here---long intro

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
first-time poster here---long intro
4
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 1:53am
The other day I took an online depression screening quiz. My results said I was at high risk to harm myself and I should call 911 right away. It made me laugh, in the cynical way anyway. I think a lot about dying. I have never really seriously tried..although I have come close, like driving down the road and having a very strong feeling to let the wheel go and see what I can hit--things like that. I am a new mom. My son is 8 1/2 months old. He is really the only thing now that keeps me alive. I have despaired (if that's how you spell it). I feel like I work my tail off and never have enough money. My dh is a 31 year-old little boy that needs constant mothering. I get so exhausted and I feel like I am a terrible mother. I am extremely overweight (seriously, like about 150 pounds over) but that is something I am going to tackle after the Holidays. As bad as I feel about myself right now I think it would just get worse if I had to beat myself up for failing my diet in a season of turkey and pie and chocolate. Our apartment is a wreck because I'm too exhausted and hate myself too much to clean. If I had insurance, I would go to my doctor--she would give me something. She offered it after my son was born and my big dumb PRIDE got in the way. But, as it stands now, I have no insurance and not enough money to pay the rent in one full shot. I feel terrible, like my life is going nowhere but down. I have threatened to leave my husband but that does nothing but make me feel like a worse failure and like I depend on my mom too much. He doesn't really do anything. Yeah, he works...but he has debt nearly $10,000 worth that gets bigger all the time and now includes a $500 debt to the IRS that has MY name on it because he filed jointly for us last year because he knew he would have to pay a ton and I would get some back so I guess he thought it would save him from paying. Well whatever...the point is....my life is going nowhere but down, like I said. My best friend lives 4 hours away and we don't get to see each other enough.

Well, I could go on and on and on but I don't want to bore anyone and I am sure there will be plenty more time for me to write long venting posts in the future.





rebekah

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 2:44am
Welcome to the Boards!

How long has your depression gone on? Did you have it before you gave birth? Has it gotten worse after delivery? Did you ever have it earlier in your life. It is wonderful that you care so much about your child. I know what it's like to be in an unhappy marriage. I didn't have to take care of a baby on top of the baby I was married to. That is a very difficult situation to be in.

I'm glad that you found this board. It is a wonderful, supportive place.

Welcome Again,

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 2:51am

rebekah


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 8:49am
Hi there (((Rebekah)))

Welcome to the board!

I agree with Trac, don't waste time if you aren't happy. You deserve to have a husband, not another child.

Is it possible this is post partum depression? Or have you been dealing with this longer than that?

Looking forward to getting to know you better.

Take care

Pamela

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Avatar for all_girls4me
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 11:55am
Rebekah, welcome to the board. I hope you can find some comfort here. Believe me, I know the feeling of just wanting to drive off the road. I've been there many times. The only thing that's holding me back at this point is my 3 little girls. They need their mommy. I'll also join you on the weight issue, I've never lost all my pregnancy weight, and my youngest is now 17 months.

If you don't have insurance, see if you can call a free clinic, they might be able to help you until you get back on your feet again.

Hugs Ilka



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