Bad night, alone and lonely...
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| Sat, 12-13-2003 - 6:19pm |
And today I tried to take refuge from the rain in a local bookstore...I was skimming a magazine at one end of the store when I saw several people from this same scholarship program...to avoid talking to them, I went to the other side of the store. Then, while reading a poetry book, who walked by but the guy I last went out with...with another girl by his side. I know this sounds like classic soap-opera drama...and it's not like me... but still, it hurts.
And he was shocked to see me "still" here, in my college town...asked me what I was doing, and again I had little answer except "hanging out, working a temp job"...everyone expected more of me, and I know he did...it was quite clear to me that he was puzzled that I'm not doing more with my life. I know I shouldn't be so sensitive to other people's opinions of me...but I am disappointed in myself too.
To top it all off, last night, as I worked a shift from 3 P.M. to 1 A.M. helping cater a banquet, my entire body was screaming out in pain...and even though I normally don't have much desire for a boyfriend, I just wished for someone to hold me...as silly and cliche as that may sound. And just last night I thought of this guy I last dated...the one I saw in the bookstore today. It was kind of sad, though, that I didn't even really care who it was, as long as someone could hold me...I even wished that one of the guys working at the banquet could give me a hug...even though I didn't know any of them well and of course would never have asked them for one!
But I am shy and awkward socially...and have barely had one semi-serious relationship (and that only lasted a month!)...and I have very few opportunities to meet people anyway. I'm not even interested in meeting people or dating now, as strange as that may sound...I don't want to go through all the fake smiling and small talk...I just wish I weren't so alone. It's so strange, last week I just wanted to be LEFT alone, and now I feel so lonely I could die...I don't understand it.
I know I'm doing a lot of black-and-white thinking, and I am trying to ward off these thoughts...but I just don't know that I can do it much longer. My heart has nothing to hold on to...and I'm faced with another cold, rainy night when everything feels completely purposeless. In the end, I'm alone and missing out on life...and I'm either too lazy to do the work it takes to change things and build up accomplishments and relationships, or simply incapable...either way, I feel very lost.
Rose

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I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time. I can understand what you mean by wanting to be left alone while also feeling lonely. I think that loneliness is the worst part of depression (at least it is for me). When you are feeling depressed it is extremely difficult to go out and be social but yet you don't want to be alone either. It's a very bad "catch 22". I've been in the midst of one of my depressed periods for the past few months and I've really been struggling with feeling lonely and isolated. However, I've found that on the few occasions where I'm able to push myself to be social I end up feeling a little better. I know it sounds cliched, but take care of yourself...I hope that you feel better soon. Please know that you aren't alone in feeling lost...I think everyone that struggles with this disorder has felt that way at some point.
Becky
Your post really struck a nerve with me. Tho it's been at least 10 years since I've been where you are. I too was a scholarship recipient who tried a job and failed and fell into a depression post college. Post college is tough. There is nothing wrong with waiting it out and trying to find your way slowly. It's quite common. It's a huge time of transition. And what you are experiencing, tho compounded by feelings of depression are felt by loads of college grads in the first year out. It's wise not to jump into anything right now. I did and I had to quit. the job was all wrong for me. So take your time.
But are you treating hte depression. I am new here so I don't know. Therapy helped me during that time of transition. And to build my confidence. And meds do help. Maybe you have both. Forcing yourself to go out does help too.
I hope this helps, Kelly
Hi Rosa!
You said it several times so I know you know that it is "black and white thinking" so that is good.. well good at least that you recognize it.
*hugs
Hi, nice to "meet" you...and thank you so much for your reply. As much as I hate the thought of anyone else going through the pain that I have, it is good to know that someone else can relate to my feelings. Yes, loneliness has been one of the worst things about depression for me, too, I think...even when I had a boyfriend (my only semi-serious one), I would feel lonely sometimes even when I hugged him...just that empty feeling that no one can seem to fill.
I agree that social situations can help sometimes, too...I do still feel somewhat better emotionally just because I went out and worked and actually talked to a lot of different people. It's such a strange thing, though, because I dread talking to people sometimes, and I'm anxious even while talking to them...but then it ends up helping me...it's a hard pill to swallow!
Thanks again...I hope you are doing all right yourself...and I will try to take care of myself too,
Rose
I am having such a hard time figuring out what I want to do, but there is pressure to make some decisions quickly (e.g. about going to this med school interview, etc.)...plus I don't want to spend another year just waiting, trying to figure out what my ultimate goals are...I worry that I would end up in the same indecisive place I am now. I agree, though, hopefully time will help me discover what I truly want to do.
I am treating the depression with therapy...and I am on a low dose of antidepressants for my fibromyalgia (though they may not be high enough to help with the depression). I've lived with this depression for a large majority of the past five years or so...and I've gone through many therapists and psychiatrists, even two hospitals...tried almost every antidepressant out there (and I'm only 23 now!)...most didn't work or had bad side effects.
Now, my mental health insurance has run out, so I can't afford to see a psychiatrist for meds (my general practictioner has prescribed the antidepressants, but for the purpose of pain management). I do see therapists very frequently (I sometimes see two different ones for a total of 3 times a week!), who are my lifeline right now. But we're not working on "issues" as much as improving my general physical and emotional health, e.g. by eating more healthfully, sleeping regularly, practicting "mindfulness" (like meditation) techniques...I'm not sure if it's really working, but at least I've stayed out of the hospital this year (just barely).
Lately, though, I have been pretty worried that I might be bipolar instead of simply depressed. One well-regarded psychiatrist, who talked to me for about two hours in one session, did tell me he thought I had at least bipolar "tendencies," and prescribed me Lamictal, a mood-stabilizer...but I never got to start taking it because my mental health insurance ran out (long story). Since then, I've had much more extreme mood swings... but my therapists don't seem to think I'm bipolar, so I'm really not sure...but I know that if I am bipolar, some different meds might help...though I feel like I "should" be able to control my emotions myself...
Sorry, now I've given you my whole life story! Your message did really help me...thanks for posting...and I hope to "talk" to you again sometime.
Rose
I know I do take others' opinions too much to heart...a while ago, I realized that I think I rely on others' opinions so much because I don't enjoy anything myself...over the past five or so years, I haven't done many things just because I wanted to...I only did them to avoid disappointing other people, or for other people to have at least a decent opinion of me. I know this is sad, but I think it's a result of my depression...and now that I'm out of college, I don't know what I want to do, because I never really learned what I enjoy doing!
I'm not sure if I'm making sense...rambling, as usual. But thanks again...I hope you're doing OK...and in any case, you can know that you made my day a bit better just by what you told me in your post.
Rose
I can relate to feeling lonely, yet wanting to be left alone.
If you want, you can email me. My address is under my profile. I also have MSN Messenger, maybe we can chat?
I live in my small home town, and there is nobody here that I am friends with, there are no prospects for a relationship. AND I have to learn to like/love myself first anyway.
Take care. I'll be thinking of you sweetie.
Pamela
I'm fairly new to the boards, but I just wanted to tell you to hang in there. I completely relate to how you would do things in order to not disappoint others. I too am a victim of making others happy before myself. As a result you wind up neglecting yourself and it becomes difficult to figure out what it is that YOU really want to do. I've been doing it all my life and I'm not that much older than you (I'm 25). It becomes another obstacle to overcome when battling depression and can make it all the more difficult, but I found that by just taking a few moments in each day to do at least one thing that I really enjoy helps me to find "me" again and find out what I like to do. My therapist said that it's called codependency and she recommended a good book that works like a twelve step program called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I have not gotten it yet but I plan to. Maybe a simple goal to set for ourselves to try to do at least one positive thing for ourself a day, whether it is reading a book, taking a walk in the park, etc. I'm pulling for you and hoping that you have better days and try staying positive.
Sending lots of warm hugs your way,
Jaime
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I know that I am not someone who can actually give you a hug for real but maybe these little computer ones will do for the time being so here are a few to start with....
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Okay I hope those help you out even if it may only be a little help I have learned that a little usually goes a long way...
Okay I know how you feel about the guy you dated and that it kinda hurt seeing him with someone else I get that way but not with every guy just a select few but it guts me if only they were just talking with some girl and it is usually the ones that have gotten under my skin the most and really were not worth my time in the first place and that I should not even be stressing over them anyways but we are women and that is what we do..
I also know what it is like to be lonley I am 28 and single when most of the girls my age are married I am not I really dont know if marriage is for me anyways I do not know how to cook at all I can clean wash dishes do laundry but cooking NO..
So my point is sometimes when we are in a position of being so down on ourselves it seeps thru out onto our outer selves and others can see it not that we are wrong for feeling this way but it shows and it is no ones fault that is why I believe that if you are single when you are down stay single work on yourself that way you will be okay when you do decide that you would like mr.right to cross your path.
I get down on myself alot like 99 percent of the time just on friday I had a co-workers boyfriend tell me that he didnt understand why I was single cause I am beautiful I looked at him said thatnk you but in my head I was like what are you blind do you need new glasses or something I told my sister and she said to me that it is true I am beautiful that I need to believe it and I decided over the weekend that I was going to start to try to like me more and you should try to do the same.
We are all different I am learning that at 5'2 I will never be a model that at 100 pounds I am not fat I work out and I am learning to be oksy with me.
I am also learning that being with someone is not a garuntee for happiness sometimes it is the oposite.
I know I kinda went off track with this sorry for that but maybe some of what I said has been of some help and insight
Please sweetie I am not going to ask you to love yourself but try to like yourself just try wait and see what happens.
here are some more hugs if ya need them.
Erin
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Thanks for thinking of me, I'll be thinking of you too,
Rose
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