Bad night, alone and lonely...
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| Sat, 12-13-2003 - 6:19pm |
And today I tried to take refuge from the rain in a local bookstore...I was skimming a magazine at one end of the store when I saw several people from this same scholarship program...to avoid talking to them, I went to the other side of the store. Then, while reading a poetry book, who walked by but the guy I last went out with...with another girl by his side. I know this sounds like classic soap-opera drama...and it's not like me... but still, it hurts.
And he was shocked to see me "still" here, in my college town...asked me what I was doing, and again I had little answer except "hanging out, working a temp job"...everyone expected more of me, and I know he did...it was quite clear to me that he was puzzled that I'm not doing more with my life. I know I shouldn't be so sensitive to other people's opinions of me...but I am disappointed in myself too.
To top it all off, last night, as I worked a shift from 3 P.M. to 1 A.M. helping cater a banquet, my entire body was screaming out in pain...and even though I normally don't have much desire for a boyfriend, I just wished for someone to hold me...as silly and cliche as that may sound. And just last night I thought of this guy I last dated...the one I saw in the bookstore today. It was kind of sad, though, that I didn't even really care who it was, as long as someone could hold me...I even wished that one of the guys working at the banquet could give me a hug...even though I didn't know any of them well and of course would never have asked them for one!
But I am shy and awkward socially...and have barely had one semi-serious relationship (and that only lasted a month!)...and I have very few opportunities to meet people anyway. I'm not even interested in meeting people or dating now, as strange as that may sound...I don't want to go through all the fake smiling and small talk...I just wish I weren't so alone. It's so strange, last week I just wanted to be LEFT alone, and now I feel so lonely I could die...I don't understand it.
I know I'm doing a lot of black-and-white thinking, and I am trying to ward off these thoughts...but I just don't know that I can do it much longer. My heart has nothing to hold on to...and I'm faced with another cold, rainy night when everything feels completely purposeless. In the end, I'm alone and missing out on life...and I'm either too lazy to do the work it takes to change things and build up accomplishments and relationships, or simply incapable...either way, I feel very lost.
Rose

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I don't know, though...can you be co-dependent on a variety of people, on the rest of society in general? I do worry a lot about what other people think of me, and base many of my decisions on what I imagine other people's opinions to be. I will try to find that book, too...maybe we can talk about it later if we both read it.
I think your suggestion of trying to do at least one thing a day that we enjoy is a good one. Whether consciously or not, I have been trying to do that lately...today, for example, I went out to the local botanical gardens and took some photos, something I do enjoy doing...it seems almost a form of meditation to me (as strange as this may sound), by forcing you to pay attention to details, to your surroundings...
Thanks for the hugs, I'll send some back at ya...I hope you have better days soon as well.
Rose
I'm glad that you're learning to begin to like yourself, to come to terms with things like your appearance and who you are inside...I am trying to do that myself, but as I was discussing with my therapist today, I am incredibly stubborn, especially when it comes to the standards I set for myself. Often I'm not even willing to consider the options I may have (for example, I refuse to think about putting off med school for another year)...and I'm not sure how to get over this stubbornness...I guess I will try, though. My therapist talks about being "willing" to accept things as they are, willing to consider all the options...I don't think I'm quite there yet!
I know that being with someone doesn't mean you will be happy...and I know I'm not in the right place right now emotionally to start a new relationship. So I guess it's all for the best that I'm single right now...and for the foreseeable future. It's strange, even when I did have a boyfriend, I have such extreme standards for myself that I always felt very guilty about having a relationship, and I even thought it was morally wrong of me to do so...I'm not quite sure where these standards came from, though more than one therapist has tried to help me figure that out!
Thinking about past relationships (well, I've only had one and maybe a half relationships!), I have even today had thoughts of self-harm...I am so completely ashamed and disgusted at myself for having been involved with guys. I know that must sound crazy...I don't know why I feel this way...anyway, I guess I'm going way off topic too...
Thanks so much for your thoughts...they did help me get a better perspective on being willing to accept myself and my life.
Rose
I'm sorry to hear that you feel guilty about past relationships...is it that you feel guilty about things you've done in the relationships or just for being involved in them in general? I'm glad that you've been able to discuss this in therapy, but I'm sorry that you are having thoughts of self harm. That's very concerning. Guilt is terrible! It really drags you down. I made some stupid choices in my early 20's that I felt guilty about for years...it's only been recently (I'm 31 now) that I've been able to forgive myself at any level (truthfully i still haven't completely forgiven myself but it's much better than before).
I can completely relate to what you said in regards to feeling nervous and anxious around people while also not wanting to be by yourself! I have struggled with this for years and although I am able to "put on an act" (for the most part) and be social, etc. I still feel anxious...even with most of my friends and family I feel this way! There's only three people that I really am able to relax around...my mother, my boyfriend and my oldest friend...and even then i still sometimes get that horrible anxiety!
On another topic, my first year out of college was also very difficult. It's a tough adjustment! Anyway, I'm thinking of you and hope that 2004 is a really good year for you! Be good to yourself.
Becky
I'm still not feeling too hot myself, but I want you to know that I'm thikning of you. Don't feel bad for still living in your college town. I know of a lot of kids that I went to college that stayed in, or near the college I went to. It's not that bad. As for the boy situation, we can all agree that they all suck! I know. Boys need extra time, but I can understand your frustration. The only thing I can say is that give it time, and a prince charming will come along. As for me, I'm still waiting. We can wait together!!!
Hope this helped a little, and like I said, I'm not 100% yet either, just wanted to let you know I'm tihkning of you!
Trix
To answer your question about relationships, I think I feel guilty both about things I've done in the relationships and in simply having the relationships at all. I haven't been able to discuss this much in therapy...I did try to discuss it with one therapist a few years ago, but it was too embarrassing for me, and too hard to try to understand...even looking back on those therapy sessions, I feel so guilty even for talking about it! (Especially because it was a male therapist). What a catch-22!
I know that I have really high standards for myself, to the point that they probably seem extreme to other people...that applies to my grades in college, my weight, my value as a person...and my relationships. Even though I was not brought up in a religious household (neither of my parents even practices a religion), I think some of my relationship "issues" are tied up with some of my childhood ideas of God...that it is somehow morally wrong for me to have relationships with guys (beyond simple friendships).
I know that sounds really crazy...and I'm not even sure why I believe it...several therapists have asked me about it, and I had trouble explaining it to them. So I generally keep this issue, and a few others, in the back of my mind and try to avoid discussing them with anyone. Even though I am relieved to hear that you can relate to some of my difficulties now, I know that my ideas about relationships are way "out there"...and I don't expect anyone to be able to relate!
Thank you again...I agree that guilt is a horrible feeling. Recently, my feeling guilty has led to thoughts of self-harm (but no real actions)...but I am torn, because I feel like I can't discuss with my therapist (or anyone else) exactly why I feel guilty. Even saying that I did some things that I'm not quite proud of makes me feel ashamed. And I think it would be hard for most people to understand why I should feel guilty...I have such messed-up ideas about relationships that I feel ashamed even about having kissed a guy...and I'm 23 years old!
Anyway, I really appreciate your response, and your kind words...I hope that this next year is a good one for you, too,
Rose
Thanks again,
Rose
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