Slipping further downwards...poss. trigs
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| Wed, 12-03-2003 - 3:34pm |
One of my two therapists asked to meet with me again this week...so I will be going to the psychology clinic 4 times in 5 days...how crazy is that?! I feel so guilty at taking up my therapists' time and energy...and I'm worried that I may say something that will cause them to call my parents (which they are allowed to do when they think I'm at risk).
Today is my one day this week without an appointment...still no job, of course, not even a phone call asking for an interview. I feel I have to work to feel at all useful...even though my therapist reminds me to "focus on my health"...I think my health is perfectly fine and she should be pushing me to work. My financial situation is getting more and more worrisome, and the fact that Christmas is coming up soon doesn't help...but I would literally rather die than accept money from my family.
Sorry to be so depressing once again. But I just recently had a week of high energy, feeling very agitated but productive...and so to slip back down into this hole feels even worse than before. I just don't understand it. But I don't have mental health insurance, and I really doubt my insurance would even cover hospitalization if I needed it...so that's not an option. I have been trying to get out, go to the bookstore, etc... but it is all so empty...I can't go on this way.
Thanks for listening,
Rose

*hugs
*hugs
One great thing about middle age is experience. In my early twenties, I too went through a period of unemployment that lasted about a year. I was living with my parents because I could not afford anything else. I never would have believed that at 38, I would be financially solvent with a house mortgage:) My best advise is take it day by day. Try and force yourself to go out every day. (I went to my local library every day to read the paper. Taken any job you can find temporarily. Working retail a few hours a week will at least give you a little money and get you out of the house. Is there any place near you that needs a little Christmas help. Don't think any job is beneath you. I had two university degrees when I was unemployed and worked at Saks!!!
GOOD LUCK.
SA
Sorry to complain again...I think I will try looking into a temp agency as selena recommended...but I do worry, at times like these, that even a job won't keep me from these self-destructive thoughts. I guess I'm scaring myself a little bit.
Oh well...sorry for rambling on again...guess I should head to bed soon. I just wish I knew why I had so little energy this morning and afternoon...and then tonight, I was still so depressed but had a lot of angry energy...I don't like this life right now.
Rose
And your idea about a temporary job is good...I have been avoiding applying for some jobs in places like food service...but I have been applying for a lot of medical-type jobs that require only a high school education, and none of them have even called me back...so I wonder if they think I'm overqualified...even though I want the job and need the experience if I ever want to go to med school.
But I will try to find whatever I can...I guess I am guilty of thinking a job as a waitress or cashier would be humiliating for me, especially because of the kinds of people I was associated with in college...literally Rhodes Scholars, future doctors and lawyers, etc...but I know I should realize that the job I get now will not necessarily be one I will keep for life...and should do what I can to get any job.
I've been so depressed lately, though, that I haven't even really been trying my hardest to apply. That, and I live in a small town with really very few jobs...I check the classifieds daily, and it is rare to see anything that I could do. My therapist and parents don't even think I should have a job right now because of my recent health problems...but I know it is a necessity. So I will try again tomorrow.
Thanks,
Rose
I haven't been around in awhile. It sounds like your fibromyalgia is much, much better. Is that the case?
If it is, then won't you be able to go to medical school now?
Why would you rather die than take money from your family? Will they respect you less? Are they passive aggressive? Will there be strings attached?
Is it a pride thing? Do you think you will get more respect by killing yourself, than by accepting help? Sometimes I have found that life has pushed humility on me in difficult ways. I accepted some help from my family, but at a cost to my self-esteem because they abused me and treated me like I was a failure because of it.
But I took help from some other people, especially the man who is now my husband. That taught me that we all have down times and we all need support at times. Learning to ask for help and to receive it makes us more compassionate towards others in difficult times. I now have a lot of compassion towards people during hard times.
You aren't wasting your therapists' time. They are there to help you. Sometimes if we think a certain thing is the most important and we won't let a new perspective come in, then we keep the vicious cycle of depression going.
So how is your health, Rose? Is it better? After all that you have been through, I hope that it is.
Take Care,
MariaC
Since then, my mood has dropped again, and the pain does come and go, but it's always bearable, nothing compared to what it was before. I can often predict what will make my pain worse, like riding in a car for a long time, or doing any kind of physical work... or stress, of course...so I guess I still could go to med school, but I know the stress would exacerbate things, though I'm not quite sure how much.
I'm still not at all sure, though, that I want to go to med school. A professor of mine recently emailed me with the questions, "Are you sure that med school is what you want? What will you do with an M.D. after your name?" Those questions have been stuck in my head since then...and I have tended to interpret her questions as signs that she knows I have no idea what I am doing with my life, that I am worthless, or that I only want the prestige of being a doctor. I know I don't feel a lot of passion about the medical profession, but then again, I don't feel passionate about much else either.
To answer your question about borrowing money, yes, my father especially seems very passive-aggressive about money. My twin sister went to an Ivy League school, paid for mostly by my parents...and every chance he got, my dad would remind her how much it was costing him, tell her she was wasting his money on an English degree, etc. Even recently, my dad was telling me how important it was for me to get a job so he wouldn't have to lend me money...well, not quite in those blunt terms, but that was the essence.
So yes, I know I should be grateful for my improved physical health...and I am, but my moods have been so up-and-down that I am mostly just confused, don't even feel like I can appreciate the reduction in my pain as I should. This makes me feel really guilty and ungrateful...why should I still be so depressed when I feel physically better? Maybe my mind just has to catch up to my body...I was in so much pain for half a year that I think my mind just got "stuck" there, if that makes sense.
Anyway, good to see you back here...as always, I really appreciate your advice and input. If anyone could figure out why my moods go from 0 to 10 within a few days, and then back again, I would love to know! :)
Rose
((((((Rose)))))), I'm sorry to hear you disagree with your parents and your therapist about getting a job.
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So after seeing that, they told me they would go ahead and hire me and let me know about any upcoming office-type jobs...there is also a catering job in a week, just for 10 hours or so on one day (don't know how well my muscles will handle that, but we'll see!).
I guess I can never really be satisfied, though...this all still feels so incredibly empty to me...getting a mindless secretarial job just to get a few dollars to pay for a life I don't enjoy living. But I know I should try to look at this in a more positive light, and I am trying.
It's just that I have always put such a huge stock in my future career...even to the point of believing that my career is the only source of value from my life...so I just feel like a cog in a machine when I think of hours of working in a low-level office job...what use is my life? I don't have close ties to my family, no friends, no real hobbies I enjoy (except photography)...and I don't feel as though I am contributing anything to anyone. That has to change for me to continue living, I feel.
Sorry to ramble on, thanks again for your idea...it may actually lead to a bit of much-needed income for me.
Rose
I hope this works out for
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