Just Venting...
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Just Venting...
| Thu, 12-04-2003 - 12:40pm |
I am confused right now. I think I'm PMSing. Hooray. I cried on the way to work this morning, b/c of a commercial for giving presents to children in need. I felt so sad about it, feeling like I should do something, but what? Lol...its the small stuff that amuzes me. I mean, crying at a commercial b/c it reminded you of something...yup. That sure is PMS. Could do without it, but oh well. I just feel so lost lately. I've been feeling so much remorse for events that occured so freaking long ago. WHY?! Like, when I cheated on certain boys that I really liked. Like, why the hell did I do that? Part of me wishes desperatley that I could go back and explain why I was so weirded out. I understand it now, but sheesh...can't really go back and fix things from years ago. And this whole thing w/ my b/f now. He's really helped me grow as a person b/c of all the situations I've been faced with, and now I know that I am fully capable of being faithful and having unconditional love. But I just don't know what the heck to do. We're moving soon. But he has so many debts now that he got a DUI (amongst other things) and I'm not sure how we're going to afford a place big enough for the two of us, our belongings and both of our dogs, while most of his paychecks need to go towards attorney's, court fees, trying to straighten out his record...who knows what else. Not to mention he should really pay his parents back for bailing him out of jail. This is the second time they've had to do it since I've been down here. Is it so stupid and selfish of me to be worrying about how he's going to be able to pitch in with the bills and rent and the cost of moving, rather than thinking about how much I love him and will go anywhere he goes? I don't want to live with his mom and dad again. No way. I moved out of my mom's to be on my own...not to live with someone else's parents. Not to mention it makes me feel weird b/c his parents still are happily married, and mine weren't - so it throws me off. Maybe I'm just nervous b/c of the deadline. We move out Jan. 15th. We don't have a place in mind even. Part of me thinks it would be more economically efficient if I got my own place, like I'd have less money problems. And if I still ran into problems, at least another person couldn't drag me farther into debt. Lately, I've felt as though I'm on another planet. I'm so scared inside, but calm on the outside. I miss him. It almost feels like we've already discussed it, moved out and been separated for a while. But I still come home to him every night and cuddle with him on the couch. When I try to talk about it, he makes me feel as though I'm worrying over nothing and that it'll all be fine. But every time he says that, I believe him and stop freaking out and let things lie in his hands...but I usually wind up getting screwed somehow. I just feel like a lump on this earth, going to work and going about my day. I feel like I'm so alone and that I'm so confused that I'm ready to just give up and if I fail...I fail. Oh well.
