WALKING DEAD -VERY LONG- POSS TRIGGS

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Registered: 05-12-2003
WALKING DEAD -VERY LONG- POSS TRIGGS
3
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 1:37pm
I don't see an emotion for dead so I guess unhappy will have to do. I came out to my mom's yesterday afternoon and spent the night instead of coming out Saturday. I guess I just wanted a weekend at home since it seems I am always at my parent's on the weekend. Plus Irv is planning on making our Thanksgiving dinner this weekend. We had Thanksgiving at my parent's but we also got a complete Thanksgiving dinner from our local food pantry. Hans got me signed up for the food pantry and so once a month we get to go there and get food. I mentioned in my earlier posts about getting the books on Borderline Personality Disorder and having my family read them so that they can understand me better. Now I am kinda sorry I got them because my parent's have always helped me out throughout my years of being married due to the fact that I married an older man who is retired and our only income from him is Social Security and now for almost two years I have been getting Social Security Disabilty and so our money is extremely tight. For I would say the last year I have on a regular basis I am talking like every week I get the gas card from my dad and I go fill up my tank and I will also pick up like a case of pop. Now in these books of Borderline Personality Disorder they talk about manipulation which my parent's know I am manipulative and I have been since the day I came out. But more importantly it talks about setting limits and I am scared to death that they are going to cut me off. I would not be able to survive right now. It's my fault but still. I got an email from one of my cousins asking me why I am harming myself and planning my date of death. I told her that I am tired of feeling this way. I know people have told me about getting another therapist but believe me it isn't that easy. I would have to go on a waiting list even though I have been going to this place for two years and that it could take up to 6 months before I can get another therapist. Kara told me the other day that I seem to like to float in the suicidal pool. That really hurt. I don't!!! I am tired of feeling this way. I am tired of people not helping me. She is supposed to be the one that acts like a liason between me and my pysch and she isn't doing that. I have been doing all I can to help myself such as reading stuff about my disorders and how to help myself. Print stuff off the internet and put into folders that I label accordingly and look at when I need to. I have started journaling again. Lexxy was over last night and there was an incident between her and my grandmother and it hurts me and I don't know what the answer is and I feel like I have to save everyone because it seems as of late I can't save myself.I am different then most bordelines because I know that most of the problems lie within me and not others. I do know that issues with my mom is a big thing although lately I am getting a better understanding towards her. I am what I said in my title Walking Dead. This may sound stupid to some people but I don't care all I know is how society is and that society likes skinny pretty people. I am 5'4 and weigh about 266#. I don't think I am pretty even though other people tell me I am. I have acne probs on and off that I never had when I was a teen. Especially on my nose the one place that is most prominent. I told Irv yesterday that even though I had a library book due that I would rather pay the fine then go out because I have a pimple on my nose that is red and makes me(to my eye) look like Rudolph. He said it doesn't look that bad you can hardly notice. Well I notice it and I think if I notice it then obviously other people notice it too. I was driving to my mom's library where I am at now and I saw myself in the rearview mirror and I said to myself Andrea why are you doing this to yourself? You are so unhappy and ugly that you don't deserve to be on this Earth any longer.You did your purpose here and by continuing to be here and feeling this way all you are doing is torturing yourself. I just want to cry and crawl under the covers and never come out. My whole family is pretty and yea I am adopted so I won't look like them but as of my whole life until 13 years I was skinny and I thought I was pretty. Now I have no self esteem no hope and questions of why am I still going through this and why can't I pull out of it this time. I talked to Kara and I have 15 min with Weiss which is actually 10 min cause they use 5 min to prepare for the next client and that really sucks because even though I know what I want to say to him and I have printed out my posts it still isn't enough time to figure out a solution to these suicidal thoughts because I know that Weiss doesn't want to put me in the hospital. He can't stand the state hospital and wants anything to keep me out of there but I don't know what the answer is anymore because the voice inside my head is just telling me that I can't go on this way and before long I will probably end it because of no solution. Sorry to have gone on and on. Like I said my thoughts are jumbled and rambling. Thanks to all. Love and Hugs the walking dead Andrea
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Registered: 04-09-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 8:56pm
Andrea,

There's a lot in your post, so I'll start with the simple thing.

Pimples, red pimples: Concealer is a wonder! A friend of mine was over the other day and so freaked out about a pimple on her face (which I had not noticed. I never notice other people's pimples. Most people have lots!) Anyway, I grabbed some concealer and dotted it on her pimple. I smoothed around the edge of the concealer, without touching the part on the pimple. Voila! No pimple. You could never tell she had one. I've been wearing concealer since I was 14. I almost always had at least one pimple when I was in high school, but it never made others think I was less attractive. I worried about them all the time. Now I know that other people are so worried about themselves that they aren't thinking about anyone else's pimples. They don't even notice! They're probably worrying about their own checkbooks most of the time. I know I am!!!!

People don't like others because their pretty. They don't dislike others if they aren't skinny. Everyone I know likes people who are friendly and caring. My friends like me because I support them. It's rare to find someone who is empathetic and tells other people nice things about themselves. That's what makes people like other people. It shows again that people are basically only thinking about themselves. We like people who are nice to us, admire us, and support us when we are struggling. So being heavy has nothing to do with it! Being skinny might get looks from men. But those men don't want to love the skinny women, just have sex with them. That is the honest to goodness truth.

I know plenty of people in the two hundred and three hundred ranges who are happily married.

My cousin weighs 330 pounds and I love him and like him way more than I like any of my other relatives, most of whom are skinny and considered attractive by others.

If you judge yourself by this external standard, then you will not be happy. You will always think you are worthless. One of my best friends is drop dead gorgeous, skinny, and gets tons of attention from men everywhere she goes. She still thinks she is fat and awful looking. She torments herself with it. It amazes me and irritates the other women who know her. Plus, because she's skinny and gorgeous, women hate her. I've heard such bad things about her from other women. Nice women who are just really threatened by someone being pretty.

My point is that being pretty doesn't make you happy. Being pretty doesn't make people like you.

Being pretty and skinny only makes men want to use you for sex and throw you away.

Being pretty and skinny makes women hate you.

So don't worry about being pretty and skinny! It's a big lie.

You are perfect just as you are.

I admire that you can recognize that your issues make life harder for you. That is so amazing for a borderline personality to see. That is what will make all the difference for you!

I'm glad that you have a husband who loves you and supports you. That is such a blessing. Many people don't have that and have never had that. I have that too with my husband and it makes all of the difference in my life.

Life is tough sometimes. I'm having a real hard time right now myself. But we know what you are going through. Stick this out. I wanted to give up so many times and I'm glad that I've stuck it out.

Remember, if you are still here, then you haven't finished the lessons you are here to learn. Dealing with Borderline Personality is a major challenge. It takes a brave soul to take on such a lesson. You have the opportunity to reach your goals and have the happiness you want. Please don't give up on yourself and your life. You will be sorry once you have gotten to the other side. Everyone who kills themselves and is resuscitated reports that once they were on the other side they saw what a big mistake they had made. They are here to work on themselves. It's a hard task. It is for all of us. But if we can be kind and supportive to each other, we will make it that much easier for each other.

All My Love,

MariaC

Avatar for karenmrh
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 9:42pm
(((((((((((((Andrea)))))))))))

There's a lot that u said that I could comment on, but I'm just a bit too scattered right & my 2 year old is all over the place.

But I digress...

It is my opinion that "personality" disorders are derogatory methods of diagnosing mental illnesses. They just have too much baggage attached to them, starting with the garbage Freud came up with.

But anyway...its more important that your treatment team and your family and your friends and YOU....find effective medications and therapy, than to stand there and BLAME. I hate to say it, but for most diagnosis' the treatments are the SAME from one to the next. The range of possible meds are all the SAME!

So why tear yourself up about it? (Yeah I should take my own advice.)

Hugs, dear. Just let it go and remember people, lots of people love you. That's good enough reason to stick around and keep fighting.

KarenMRH

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 11:54pm
i'm so sorry that you are hurting so much. i am so proud of you for staying strong. i don't know how close you are to a department store, but what about a free makeover? let them put makeup on you at the counter- either they aren't good and you look like a clown and you can get a laugh out of it or look and see how pretty you look and cheer up. just a suggestion. feel better.