Really low (possible triggers)
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| Wed, 12-10-2003 - 8:56pm |
It galls me no end that I can only give such bargain-basement presents (and yes, I know it's not the price that matters, but sometimes I wish I could afford something better than Target or K-Mart!). I see the ads where he's giving her diamonds and she's giving him a Lexus (though even if I had the money, nobody on my list would get either), and that also brings up how unloveable I feel. I'm subscribed on two singles websites and, in spite of having sent out literally over five dozen "flirt" messages, I have gotten no responses at all -- not one. How does that NOT crush your self-esteem? I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. What guy in his right mind wants to be hooked to Moby Mary, the 400-lb. wonder? Sometimes I hate myself, I feel so ugly. Maybe that's why I don't take care of myself or my needs at all -- it's hard to feel like I deserve it.
After the First, my therapist and I are looking at my going onto medication. I don't want to , but I don't know what to do. Moral fortitude alone certainly isn't working (another reason, I guess, for me to feel like an utter failure).

I am happy to hear, though, that you are thinking of going on meds. They can really help you get a handle on depression. That along with therapy really do make a difference.
Take care
Pamela