I also need to vent, just been strugglin

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
I also need to vent, just been strugglin
4
Sat, 12-06-2003 - 11:54am
I need a guilt icon. That's my worst depression symptom right now. This never ending sense of guilt that I allow myself to feel.

I had PPD 3 years ago, anxiety issues prior to that. My son is three now. Been struggling to get off Paxil now. Down to about 20mgs since October. And it was only 10mgs but I guess with the lack of light on the east coast here it's been a double whamy. Plus the holidays. Right now, I don't like the holidays. My house is a chaotic hodgepodge of decorations that make no sense. Nothing elegant. All very child like. I have toys everywhere. No end in sight to that. Things will change there, getting an addition.

But see what I mean. I mean I know logically who gives a crap aobut this stupid house stuff. But for some reason I just can't let go of it. I mean I was reading some of the other posts, and I am lucky. But why do I feel like such an awful mom. I feel like the worst mom in the world. ALl I want to do is improve my hosue and all my son want to do is play with me. Why can't I just play with him? Why can't I want that? What is the matter with me? Why do I care so much about my stupid house? I am so mad at myself!!!! I feel so alone.

It's one issue I have stuggled and struggled and struggled with in therapy. And it's the whole perfectionistic, competitve my house needs to be up to the par with everyone else's. And I know it's sooooo not important. I just want to let it go. But I can't. I now the harder I fight it, the harder it'll be to let go. If I play with my son I feel guilt about the hosue, if I clean the hosue I feel guilt. It's soooo stuppppid.

I even can't get mad or sad anymore because my son gets upset. I feel bad inside.

Now my son is crying. Now we are all crying.

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sat, 12-06-2003 - 5:28pm

(((((((((((((((((((((((Sweetie))))))))))))))))))))))


Welcome to the board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 12-06-2003 - 7:55pm
Thank you for posting. I like the idea of 10 minutes with son and 10 minutes on house stuff kind of thing. That's good. I like that.

You really hit home with your post. I know I get this from my own mother. She never played with us. Ever. She just took care of us. There were three of us. And I was always the slob. Ironic eh?

Now I am obsessed with a nice house. But somehow, I know it's more than that. It's not about thehosue. It's about perceptions. And forever worry what people think

I am very tired. But thank you.

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sat, 12-06-2003 - 9:08pm

Another thought do you procrastinate about anything?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sun, 12-07-2003 - 9:07am

hehe once again GMTA with my dear co-cl and friend Trac!


I was going to post the same thing about finding a balance.. I think that is so important anyway, even for people not suffering depression *wink


Wishing you the best sweetie, and remember what I always tell myself... "The cobwebs will be there long after your son has grownup and you can clean them then!"


*hugs