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| Fri, 12-05-2003 - 3:07pm |
I am in therapy right now and I am working or at least I feel that I am working very hard to become theperson that I know one day I will be able to become,
I brought up the borderline personality disorder cause what I have discussed with my therapist about my reactions to things and what I do to myself and how I see the world thru my eyes is alot different than the way most people perseve things.
I cut yes I do cut I have not alot these past few days cause I have ran out of arm space and I wont go near the legs one of my best features on my body so it is the arms only and I am trying to let them heal up.
I see things like this it is eather black or white nothing else no grey area nothing you are eather good ro bad pretty or ugly happy or sad but that is just my thinking not how everyone else thinks.
I feel like people are talking about me when I am not around if I hear someone wisper I think they are wispering about me I feel that people dont listen to what I am saying that they dont care about me or my feelings I feel alone unwanted unneeded worthless ugly fat a monster I have a horrible temper I attribute that to being Irish but I shouldnt.
I used to drink alot do alot of different drugs unsafe sex not with multiple partners but I would have what you call a booty call one person that I knew I could call up and sleep with, I have had unsafe sex had to take the morning after pill more than once I am on birth control now but still I didnt care about not using protection and I am happy to say that I am totally STD free got tested a month ago havent had sex since then so I am making some kind of progress small as it is.
I am the type of person that has to be constantly doing something bad to themselves weather it is drinking drugs sex vomiting up my food I have to do it I deserve it that is punishment for me.
I hope I am making sence
I think about how much fatter I feel since stopping the diet pills I still work out 6 days a week but to meI feel I have gained 100 pounds.
I am going back on the diet pills maybe it will stop the cutting
I am not proud of myself or what I do not at all and I hide alot of it most of it all of it from the family.
So anyways I know A few of you had some questions and I want to let all of you know that no one triggers me from this board at all my everyday life triggers things for me not any one of you at all.
well my lunch is here and I am going to try to get out of work early friday and it is snowing like crazy here in Connecticut and my car SUCKS in the snow
I'll write again later thanks for the responces to my post
Erin

(((((Erin))))), thank you for answering the questions you have received and for explaining more about how you think.
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CL-ladybug987
((((((((((((((((((((((((ERIN))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Sweetie, you are a fantastic person.