NEED HUGS LOVES AND MY SANITY! TRIGGS ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
NEED HUGS LOVES AND MY SANITY! TRIGGS ?
1
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 1:36pm
I am going to see Kara today and then I will be heading out to my parent's for the weekend. I was going to go out tomorrow but I talked to my mom and she asked me to come out today so I can help gram watch Lexxy while her and Tammy go shopping for presents for Lexxy. Her birthday is the 21st and she will be 5 and we are having the party Sunday and so they need to buy her Birthday and Christmas presents. I need to get some Risperdal today and since Weiss will be there when I finish with Kara I am going to have her ask him if maybe we need to increase my dosage.I am doing much better then a week ago but I have noticed on a couple times I heard the voice that tells me to kill myself and that I am not worth anything. I was able to work through it using my coping skills as Kara would say but I will say that this is quite frustrating to me. Nothing against homeless people or mentally ill people of which I am one but I also thought that people who heard voices were nuts and now here it is happening to me. I have been with Weiss about 9 years and I have had many suicidal attempts and pysch hospitalizations in that time and it is hard to believe that just a week ago he asked me if I hear voices. I should say it is one voice but still.I mean do you know what it is like telling your husband that you hear voices. He probably thinks I am nuts but won't say it. When I mentioned it he said that is why you are on this medication and I love you. It hurts me so bad because he doesn't deserve this kind of life. If I am ever in a fatal accident or I take my life that would be the only way I would die before him because he is that much older then me and I feel guilty that he has to put up with this. He didn't ask to marry a woman who is all screwed up. I notice that when I am stressed I hear the voice the most but what can be done I mean we all get stress in our life,and I don't know if this is happening more so now because I am working on core issues of mine such as my adoption, abandonment issues and the sexual abuse I endured as a child. I just wish I could go back to Andrea with depression but without the voice. It is scary to me but it has to be terrifying to my husband. I mean take this morning before I came here to the library. I forget exactly what happened to lead up to it but Irv asked me something and I swear it was like I was floating and I heard myself say to him She says no and he said what do you mean she says no and I said that the voice in my head said no and he looked and said did you take your meds and I said I did and he said well we have to wait for them to work. I mean this is really sad and I am really hurting that he has to go through this but I know he loves me and would never leave me but I don't think this is fair to him. I don't know what the answer is but all I know is I want my sanity back. Sorry this was so long but I just needed to vent. I will post more tomorrow from my mom's library and let you all know what Kara and Weiss say. Love and Hugs Andrea
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 7:35pm

((((((((((((((ANDREA))))))))))))))))))))))))


Hugs hugs and more hugs!!


I know you are having a bit of a rough time, but I wanted to let you know that I hear sooo many positives in your post and im very proud of how hard you are working on your issues and really not letting this beast called depression keep you down any more then it has too!


I look forward to hearing what Kara and Weiss have to say!!


Much love!

*hugs

*hugs