Family meeting tomorrow, freaking out
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| Thu, 12-04-2003 - 6:23pm |
But I am in no mood to talk to my parents or discuss plans. I've already decided I'm staying here at my apartment and getting a job...I've already crossed off my list the option of moving back in with my parents. So in my mind, there's nothing to discuss! But my mom told me that my therapist said (hearsay, I know), this plan doesn't seem to be working, and my therapist is worried about me...not what my therapist told me directly, but...
And of course my parents want me to come home with them afterwards for the weekend, or at least to go out to dinner with them...I know these are both nice offers, and I should gladly accept...but for some reason, I am in a very agitated mood and just don't want to be around my parents right now. I have gained weight, feel horribly disgusting...and in general just don't want to be "messed with."
I don't know where all this is coming from...as I wrote in my last post, I went from having no energy yesterday morning, and just wanting to sleep, to speeding on the highway last night in the rain, hitting myself with my fist...if I had had the opportunity (which I never would), I would have had few second thoughts about going out to party and drink...which I never in my life have done, and which is not "like me."
My therapist interpretation of this made me think...she took my behavior as a sign that I am feeling so disconnected from the world that I either want to escape completely or jar myself back into reality, with things like driving fast, loud music, pain, etc. Now that I think about it, I wonder if I am so used to physical pain from the fibromyalgia, that now that I don't hurt, I feel almost like I'm floating...the only good thing about the pain, I used to think, was that it reminded me I'm still living.
But because I was honest with my therapist today, I am now worried that she called for a family meeting out of concern for my safety, and that she will tell my parents what I told her (even though she agreed not to go into specifics). I know that I shouldn't be taken seriously...I am too cautious and scared by nature to do anything really harmful to myself, most likely...I guess I just enjoy "playing with fire" a tiny bit right now...
Argh, what is wrong with me? I feel like I need more than 24 hours to prepare myself mentally for this meeting tomorrow. I just don't want to face my parents, just don't want them involved in this horrible up-and-down cycle of moods I've been going through. Any advice?
Thanks for listening,
Rose

(((((((((((((ROSE))))))))))))) Sweetie, I can relate to what you are feeling right now on a lot of levels.
Your therapist can lose her license if she tells your family anything about your sessions with her. The only way she can say a thing to them is if you have signed a waiver that it's OK for her to tell them everything. Otherwise, she can't even admit to them that you are seeing her. So if she told them a single thing, then you can report her to the licensing board. She has no right to violate your trust even by telling your parents that she is worried about you.
Now if she thinks that you are about to leave her office and kill yourself or someone else, she CAN report it to the police and to whoever she thinks you might kill. However, there is no other circumstance in which she is legally able to report. Well, if you are going to abuse a child or old person, she has to report that.
Anyway, I thought you should know the rules of being a therapist. Her talking to you parents without your permission is a serious violation of the therapist/client confidentiality rules.
As for how you handle your parents, you don't have to talk with them right now if you don't want to. If it is too much for you, then say you aren't going to do it. Do you think it will make you feel worse?
I'm so thankful that you aren't in pain anymore. That is a miracle! Wow. I'm so happy for you.
If your therapist isn't helping, can you change therapists? If you can't afford it, then contact Catholic Services. You can go on disability with the government if you have depression. A friend of mine was on it for three years! So that can keep you independent from your family while you get your feet on the ground. Did you know that Maya Angelou was on government assistance for a few years while she was young? Lots of successful people have been. Sometimes we all need help. If you don't want to take it from your parents, you can look at alternative sources.
Good Luck,
MariaC
I guess the short notice may not have been such a bad thing...otherwise, I would have just had more time to worry about it. I have been trying to do some calming things like you suggested, but I have so much agitated energy that it is hard even to concentrate on them. I am trying to hang in there, though.
Hope you are hanging in there, too...please keep us posted on how you're doing.
Thanks again, and wish me luck this afternoon,
Rose
So I asked again today if there was any way I could "rescind" my waiver...but she repeated to me that it was a common practice at the clinic to bring in "support people," and that this waiver is pretty much required if I want to continue therapy there. I don't really consider my parents "support people," though, because I am not very close to them, both literally and figuratively...but it's true that I have absolutely no one else.
Anyway, even if this were a violation of law (which I guess it's not because of this waiver), I don't think my therapist has a license that she could lose...she's a grad student under supervision of a licensed psychologist. Generally, I think she does help me, more so than other therapists have in the past...and it's the only clinic I could find that charges such a low fee.
She asked me today if I was angry at her, and I said I didn't think I was (though I'm never sure, I can't really tell what I'm feeling), but I did say that I felt she had betrayed some confidences to my parents...she explained why this is necessary, but I do still feel angry and somewhat hurt. I know that openness with my parents may help, but in my eyes, it is so hard to hear my parents express their worries about me, and it brings up so many bad feelings...so I don't feel like this meeting will help me...but I have to go anyway, apparently.
I know, it's great that I'm not in physical pain anymore...it's hard to believe, almost...I even wonder if that's the source of my feelings of disconnection to the world...I had come to understand living as being in constant pain...and now I feel like maybe nothing is real, this just can't be...I know this must sound strange, though.
I guess I could look into disability...I had considered it when I was struggling with that overwhelming physical pain, but my mom mentioned it as a horrible thing, an absolute last resort, saying that it would condemn me to a life of poverty, depression, and unproductive-ness. I also know that I don't qualify for the main type of disability because I haven't worked a full-time job before. I hadn't thought of going on disability just for depression...I guess I thought that not working is making my depression worse... but I guess it's a possibility...I just don't know that I'm ready to go that route yet.
As I posted earlier, I did get hired by a temp agency yesterday, so I'll see if any openings come from that...but it is true that my mental health seems so unstable right now that I worry whether I can work or not...but maybe the distraction of working would help.
Thanks as always for listening, and for your advice,
Rose