how do you discuss it w/your SO?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
how do you discuss it w/your SO?
7
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 11:36am
how do you discuss your depression (Whatever it may be-I'm using Depression as general term here) with your SO?

I don't know how to discuss it w/mine. It is becoming a big source of stress to me.

I just saw a therapist on Monday who says I have a major depressive disorder and should at least do counseling if not medications.

MY SO doesn't understand.

I want to tell him to go on webmd.com and look it up, they have a lot of good info on there.

I get teary eyed everytime i try to talk to him. I want him to understand that treating this is a good thing and could help prevent future problems.

any advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 3:42pm

Welcome to the board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 5:44pm


Lions,

I was not with someone when I was diagnosed but my relationship ended because it went undiagnosed and it cost me alot and that was about 4 years ago we have a son together and he is married I was just given a diagnosis a few months ago of what it is that I have exactly so when I told him it shed alot of light on things but him having a wife that suffers from depression helps also.

For me I am not ahsamed of myself having thins I am in fact a little too open about it and I think that it makes people uncomfortable especially those who wouldnt think of me as being depressed but I cycle alot and those people dont see me in my bad moods or the manic moods they see me when I am normal and if they do see me when I am manic they think that I am just in a really good mood but thanks to medication I am starting to even out.

I would try one of tracs suggestions all of them are great do it in your own time things will work out.

It is so hard for someone who is not going thru this to understand they may say they understand but they dont especially if they have never known someone with this disease be patient dont forget that this is also hard on your SO.

Welcome to the board and I wish you much luck

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 2:57am
I know that some people will never understand depression. I'm divorced from one of those people, thankfully in my case. I've done therapy, meds and diet adjustments over the years and now I am familar enough to know what to do when I feel it coming on. I am completely natural now and for me it works. I understand my cycles but allow myself a couple of days to hide, cry, withdraw or whatever I need to do then begin work myself out of it. This might not work for everyone though.

I'm currently in the midst of a depression that started with my leaving my job two months ago. I've reached some very critical decisions in my life now because of my finacial status, ones that my new husband and I have yet to really talk about which causes more stress/depression etc. His ex also went through some kind of emotional crisis just after their marriage and so I don't want to cause him any extra concern that "it's him" because it's definitely me. It is kind of weird that we don't talk more about deep issues or important ones that should matter and this is more and more a concern of mine. All other areas of our life are good but this is too much at times. It makes me feel like I carry this burden all alone when he infact is causing part of it now.

I think it's a good idea to explain your particular diagnosis as simply as possible and refer him to information that he can digest for himself then ask him if he has questions. Maybe this will open a dialoque for you. Hopefully he'll be more receptive and supportive than my ex was...he said "I'm glad they can give you something to fix you" that was 9 years ago... and I've never looked back.

Best wishes to you...and both of us really.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 10:50am
last night I asked him to go to a depression website & read about it, since he said he doesn't understand. I don't know if he did, he was on the computer for a while and didn't say anything afterward.

I am confused as well. I mean sometimes I feel fine and think maybe it is just this time of year, or it will pass. is it possible to have depression but just have it get worse at certain times. I think the problem is he thinks when someone has depression they are constantly sad and I am not constantly sad. It is confusing for me too, I wonder if I am just making it worse in my mind by thinking about and going to counseling, like if i just tried to forget about it, it would not seem as bad. does that make sense?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 1:05pm
It can be the season, The Holidays are a difficult time for people until you put it into perspective for you. Don't compare your Holidays to someone elses and certainly don't buy into the holiday hype. Find what joy there is in it by finding what it means to you and celebrate that. I think this is a time for personal reflection on the past year, or years and to make a choice about what you want the next year to bring. Keeping it simple has saved my sanity the last few years. Especially after having spent a couple Christmas's alone and sick in bed.

I think it's really important for you NOT to dismiss your feelings physical or emotional at times like these, they are indicators to the areas that are causing your pain or gloom. You might not like it, it might be confusing but it's a part of you for now. Ups and downs are normal so pay attention the the times when you are down. Maybe write down the trigger or first thoughts you had that brought you down. Keep a journal and look for patterns. Track your periods, cravings, weight loss or gain too and dreams you might have. They should help to find the key areas to confront in your life so that you can get a grip on how to deal with your feelings. Also the places to start working on to overcome them for both you and your SO. It would also be helpful to bring it along to any therapy sessions you have. It is important that your SO be open to what's happening as very real to you even if he cannot see it, touch it or feel it like you do, it's still REAL to you.

Let me ask this, are you actually married to him? I found for me that the uncertainty I had in a long term relationship with a particular man that I was living with was contributing to my mental state. Just knowing that he would not commit to our life as I had commited to it and move forward into marriage just about made our life unbearable (to me) as time went on...mostly in my own head but then again subconsciously I knew something was up. I wanted to be married for the very reason that our relationship ended...he just walked out one day (in an emotional sense) he'd been "looking" for something better while we lived together for 4 years. We had a great stable life but He never fully commited to us. If he'd just been honest up front I would not have spent that time making a life for us and I would have lived emotionally separate too even if we had been in the same house. Does that make sense? He had emotional detachment and I should have too. It was a very difficult breakup for me but I should have known all along. This came after my marriage in a Parent/child emotional relationship with my ex....he was the parent and I was always and still am the child to him.

I'm using that as an example of how things seem okay on the outside, seem normal to us, society but infact we know that it is not what we want and this can be about anything that is our life, not just a person, it can be about our pets, our job etc,. Think about the stress that causes even when it's proven that pets lower our blood pressure, cause us to live longer but the stressful part of it that eats away at us is when we are so burdened by our responsibilty of that pet. Can we really afford to feed ourself and a pet too as an example of the worry/stess. Then again that same pet gives us reason to get out of bed each day to care for something outside ourself.

Even toxic or difficult relationships affect us to the point that we don't want them, but we also don't know how to live without them and that is scary when you thing about it. But it's something we can change...we don't have to associate with those individuals---really.

And what about where you live? That can have it's own bearing on your emotional health. Do you like your living situation, the home you've made of it, the area, the climate? These are all things that deep down give us satisfaction or emotional fuel to burn but they are things we can change if needed to support our over all wellbeing.

What I'm trying to point out is that what lies within us is the ability to "fix" oursleves as we seek out help and therapy, meds, etc,. We have the answers to our own questions so while your SO is learning about depression try to incorporate his help into your self care and don't make it about what you *have* but about what you NEED. No doubt he'll be willing to offer his limited help in ways you aren't aware of because he cares about you even it you don't feel it. Try to take things for what they are and not confuse things with what they could mean. Face value is a good place to start, He read the information so leave it at that. In the future he'll digest what he's learned and hopefully put some ideas into practice for your sake. Meanwhile you can work on one thing at a time, small victories I always say. We are not helpless individuals, there is always something WE CAN DO to make something we don't like, can't take, can't handle...different so it works better for us. DO IT for YOU, and those around you will be the ones you need around you.

I'm sorry this was soooo long, I hope there is some help in it. You are not alone...

-karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 1:27pm

Karen, you had some terrific ideas about journaling!

 

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CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 2:16pm


Hi, "lions44" . I suffer from bipolar disease and I really know how it feels not to be understood by any important person in your life. I've been diagnose with bipolar disease since I was 25 and I'm 33 years old now. At first I tried a lot for my family to understand the condition but it really was frustrating me a lot so I decided that I better had to learn how to deal with them and my condition instead of them understanding the condition.

But I suggest you should give him time to understand this. Provide him information about your condition little by little. Don't be afraid or ashaimed of your condition. Remember that if you don't accept yourself as you are nobody else will. In adition to this even though you shouldn't hurry things. I think is important for this person to try to understand your condition if he really loves you, you should let him know that. This is prettey important since in one or another way the condition will affect your relationship and you both will have to know to deal with it. Hope this could help!!