New here..........

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
New here..........
5
Wed, 12-03-2003 - 12:17am
Hi everyone, I am not new to the village, just new to this particular board. I have been an active member on the village for 5 years and spent part of that time as a CL on another one of the channels here. I really can't believe I am going to post this, but I need to. I really think I am depressed and have been for a very long time. Some days.......some months, are better than others. I need to give you a little background here. First of all I guess most people would say I have been through a lot, but I have always been labeled as extremely strong, and I feel like I am, so I hate to come off as whining. I am in my 30's, and am already raising a granddaughter. I had my daughter very young and she was my pride and joy. I watched her go from being a fashion model, and a straight A honor roll student involved in all kinds of activities, to being drug addicted and quitting school. She got married, had a baby, got a divorce, got into more drugs and I had to end up taking the baby away from her. I just found out in October that she is pregnant again......and I have no idea what to do. She is certainly not able to raise a child and I am not sure she would even consider adoption. She is too far along for abortion even if that were an option. It looks like I may have another baby to raise and may have to fight to take away from her again.

I myself modeled for awhile and was anorexic/bulimic for two years until I finally won that battle about 10 years ago, altho as anyone with an eating disorder knows, it is always lurking in your mind, ready to attack those who aren't mindful of it every day. Three years ago I came out of a very abusive relationship that was extremely difficult to leave. I spent two years alone, on purpose, in order to heal emotionally. I have now met a man who is truly wonderful. He is the real thing. He is calm, kind, sincere, focused, caring, loyal, and has tons of integrity. I have known him almost a year and I have never even heard him raise his voice. He is wonderful to me and my family and puts me/us first, always. He is well educated and successful. He is unbelievably supportive. He takes care of me when I am sick, he sends me flowers for no reason, he shares everything with me, and he is just simply an amazing, good hearted man. Still, something is missing. I am still not happy. Maybe I lived with drama so long that something calm seems abnormal, I don't know. I walk around wondering, *Where is all the fiery chemistry?* I know, I should feel so blessed to have someone so kind in my life and I do, but like I said, I still do not feel any fireworks, just a calm, caring feeling. Is that normal? I am not even sure what real love is anymore. I know this man wants to marry me, but I also know he is afraid to ask me because he isn't sure at this point that I am ready and he is right.

I do not know what's wrong with me. I can't seem to be consistent with anything anymore due to my mood. I am a person who has always worked out consistently, taking very good care of myself, (perfectionist about it, to be honest) but I can't even bring myself to stick with my exercise routine anymore, which now brings us back to the old anorexia/bulimia issues because if I don't feel fit and feel good about myself it REAllY messes with my head in that area, furthering my depressed mood. Literally everything I do or don't do these days depends on my mood, and 90% of the time,it is always clouded in depression. I don't even want to work, and that is not like me. You wouldn't believe it from this post (reading this back to myself I sound SO messed up!) but I am an attractive, polished professional. I am a well educated, successful, self employed person, and the people who are around me in my career and daily life would never guess for one second that I don't have my act together totally and completely, but if I am not careful they are all going to know very soon becaus things are starting to slide and I no longer am positive I have a strong enough grip to pull it back. I know a lot of it has to do with the failed relationships of my past, the abusive one in particular (not sure I will ever get over that, or him....even tho I am the one who finally broke free) and also due to my daughters problems. I am still in my 30's and already I am tired of living. Please don't get me wrong, suicide is not in my nature in any way, shape, or form. I am not saying that at all, but what I am saying is I find no joy in life anymore, except for this amazing little girl I am raising about 85% of the time. (I have some help from other family members, thank goodness)But my mood these days is even having an effect on that, too. I find myself not wanting to get out and participate in things with her like I normally do. I still do them, but it is a chore now and I have to force myself to do things. All I really want to do is either stay in bed or in my computer room, typing away.

I have considered going to see a doctor, but remember my earlier paragraph where I said that I am the *rock* of the family...the strong one who is always there, yada yada? Also, I just simply do not like the idea of taking anti depressants. I have tried them before and they always make me feel more zombie like than anything else, which is a feeling I hate.

I have no idea what to do, maybe I am just wondering if anyone understands or can relate?

Thanks!

p.s. I am posting this on more than one board simply because at this point I am not even sure which board I should be posting it on. :) Thank You all for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Wed, 12-03-2003 - 8:48am
Hi there

Welcome to the board!

First of all, good for you for raising your grand-daughter. That takes alot of guts to realize that your daughter wasn't in a place to raise her properly.

I can relate to be "strong". I was bullied in elementary school, so I learned early on to put on a tough front so people would leave me alone. Trouble is, I can't get rid of it now and all through high school everyone thought I was a witch with a different first letter.

And...I can totally believe that you are a successful woman, and that nobody knows you have depression. I think most of us would tell you the same thing. We all put on what we call "the mask" when we go to work or out in public. Well, for the most part anyway.

Great for you for leaving that jerk who abused you. You are a strong, SMART woman. Have you had counseling for this? It really helps to get your feelings out.

Meds aren't as bad as people make them out to be. I am 25 and I have been on them I'd say for six years already. I expect to be on them for a long time, maybe forever. When you have chronic depression like I do, it's either take them for a long time or deal with those full depression feelings. And that is not an option for me.

Some of the meds are ones that really make you sleepy. You have to find the right dose and the right med for you. Don't write them off completely.

I think it is understandable that you are not sure about your relationship. What you said makes sense; you are waiting for the chaos to start. Trust me, you deserve this sweetie.

Anyway, take care I hope to hear more from you.

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2003
Wed, 12-03-2003 - 10:24am
Hi- yep it sounds like depression to me. I went through it a few years ago after the birth of my first child. I too am the strong one in my family, who never needs or asks for help, and thought I could snap myself out of it. Listen, depression is real, and is due to a chemical imbalance in your body for whatever reason. Medication works, you just may have to try a few ( I tried at least 3 different kinds of anti-depressants before I found the right one for me). It's difficult, but would you feel bad about taking medication for heart disease if you had it? Depression is a medical condition and we did not some how bring it on ourselves. My doctor also sent me to a couselor. I really did not want to go because I thought what could another person say or explain to me that I didn't already know. But it actually was helpful, it was nice to have a professional validate my feelings.

So anyway, don't be afraid to see a doctor. Good luck with everything and I hope you're able to get back to your old self soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 12-03-2003 - 11:18am

((((((((((((((((((itsme1022)))))))))))))))))))


Most, if not all of us here can relate to what you are going through right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Wed, 12-03-2003 - 12:30pm
Your symptoms definitely sound like depression.

I highly recommend going to a therapist to help with your depression. Great strides have been made in treating depression through therapy in the last 10 years. There is a form of therapy called Cognitive Behavior Therapy that gives you practical, step-by-step ways to overcome your depression.

I understand that you are the rock of the family and have a lot of responsibility. But you won't do anyone any good, especially yourself, if you don't get help for your depression. It sounds like it is only getting worse on your own. You can call your doctor and ask for the names of several therapists that he or she highly recommends. Then call the therapists and ask how they treat depression. Specifically find out if they use Cognitive Behavior Therapy. I tried many types of therapy. I didn't make a change until I had CBT. Now I am studying to be a therapist in graduate school. Cognitive Behavior Therapy has the most proven success in curing depression.

On the topic of your boyfriend, I have a couple of great books that discuss the very issue you are talking about. The one that helped me the most is called "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. It talks about the very thing you mentioned. You're right about how we get used to drama. The fiery passion we think is love is actually just the intense feeling of dysfunctional relationships. We think that longing and the intensity of reunion after abuse or conflict is love. That kind of love has high highs, but mostly they just feel high compared to all of the destructive, heart-wrenching lows.

That "in love" feeling is a hormonal cascade that goes on at the beginning of a relationship. It is accentuated by insecurity and longing. It usually lasts only the first 6 months of a relationship. But studies who that it can last two to three years in a relationship characterized by conflict, abuse and separation. Look at how all the moves, tv shows and songs describe "in love" as longing and aching for someone. But that's actually pain!

Norwood's book will help you understand the very issues you described. Another good book on that topic is also a well-known classic. It's called "Smart Women, Foolish Choices." I'm sure you've heard of both of those books. They've been bestsellers for years. But you'd be amazed at how thoroughly they address this topic.

We're always here to help. There's a lot of wisdom and knowledge on this board. You don't sound messed up at all. Depression hits all kinds of people in all walks of life.

Welcome our little corner of Ivillage.

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Wed, 12-03-2003 - 2:35pm
Thank you so much for this very insightful reply, and you are so right about so many things. I was actually a psych major for 3 years with the intentions of becoming a therapist before going into business for myself. However, it still seems that everyone comes to me for their *armchair* therapy sessions. If they only knew.....LOL

I have thought of all the things you said about the longing, the drama, the intense highs and lows, etc. so many times and actually did some studies on them while healing from the abuse. I don't remember if I mentioned it in my post but there is actually a website about this very thing, about love compared to chemistry, drama, etc. and it profiles what they call Love and lust junkies, which I honestly think has been a huge problem of mine in the past, and had become a pattern for most of my relationships. Funny though, we can see it and know it, but putting what we know into practice is sometimes much more difficult, isn't it? I was thrilled that you brought up the subject of how love is portrayed in movies and songs, I think a lot about that, too. I think I have a handle on things, then I watch some chemistry laden movie with lots of longing, or hear a song of such, and my whole concept of what real love is, is questioned in my mind once again when these movies and songs bring back the memories of those lustful, longing feelings and the whole drama some relationships can bring. I do think the longing, the highs, and the drama become addictive, and speaking from experience those things have never brought me any lasting happiness, which is one of the reasons I went on a self imposed healing journey for nearly two years, to reevaluate why I always end up in those types of relationships and what it is that always attracts me to them, so I could change those patterns. Now here I am, I have met a man who keeps my drama so low it is nearly non existent, and I feel like something is missing. Go figure. This new relationship is predictable and stable, which of course seems boring to someone like me at times, because I have had nothing but totally unpredictable and unstable relationships in the past.

You have made so much sense to me, and you are right......I do need to seek some therapy. I went for counseling after the abusive marriage to a therapist trained in DV issues, but I stopped after about 3 months. I didn't really open up about all the things I should have, and I am sure I could benefit from doing so. I will definitely check into the CBT, thank you so much for suggesting it.

Hugs!