not doing so well- maybe trigs at end?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
not doing so well- maybe trigs at end?
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 11:42pm
i have felt my depression creeping up and i keep fighting it back down. right now it is up and i am really getting upset. i don't even know what hurts exactly or why, all i know is that i am depressed. i am going to say what is bothering me, and maybe i will figure out how to fix it and maybe you guys can help...

first of all, i am in this amazing relationship. history has shown me that the more i like a guy, the weirder i get and the more depression creeps up. maybe it is because i get so happy and it opens me up to fall harder. i'm sure it has something to do with my father and his bad relationship with me and my mother. all i know is that i have this amazing guy who i don't know what i would do without. things are great, he has gotten so much more expressive of his feelings and always gives me a big chunk of his free time. the problem is, there isn't much of itself and i find myself being disappointed when he is spending a night to himself. i worry that we don't see each other enough and that is indicitive of things not lating or something. how much is normal to see a boyfriend of 4 months anyways? i am probably making myself crazy over nothing.

next thing, i still don't have a job. lots of frustrating stuff with that. probably the worst part is i have too much time on my hands to think which can be dangerous with me and lead to depression!

last thing, i had opened up a while back to a friend of mine about cutting my wrists a long time ago. it is hard to talk about, but i will tell someone when i think it can help and i have already posted on this board about it so i know i can tell you guys. well, she did it last night and called me really depressed. i wanted to be a good friend and be there for her, and i was today too (she is much better) but it is hitting home and reminding me of a dark time when i am trying to keep myself out of it myself. i know it's not my fault, but i still feel partially responsible.

thanks anyone who has read this, it has helped me that i know i can tell you guys this stuff and you won't judge me and you'll try to help. thanks for that. any advice would be greatly appreciated!