In need of a gentle ear (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In need of a gentle ear (long)
1
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 2:58pm
My stomach is in knots. I feel like I have several things I'm upset about, and because of that, it's compounding everything. One upsetting thing bleeds into the other and makes it seem so much worse. I'm feeling very unbalanced, very unsure of myself and I'm questioning things that normally make me feel secure. I'm angry at myself for breaking down this morning in front of my boyfriend. I was in the shower, and by the time I got out, my eyes were so welled with tears and my throat was so tight that I knew I couldn't hold it in -- especially if he were to notice the redness in my eyes and ask "What's wrong?" Sometimes all someone has to do is genuinely ask you if you're okay and the water works just start to flow. You can only say "I'm fine, it's nothing" for so long. I hope it's okay if I just talk this out for a minute...

Okay, as it is for many many people, this is a very difficult time of year for me. Something very significant happened around this time 3 years ago (let's just describe it as 'a loss', for privacy's sake), and while I feel okay about it most of the year, this time of year causes me grief. I don't recognize it as mourning this loss, rather it manifests itself as something I just can't put my finger on but I feel like something is wrong and I just have to grieve. So that's 'depression' point number 1.

Secondly, I've been in a relationship of nearly a year (it will be 1 year in February), and I'm seriously questioning how important I am to this guy. Reason being -- and I'm hoping this doesn't sound childish and overly-insecure or hyper-sensitive -- but he has a group of friends he hangs out with that he's never introduced me to. I've thought about this and have reasoned that hey, maybe he just needs some people to hang out with outside of our social circle -- and outside of me -- and that's completely understandable for sanity's sake. I encourage him having hobbies and friends outside of me and our relationship -- it's only healthy -- but it honestly bothers me that he's never wanted to at least introduce them to me. Also, at a time when office Christmas parties abound, he hasn't asked me to be his date to anything. And finally, he's met my parents once when we went out to dinner this past summer, and my family is very important to me. My boyfriend is also very important to me, and I'd like for these important people in my life to have the opportunity to get to know each other since they are a big part of my life. Other than the one invitation he accepted, he has turned down 3 others in the past six months -- always with varying excuses. I finally confronted him about it this last time, and he says that it makes him uncomfortable to be around them -- and that it's not just MY parents, but ANYONE'S parents would make him feel uneasy. He went on to mention that he knows it's a problem he has, and he can't keep avoiding it -- he says he's aware that he needs to face it and just do it. My parents are actually extremely non-threatening and easy to talk to, and while I can understand his feelings, it also bothers me.

I guess this is what I'm getting at -- my boyfriend seems to be just happy compartmentalizing his life. He has his work friends, he has his 'other' friends, and then he has his girlfriend. He doesn't mix them. He's never asked me along to a work happy hour or to have a drink or two with his 'other' friends. It makes me feel like he's not that serious about me because he doesn't let me see these other facets of his life. It was weighing really heavily on my mind this weekend, and I decided to just talk to him about it. However, while I was trying to explain my thoughts and feelings, the words just weren't there. I would think of what to say in my head, and then I would think to myself how it sounded needy and childish, so I'd skirt my real feelings and just end up saying "oh, I don't know." I told him I felt something was wrong in our relationship and couldn't pinpoint it. I'm wondering if I'm just being silly or insecure for no reason.

This morning as I was getting ready for work at his place, I just completely lost it. I started sobbing in the bathroom, and I couldn't hide it from him. I feel like all this pent up stress and frustration came to a head, and I didn't know how to deal with it or recognize it. When he asked what was wrong, I told him it had to do with 'the loss' I mentioned at the beginning of this message. And while that's part of it, it's not the whole thing, and once again, I couldn't find the words to let him know that I need reassurance in the relationship. I'm in love with this man, and I worry that we're not on the same page. I don't know how to talk to him about all I'm thinking and feeling, but I feel like we need to discuss where we're coming from. I can't imagine putting so much into a relationship and finidng out later that he just wasn't thinking the same thing about ME.

We're seeing each other tonight, and I want to try to talk these thoughts and feeling out with him, but I'm wondering if maybe my depression in general is just making it SEEM like there's something out of sync with our relationship instead of there really being a problem. And I don't want him to think that I have to be with him ALL the time. I just wonder why he hasn't let me in on these other parts of his life. Meanwhile, I've introduced him to most of my friends, invited him to functions outside of just US, and I don't know why he isn't doing the same.

Any thoughts or suggestions for me? I just feel so out of whack, and I don't know what to do about it.

Thanks,

Xavery

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 6:02pm
(((Xavery)))

First off, welcome to the board.

Do you see a therapist? Sometimes talking with someone who isn't emotionally invested in your life can help give you new perspectives.

Now, I am a little biased here because my ex boyfriend did some of the same things and he cheated and ignored me all the time. I can understand how you are at a loss for words when it comes time to talk about things, I am exactly the same way. My ex would never invite me out with him, and I know it's because he had cheated on me and also was into drugs again and he didn't want me to know about them.

I think you need to sit down with your boyfriend and find the right words, even if you have to make notes, and get out your concerns. He has to understand that while you are okay with having seperate friends etc, you feel leary of never meeting his friends and/or getting together with them.

I also think you need to discuss his whole not wanting to get together with your family thing. If your parents are as nice as you say, I think he needs to give them a chance. You have to explain to you that this is very important to you, and you really want him to try a little, or alot!, harder.

I hope I have helped a little.

Take care

Pamela

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