Loneliness
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| Mon, 12-08-2003 - 10:42am |
As I posted earlier (my english is not that good). But I wanted to keep in touch with you all. As you know I'm moving on February to Boston. But on these days I've been feeling kind of lonely (as usual but more intensified). Also there has been a few days in wich I have tought of ending my life since every time I try to call my brothers they know is me who's calling and don't want to answer (wich hurts my feelings from deep inside) and I really don't feel loved by no one . Altough my mom is my only support in Boston. And she knows that my brothers aren't very cooperative and don't like to share time with me she thinks and told me that is my fault , my fault because of what?, what have I done?, Only been depressed almost all my life. Now I wanna change my life as I posted earlier "I want a whole new life" but things that my mom tells me doesn't help me at all.
And this is not it I'm having a lot of PROBLEMS and PRESSURE at work my supervisor and the dept manager are always CHASING me. I just finish the most significant relationship with a guy because he ruined it , I discovered he was back using drugs and was trying to make up things with his ex. My father has never worried about me. Also at this moment I have the pressure to sell all the furniture and things at home cause I can't afford at this moment to pay another month of rent since I have to resolve many financial issues before I go to Boston.The thing is I'm alone in all this and in my life I need a hug I need an expression that tells me that someone really cares about me and that I'm important in someone's life. And Honestly there are so many times in wich I think that I just bother my mother with my depressions cause before she went to live to Boston she told me that she was gonna have more peace there. Sometimes I think that I do her a favor if I end things. I really don't know how this will end up. Please I need some advice.

Hello. I read this posting, but then had to find your first post so that I could understand all of what you were saying since your referred to the previous posting. First of all, don't worry about your English. There are a lot of people born to english that do not use it very well. I only wish I could learn a second language. It is a strength of yours to be bi-lingual.
It is also a strength of yours to have a Bachelors Degree. May I ask what is your field of study?
As one of the other members of this board so eloquently put it, your brothers actions define them....not you. I believe the posting is under the name of unmovedmover (?). Anyway, as he mentioned, he told his bank teller, her soon to be ex-husband's actions did not define her as much as they defined him, so does this apply to your brothers. Their actions describe who they are, not you. Don't let anyone else define who you are. Do your brothers live in Boston?
You had mentioned in your previous posting, that you are bi-polar? You said that you are on five medications. Can I assume that you are also in therapy?
It is my assumption the PR is Puerto Rico? I am completely ignorant to the customs there, so you will have to help me. Is Christmas as big an event there as it is in Boston? I know even the healtiest of individuals in the U.S. become depressed around the holidays. So I can only imagine how difficult it must be for someone living with bi-polar, although my daughter is also bi-polar. Have you talked to your mother about other relatives that may be or had been bi-polar? It usually runs in a family somewhere. In our case, my uncle was diagnosed with manic depressive disorder (the old term for bi-polar). As the mother of a child (adult now) with bi-polar, it is very exhausting at times. The most helpful step I took, was to learn more about the disorder so that I was able to identify certain behaviors to the disorder, rather than her personality or character. Maybe your mother would be willing to do this too. It would benefit both of you.
As for your brothers....just because they are your brothers and you love them, doesn't mean that you have to like them. I realize your customs support a close family, but maybe you can just agree to disagree. I know my sister and I do not visit with each other. We have very little contact with one another. She lives about 100 miles from me and we talk every 10 yrs or so and it suits us both just fine. Our parents wish it were different and we grew up close. But as we aged we developed different attitudes about life and really have nothing in common....other than our parents. I always try to ask how she and her family are doing and I listen to their stories about their visits. That is enough for me.
Nuden...you can do very well in life. Start concentrating on your strengths instead of your weaknesses. Even bi-polar is not a "weakness", it is a medical disorder. You would not begrudge someone with diabetes, so stop being so hard on you. If you can get into personal one on one therapy to learn some coping techniques, or even a group therapy session, that would benefit you.
As for your supervisor and department manager....I would just tell them "red light". If that doesn't work then file sexual harrassment papers against them. Be ready though, it's not a smooth ride. There is a 5 million dollar sexual harrassment law suit going on at my husbands work place, right now.
As for the ex-boyfriend...that's his loss. I'm sure from what you said, that you don't want to be with someone who is using drugs and dating his ex at the same time as you. He's just going to ruin you finacially as well. That is a sinking ship and you deserve better than that. After all, you have plans. As far as selling the furniture....it's just "stuff" and less "stuff" that you have to move. Once you are re-located either in Boston or in a different apartment, you can gradually add what YOU want.
Just because you are physically alone, does not mean that you automatically have to be lonely. Many people in the middle of a houseful of family members, still feel alone. I believe that a person feels alone because he/she is not relating to another person. You have this board to help you connect to others going through the same rough time as you are, right now. Use us for a while.
The important thing is that you start concentrating on who you want to be and start actively taking care of yourself. Like I said before, start looking at your strengths. Set yourself some small goals at first and take some babysteps towards them each day. You are strong and worthwile, with or without any other person in your life. You can only be enhanced by others, but not defined. And remember....no one else has the right to an opinion on your life, but you.
A good book is "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D.
A good book on thoughts of suicide is by Melody Beattie, "A Reason to Live"
Both have been on the shelves long enough to possibly be in your public library. Please keep in touch...I am interested and I care.
Blessings.
I studied Business Administration with a major in Marketing on a well credited University. My brothers live in Puerto Rico were I live but is like they don't even exist.
At this moment I'm on therapy and it has help me a lot but I still very depressive periods. And , yes we also celebrate Christmas ,Thansksgiving, etc etc. We in Puerto Rico have almost the same traditions as you people on the US since we are US territory. By the way on Thanksgiving I felt pretty sad cause none of my brothers invited me to share that special day with them.
I have tried to explain my family what my bipolar condition is but it seems like they are not that supportive and they don't know how serous when you have suicidal thoughts. I think my father also suffers from bipolar disease since from what I know about him, he has all the characteristics and has a lot of depressive periods.
What bother's me most about my mother is the fact that she always think that everybody is ok except me I'm never Ok. This has hurt my self-esteem since I was very young. THIS REALLY BOTHERS ME.
At work they already know I'm leaving on January. They should leave me alone. I have had enough in this life. Sometimes I think I wanna be surrounded by people and sometimes I don't. I have been betrayed by so many people since I was so young that. First my mom cheated on my father when I was 8 and I saw everything. My father even tried to commit suicied by cutting the back of his hands. I had to live all these years with my stepfather,the man with wich my mom betrayed my father. And he treated me and my brothers like sh$%^&*. WE even had to ask if we wanted to have something to eat. we couldn't open the fridge,etc etc. Now fortunely my mom got divorced. And our relationship is is better today than yesterday. 3 years ago I was raped by a guy who put something on my drink. I have been betrayed by so many boyfriends. Even my best friend betrayed me. What the hell is going on in this world. I'm not evil. How I'm I supposed to feel when all I have is work, house, supermarket, what a fun life!!