Stress, more stress, from family meeting
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| Fri, 12-05-2003 - 7:00pm |
There's maybe not even any logical reason to want to be away from my parents...they listed all the advantages, mainly that the financial issues would not be such a problem for me, there are more job openings there, I would eat better, etc. They even told me I could be independent while living with them.
Then they started in on the eating issue...saying that maybe I didn't want to move home because I know my parents watch what I eat and try to make me eat more. My mom told me how my sister made a special phone call to her just to ask her what was wrong with me, why I looked so thin the last time I saw her...even though I had already gained 8 pounds by that time. And everyone told me I need to gain even more weight...but I am so fat in my mind that all I can imagine doing is losing.
And my mom said she's worried because I may not find a job, run out of money and then not buy food, and what then? So they wanted me to break my apartment lease now because it might be easier, and just move back home. I said I would find some kind of job...but then my dad said I wouldn't be any better off with just a low-level job, leading nowhere...and no happier either...which is true. They mentioned that I need to find out what I really want to do...that maybe med school isn't right for me...maybe I should pursue photography instead. They even are pushing me to look into programs near the town they will be moving to.
And then what really bothered me was that my parents off-handedly said that they probably wouldn't even move if I didn't start feeling better...they would be much farther away from me then, and my mom said it would be "horrendous" for her to have to worry about me so much. So not only am I ruining my own life, but my parents' as well...if I end up stopping them from moving, I will hate myself even more...though they suggested that I move and live with them...God, why I am 23 years old and thinking about living with my parents for another few years?!
Wow, sorry to make this so incredibly long...the whole thing was just completely overwhelming. Throughout the whole meeting, I just wanted to disappear into my chair, never to be seen again...my therapist mentioned that this wasn't yet a "crisis situation," but by that point, I literally did want to die.
I feel a tiny bit calmer now, since my parents and I went out to eat and had a more normal conversation...I almost feel like the meeting was a dream now. Everyone kept pushing me to consider these many "options" I have, like moving home...when I just wanted to scream, "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!" I know I should really appreciate their concern, and I do...I have just been in an angry and cold mood...I just want to be left alone to eat or not eat, have money or have nothing, survive or not survive.
I don't know what is wrong with me, why I am so angry and hateful and unwilling to accept any help. My parents kept offering to help pay for groceries, etc. and I just kept saying, "No," over and over again. Even though I try not to, I know I do compare myself to my sister, who's living and succeeding on her own, getting a master's degree in a place half-way across the country...I feel like the backward, slow sibling who can't even care for herself.
I have been so mad today (and I thought I never felt anger!) that I just wanted to curse (which I never do)...fly down the road...scream...end it all. Now I guess I'm just tired...why does life have to be so impossibly hard?
Please, if anyone is there, I could really use any advice or support.
Rose

I don't know what to say, really. If you could find that place inside yourself where you are centered, and in that place ask yourself what would be best for YOU. Not in comparison to anyone else, because there is no comparison. We are all unique. Hey you managed to get three degrees, right? You got three over on me!
I'm so very glad your pain situation is better! I know how hard its been the last few months. One down.
KarenMRH
(((((((((((((((((((((((((ROSE))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Sweetie, I don't have much to offer right now except hugs and support for you.
Seeing as I live most of the time in "emotion mind," it is hard for me to find that centered place...but I am trying...in terms of a career, my night-time dreams and inner thoughts have long been pushing me to try photography...but I just don't know. In the short term, the mere thought of returning to my parents' house really bothers me...I'm not sure why...but I guess I still have a little time to figure things out...I hope I do someday...
I know, I'm also very grateful for the improvement in my pain. Not that I have zero pain now, but what I deal with today is nothing at all like before...unless I really overdo it, I don't even need pain medication...whereas before I relied on my four pain pills a day, every day. That's great, I know...I know I am ungrateful, though, in wishing that my emotional health would have improved as much...I am trying just to focus on the reduction in physical pain and not wish for more, though...
Thanks again,
Rose
Thanks again for the good thoughts...I'm sending all the ones I have back at you...hope you're hanging in there, too,
Rose
((((((((((((((((((ROSE))))))))))))))))))) Sweetie, you are absolutely right in not listening to the "emotions" that are telling you all the bad stuff.
(((((((((((((Rose))))))))))))), I wish I knew what to suggest.
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Since we've lived across the country from each other for the last 5 years or so, we hardly ever see or talk to each other anymore. So I don't consciously compare myself to her as often as I once did, although I do still think about what I have given up in order to be "different."
But recently (since we spent a week with each other at Thanksgiving), the discrepancy between us has seemed so obvious that comparisons are almost inevitable. She talks about her classes, her job, her friends...without any mean overtones...while I really have nothing to talk about.
Especially at this past family meeting, the clear differences between our lives and maturity levels really frustrated me, although no one mentioned my sister aloud or made any of those comparisons. But my parents were pushing me to move back home with them (and I kept hearing my sister's comments that she could never, ever go back to that situation)...and also talking about planning my future around the location of their new house...e.g. attending a photography program or med school at the local university there, and living with them.
My sister, on the other hand, is quite independent and lives a long plane flight away... and she plans to stay up North for the foreseeable future (she's said before she would never move back down South). It's hard for me to avoid comparing my own life to hers... it seems as though I'm much younger mentally (or emotionally) than she is, unable even to take care of myself or live an independent life...or even have a single friend.
I know her life isn't perfect, either...she just broke up with her boyfriend of several years (at least she had a boyfriend, though, is what I think!), and I even heard what could be signs of minor depression the last time I saw her. She doesn't really think her poetry is important anymore, says she doesn't really care...but then I think, maybe I'm just a few stages behind her, just starting to think poetry is important...and will come to the same conclusion she has eventually (I doubt this makes sense).
And she even mentioned some paranoid thoughts she has, which surprised me...but she says they haven't affected her life, and she behaves normally...she was the one who called my mom recently to ask what was wrong with ME because I was so thin (in her eyes, at least, not in mine). I do often wonder why I ended up with such problems regulating my emotions, while she turned out much more "normal"...my family has on occasion referred to her as a "drama queen" because she expresses her emotions a good bit...but hasn't had the serious depressions or suicidal thoughts that I have (as far as I know).
I know we are different people, but I wonder what in my life has produced all these problems...I almost always come to the conclusion that my own failings and weaknesses are the cause (even when I don't say this out loud, I think I do still believe it).
To answer your question about the two therapists, both were at the meeting because both of them see me each week...apparently I needed too much help for just one person (how horrible is that?), so I see one therapist twice a week and the other therapist once a week...except last week, I saw each therapist twice...unbelievable, I know...if I don't improve with all this help (at an unbelievably low fee, too), there can be no hope for me...I already feel very guilty and indebted to these therapists for all the time they have put in while trying to help me.
Sorry to have rambled so much...now I think I understand why my sister has bad carpal tunnel syndrome (I think I have the same predisposition, but have only recently been typing a lot)! Thanks for caring, and for listening, and I hope you are doing well,
Rose
((((((((((((((Rose)))))))))))))), thanks for filling me on your sister.
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