update time!!!!!!!!! very happy
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 12-18-2003 - 11:09am |
I just wanted to give a quick update.
In therapy last night we discussed my obsessive compulsive side of myself how just a few months ago September I think I was to the point where if my schedule for myself was disrupted a little I would freak out sweat my stomach would go into knots I would get shakey ect...if I had to chose between working out after work or taking a shower before I went out and I could not do both I would freak out and lie to my friends about me being late because I had to keep to my routine...And now I can skip a day of working out and be okay with it it started when my friend Keith passed away I was so sad and depressed and my friends needed me so working out took the back burner for like a week and that helped me realize that it would be okay if I skipped a day that I would not gain 20 pounds for not excersizing.
We also discussed how I need to set boundaries for myself like with my friend sareen how she gets with me my therpist and I both belive that Sareen has borderline personality disorder because she goes from loving you to hating you at the drop of a hat she has a horrible reputation (sleeping around ALOT) she blames that on her childhood but I grew up in her home I was there 24/7 she was in my home 24/7 since we were babies and I remember her mom never letting her leave the house with out an Ilove you and a kiss Sareen hates her parents she told me that she cant wait for her mom to die she is a very strange chick sometimes and she speaks to me so horribly at times and it is sad cause out of all of the people she has met and friends that she has made when the going got touch I was still there I never ran away I am not perfect but but I am not a horrible person eather.
I have also decided to go back to school I sent in my application and plan to start in the summer that way I can study for the entrance exam and try to get a good grade on that.
I have also decided to not build things up in my head mostly with men actually only with men I meet them hang out once or twice and I have the whole relationship built up in my little mind and then when it doesnt happen I get hurt and I am the only one to blame it is my fault for not staying in the moment and just seeing what happens I tend to go crazy with it so I have decided to not do that I think me doing that kinda pushes thses men away they can see it happening and they run.
So I have decided to just live in the moment or at least try really hard to live in it, but it is so hard for me I am so structured in things the whole OCD thing shows in that and it is hard for me to just let go and not have this rigid schedual for myself I have to have exact times and places and if it gets thrown off just a little I freak and panic so I am going to work on that.
I am happy to report that I have not cut myself in just over two weeks my arms are scared up but healed and I plan on keeping it that way, I did however replace the cutting with my diet pills I have to always be doing something wrong to myself I cant seem to let it go I always seem to hurt myself physically or mentally but I hope in the new year I will be able to control that too.
I am also talking with my sister more which is cool she is so awesome I love her to death but cant seem to say those words I have a huge problem with affection I dont know how to show it I am not cold or frigid I love affection when someone starts it I cant be the one to start it kiss hug cuddle whatever I have no problem showing my neice and son all the love in the world but others that is a huge problem that will change though I plan on making that happen.
I am also learning to like what I see in the mirror not all the time but slowly I am getting there I dont look at myself and want to smash the mirror I have days when I look in the mirror and I saw wow Erin your eyes are really green today or your hair looks great or my body is looking better stuff like that and I know I am going to sound like a freak and I am sorry but my boobs have gotten bigger yeah for me they got really small over the past year due to not eating and I dont know if it is the pill or the fact that I eat more than a peice of bread but they got a little bigger.
I still have my days when I get really moody and agrivated by everyone but I am learning to control that and I get my manic states but that is getting under control also and sometimes I get a little withdrawn from my friends and family were I get home from work go straight to my room and dont leave and that goes on for a few days but when I am in my room and I watch a funny show and I laugh I know that I am okay a year ago I would go to work come home go striaght to my room not leave watch a funny show and show no emotion so I figure if i can laugh than I am okay..did that make sense sorry I am a little manic today yesterday too but it isnt bad just a little scattered nothing big.
So anyhow I am very happy at this present moment looking towards the future I still havent met my prince charming but he is out there probably looking for me so i might as well st back and enjoy this ride I have created for myself and see what happens.
thanks ladies for reading and listening.
Erin

((((((((((ERIN)))))))))))
You are doing FANTASTIC work sweetie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
((((((((((Erin))))))))))), that sounds so terrific!
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v254/ladybug987/Signatures/springbutterflybarb.jpg>
CL-ladybug987
I'm happy that you are doing so well. That's wonderful. It's very healing when you can look in the mirror and stop having a strong negative reaction. It will slowly change to a positive reaction if you work on it. It took me a little while. I would consciously tell myself good things about myself when I looked in the mirror.
It must be hard to have a close friend who says such negative things to you. That would be very painful for me. If I'm around people that negative about me, I struggle with it. I know you've know her your whole life, but do you think that friendship is good for you or bad for you? I finally stopped talking to my sister because her tirades would throw me into a depression for a month at a time. She could be helpful and supportive sometimes, but her anger and blame took over our whole relationship. I find that I do better when I have only supportive people in my life. It's hard enough to fight the self-hatred we have programmed into ourselves. When someone close to us keeps heaping it on us, it's really hard to stay centered.
Congratulations on all of the insights you have been making. Way to go!
Take Care,
MariaC
Yay for you!
I am so glad that you have applied for school. What will you be taking, and where? Are you still thinking of moving to be closer to your son?
I am really proud of you for doing all this hard but necessary work.
Take care
Pamela