been thinking!!!!!!!!pretty happy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
been thinking!!!!!!!!pretty happy
5
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 11:25am


Hey ladies!!

I have been doing alot of thinking these past few weeks about myself my life and what I want out of it not what others want me to do with it or what they think I can only do with it and so on...

I have decided that for Christmas I am going to spend it with great friends in Mass..we are going to have a great dinner good times and laughs no presents no worries just relax..I have decided this because my family has caused me alot of stress and heartache these past few months I have become very detached with them and I have gotten no encouragement from them which I need so badly now but my friends well they have been great thru it all thick and thin good bad ugly totally there for me.

So the reason for all this thinking about 2 weeks ago my sister and I were cleaning the house and ya we were cleaning but it was cool to hang out with my sister talking joking around stuff like that so after we were done she asked me if I wanted to go to best buy with her to look at some gifts for Luis (my roommate for those who dont know) so I agreed and while she was getting ready I was going to do a small workout which I did then got ready by that time Luis came home (he was away for the weekend) so she asks him to come along and I got upset (I know stupid of me) but I was looking forward to spending time alone with my sister since we barley speak to one another as it is it just seems that when Luis is around she has no need to talk to me but when he isnt around she seems to want to talk to me maybe it is me but I feel so slighted forgotten unwanted and un-needed so I figure since whenever I am around my family I always seem to feel worse about me that I would spend the holidays with friends since we all make each ther feel wanted needed loved which is great and I love these girls I am going to see them this weekend I really need to get out of town badly.

So I have been thinking and I have decided to go back to school or at least make an attempt at it figure it cant hurt to broaden my horizons right...

I have also decided that once marnie tells me it is okay I am going to go back to live in Arizona that way I can be near my son and not miss anymore of his life plus I dont feel at home here in Connecticut I havent in many years actually since I moved here from Arizona I have felt empty.

I have also decided to not worry about having a man in my life an I am going to try to stay away from the empty sex, I have although gone back to one old habit diet pills I know not good but old habit die hard.

I have realized that I am thre type of person that has to hurt themselves physically mentally whatever but it still remains the same I have to feel pain some how and since I have gotten back to the diet pills I havent cut my arms up they are still healing but the urge isnt there right now maybe the two have a commen thread maybe they go hand in hand could there be a reason to the cutting the dieting somehow or am I just looney tunes at this moment.

So I am feeling really good at this moment in time I cant complian I have been working out staying away from going out and over drinking no sex no drugs nothing bad so far has been going on.

I think the nuerontin is kicking in the only thing is that at night I have to take one nytol in order to fall asleep which I dont like but if I dont I will be up all night.

So I just wanted to give an update to you all I will be reading and replying soon but work is nuts at this moment in time.

Thank you to all of you ladies.

I love you all.

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 11:53am
(((((((((((Erin)))))))))))), you are making some terrific choices for yourself!

 

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CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 12:36pm
Hey there chica-dee. Wow! What a great post. Doesn't it feel good when you have time to sit and analyze yourself and you just realize what you have to do to be where you want to be? I see what needs to be done for me, but getting there is the hard part. I'm not sure where my b/f and I stand right now and how much longer we'll be together, but I'm going to spend the Holidays with my friends and family up in Ohio this year so I can be happy. I've lived in Florida for 2 years now and I've been pretty miserable the whole time...lack of support, lack of friends, lack of self meaning. I've felt lost and empty since I left my friends and family and it's funny b/c right now I have no idea where I'm headed, but I could tell you exactly what I would do if my b/f and I broke up for good. It's relieving to know that you have that strength inside. I'm glad to hear that you'll be spendind your holidays in a fun, relaxing environment. You sound so ecstatic in your post...I know that excitement all too well. Congrats. on giving up on the things that are bad for you, I know its hard. I did the whole diet pill thing, too. Mainly for the ever so needed boosts of energy, but I had to quit those b/c I was getting really sick. I lost a whole bunch of weight, my boobs shrank (which were the only thing on my body that I was comfortable with, and there they went right along w/ my self esteem), I was probably down to 110 or so. (I"m 5'8'') It wasn't pretty. I started passing out at work, I never ate so I was constantly weak. I started becoming mean towards people I cared about...my temper flared much quicker than normal. I cried uncontrollably...and didn't even know why half the time. My palms were always sweaty and I couldn't hold anything still b/c I was always shaking. Just...please be careful with those things. They can make your life a living hell if you abuse them. But, other than my 2 cents about that...I'm really happy for you. You sound as though you've made a significant breakthrough with yourself. You can always look here for positive encouragment to stay on that road...b/c, sweety. This post...you don't sound like your %100 just yet, but you sound %100 better than some of your others. Remember what gave you your sweet relief. Love ya'! **Hugz to you** ~~Sarah~~
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 3:11pm
Erin,

It sounds like you are doing so much better. It's amazing. I know a few people who have made a major turnaround this week. It must be in the stars or something.

I admire how you are taking such good care of yourself right now. I know what you mean about family making you feel worse. I stopped spending the holidays with my family when I was 22. It was so freeing! I always felt badly about myself when I was with them during that time.

Now I spend holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas doing what makes me feel best about myself. I have a quiet, peaceful time with my dh and our animals. It's relaxing and very sweet. The best part is that I don't spend time with people who treat me like I don't really matter.

I'm relieved that you aren't cutting yourself. Whatever keeps you from doing that is a big improvement.

I remember you saying many times that you don't like living in Connecticut. It sounds like you enjoyed Arizona much more than where you are now. I'm sure you have some of the same struggles there, but it sounds like a much more nurturing ploce for you.

I've lived many places, but I've always found that I'm happier in California. Moving to San Diego was one of the best decisions of my life. I think that certain places are more suitable to certain people. Living in the best place for you is an important part of creating a healthy life for yourself.

I'm really excited to read your post. I support you in all of these changes you are making that support your emotional needs. Way to go on not drinking or going out right now! That's big. I agree that most men are emotionally and spiritually empty. It's ridiculous. It sounds like it's much better for you to stay away from them while you start to make self-nurturing choices in your life.

All My Best,

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 6:55pm
Yay!!!! (((Erin)))

Way to go girl. I am proud of you for making such important decisions.

What would you like to take in school? I think if you believe in something enough, you can make it happen.

Take care

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 6:57pm

(((((((((((((((ERIN))))))))))))))))))


Sweetie, your post was wonderful to read!