Really low (possible triggers)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Really low (possible triggers)
1
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 8:56pm
I've spent most of the last week trying not to cry. I feel paralyzed, like I can only do the most basic things. My room is a disaster, I look like a walking rag heap, and I'm so lonely and frustrated I could scream! This is Christmas, for heaven's sake. I love Christmas -- always have (even though my first Christmas memory is my father slapping me when I was three). In spite of years of living among people who thought the whole thing is a crashing bore, there isn't a five year old on the planet who loves Christmas as much as I do.

It galls me no end that I can only give such bargain-basement presents (and yes, I know it's not the price that matters, but sometimes I wish I could afford something better than Target or K-Mart!). I see the ads where he's giving her diamonds and she's giving him a Lexus (though even if I had the money, nobody on my list would get either), and that also brings up how unloveable I feel. I'm subscribed on two singles websites and, in spite of having sent out literally over five dozen "flirt" messages, I have gotten no responses at all -- not one. How does that NOT crush your self-esteem? I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. What guy in his right mind wants to be hooked to Moby Mary, the 400-lb. wonder? Sometimes I hate myself, I feel so ugly. Maybe that's why I don't take care of myself or my needs at all -- it's hard to feel like I deserve it.

After the First, my therapist and I are looking at my going onto medication. I don't want to , but I don't know what to do. Moral fortitude alone certainly isn't working (another reason, I guess, for me to feel like an utter failure).

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 10:15pm
Sorry to hear that things are going so badly for you.

I am happy to hear, though, that you are thinking of going on meds. They can really help you get a handle on depression. That along with therapy really do make a difference.

Take care

Pamela

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