Another rough morning
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Another rough morning
| Thu, 12-04-2003 - 9:56am |
Hi. I hope everyone got the thank you's I sent them for their replies. I just mentioned because I'm new and not sure I sent them right. If not, thank you, you all have really helped me the last 2 days. I even went out yesterday. Only 2nd time in 10 days. I was nervous, I felt like everyone was staring at me. I dropped my cigarette on the car floor while I was waiting for my daughters, went to pick it up & spilled Mt.Dew all over me. I thought that figures. It was kind of funny. I've dealt with the drug & alcohol thing and I swear it felt like I was on drugs. Maybe all the vitamins I've been taking to try to help me through the day? I started grinding my teeth yesterday. I'm going to try to go to my counselor today. I'm scared. It will be the 1st time I've gone anywhere without my husband or daughters holding my hand since August. I've only gone to this counselor once before, then she ditched me for 3 weeks for Thanksgiving. I went to one for almost a year but somehow she only made things worse. She said I was depressed, co-dependent, an enabler,obsessive/compulsive. I can't wait to see what this one says. My husband & mom think I'm crazy. They said I think too much-maybe I do? They told me to just have a beer like everyone else does. I mean I'm thankful I even have a counselor and I don't have to pay anything for an $80 session due to my financial situation. I'm thankful I even have a car to go. I spent 2 years stuck in this house recently with no car, no telephone, no computer. I only communicated by mail and no one writes anymore. It was worse then prison. So I'm thankful and all that stuff, but I'm still terrified. I hope everyone is hanging in there. I hope I survive today. Everyone take care of yourselves.
Edited 12/11/2003 11:08:26 AM ET by pbinky
Edited 12/11/2003 11:08:26 AM ET by pbinky

I am sorry to hear that you have a very unsupportive husband. Sounds like he contributes to your problems and that I am sure makes you feel bad. I know you mentioned your husband doesn't like you going to therapists. Is it because the therapists helps you see his faults? Men who feel threatened by a therapist are usually controlling of there spouse. Is your husband controlling? It sounds like you need a therapist to get support from some where because you don't seem to have much of it at home. I hope you stick with the therapist no matter what your husband thinks and work on you, you deserve to be happy and to have someone you can feel safe in talking to.
I am glad you have a car to get to places you need to and have a computer to reach out here on the depression support site for support. Keep posting and reaching out. There are people here who understand and care. Hang in there and remember you are a strong woman. After all you are reaching out and that takes strength.
Tina~
I surivived yesterday. I actually even dropped my daughter off at a college on my way to my counselor. A little because I didn't want to be all alone, but mostly because she's been waiting for months. My counselor was good yesterday. I can't get my hopes up too much though, because the other one that I went to for almost a year was good the first time or two. But this one is different. I feel like she just might be able to help me.
Yes, I'm proud that I was able to do that yesterday. I feel inferior in a way though. I drove from Md. to Texas & back years ago. So I feel silly now. But I know that in this kind of situation I did good. My counselor gave me the results of my "Temperament Analysis" test that I took last month. I scored a 99% for "nervous", 96% for "depressive",99% for "hostile" etc. She was very surprised. I told her that's why I'm coming to her. She said to remember that I took the test before my dog died. We had her for 14 years. I was/am still devastated. My counselor wonders what I'd score on that test now. Supportive at home? My daughters, bless their hearts, they pick up my slack on housework & cooking etc. when I'm too down to even come out of bedroom. They are 16 & 18. They try so hard to help, but unfortunately they think the more they help, that I won't have to go to a counselor. My husband, he does a lot too. I'm not sure what his motives are. I know he's terrified. He makes me feel bad because he acts like I sprung this on him overnight, he can't get it through his head that it's been 9 or 10 years.I'm afraid he's doing all this stuff (running errands etc) to keep me in the bedroom. It sounds horrible but I think he likes me to just stay in my bedroom. Maybe I'm paranoid but my counselor said the 90%'s on my test are him.
Thank you so much for your help. I've only been on this board a few days but everyone has given me strength & encouragement to do things, like drive, go to my counselor etc. Thank you again. I hope we can stay in touch. Take care of yourself.
I do live in Maryland, Glen Burnie, and I am getting hit with this storm. As of now it isn't too bad but I'll see how it all looks in the morning. Where are you in Maryland?
I am glad to hear that your daughters are there to help you. That is so very sweet of them. They love their mom very much. I know what you mean about driving to Texas and now how it seems so hard to drive 10 miles down the street. It is all part of the illness. There was a time I wouldn't drive 695 for over a year. I didn't like to drive anywhere, but my therapist told me if I don't go back to driving 695 I will just adventually not drive back roads and then not at all. That scared me more than driving because I like my freedom. So I pushed my self with someone with me to drive 695 and than ventured it on my own the 5th or 6th time I drove it.
It sounds like your husband doesn't really understand what you need or how to help you. Has he ever gone to therapy with you to talk about your illness and to work on what he can do to help without keeping you in your bedroom? Sometimes couple therapy helps when depression and other issues are involved. Does your husband understand that depression is an illness? If he doesn't then taking him to a therapy session or two (if he will go) may help.
I am so sorry to hear about your dog. I love dogs and have been wanting one for a long time but where I live I am not allowed to have pets. A dog is a great companion and to have one for 14 years is long time. I am sure you looked at her like your baby.
Keep posting and you can e-mail me if you want to, my e-mail is in my profile on here. Just click on firelightshimmer and on the profile it will have e-mail and you click on that. I am just telling you this in case you don't know because you said you were new here. I wish you all the best and I hope your holidays are filled with Love and Joy!!!
Tina
Patti