(-long-) words---may trigger

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
(-long-) words---may trigger
Sat, 12-06-2003 - 4:35am
i miss him today, my uncle george. i keenly remember the feeling when i found out he was dead. the earth stopped turning, time froze, my life lost all meaning that instant. he was everything to me. not really my uncle at all, just a friend's uncle--but something clicked with us, some sort of connection. i needed him and they say he needed me. he was everything my dad should have been to me but wasn't (but since he saw what happened when my uncle george died he is my everything now) i remember the visitation and funeral and how i cried and cried everyday for nearly a year. i never again want to feel what i feel--i want to go dig with my fingernails and dig him out of his grave and wake him up. i want him to meet my baby, i want to hug him again, i want to tell him all my troubles. i want to burn down all the liquor stores and bars in the county because i don't know which one is responsible for selling him the drinks that made him let his truck kill him. i don't anyone else to have to feel the gnawing bleeding sucking gash in their souls because someone they love got drunk and fell off the road and lay under their truck until they died. the cops, ha they tell you "oh he felt no pain he died instantly" bull sh*t!! dude, were you there? are you psychic? how did you know? i think they lie. it's false comfort. i feel like i failed him, not knowing that he needed me, nor knowing that he was under his truck dying, i could have stopped him, i could have driven him home. i keep seeing trucks that look like his and i keep thinking he's going to call me, or show up somewhere, or maybe i'll see him on the road. maybe if i visit his grave enough he'll come back. i know of course this is foolishness. dead is dead. who found him? did they know him? i've never found anyone dead. my best friend has. he said it was a truck driver, his mom pulled over..on the interstate, the guy's face was gone. was he the world to someone? did someone's world stop when they found out he was dead? the day of the funeral, i felt apart, not really being a real family member, i stood back. i remember it--the day after labor day of 1999. hot it was, the sun beat down. the grass in the cemetary had that hard brown-dried death look about it that it gets after a dry august. the air was full of bugs, buzzing around, stirred up by shortening days...they put him in the ground....i go there to see him. but he isn't there. he doesn't answer me. does he know i cry for him still? does he know? evetually time heals things, and i stopped crying everyday--but certain days, like the anniversary of his death or a special occaion...i want to hear his voice again..i want him to laugh at me again...i want the assurance that he is there for me even if i need him at 3 am. the first knuckle of my right hand has a scar, a half-moon shape, he had one similar, mine's from being careless and cleaning the meat slicer at an old job without the protective gloves (don't do that!) it was gross, bled a lot. it took along time to heal. i should have gotten stitches but i didn't because i didn't want my boss to know i was cleaning the freshly sharpened blade with no gloves. it healed. but--it's now a "tricky spot" it aches when a front is coming. i say "it is gonna rain the tricky spots are achin" my heart is kinda like that. the acute pain of his death is healed, my heart no longer hemorrhages with sorrow, but every once in awhile, when i feel lonely or helpless or really sad or scared it hurts again, the part of my heart i hold him in hurts. i have one picture, and some vague memories. he's dead he's gone he isn't coming back

how can people just DIE?? how is that possible? how could he have just left me?

i need to get some sleep.