I'm in a deep dark hole-TRIGS
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| Thu, 12-18-2003 - 5:31pm |
I feel like such a loser. I don't work and feel paralized to get a job because in the past I haven't been able to hold down a job due to my depression and panic attacks at work. I have had to live off the state, which makes me feel like I am scum and a low life. My car is having trouble, transmission, and that is my only sense of independance. I fear losing that. My BF tries to give me as much support as he can but somedays I really wish he was with me and he isn't and can't be due to him having a son to care for and work. I understand his commitments to his son and work.
I haven't been able to even take a shower today and I just feel so tired and I keep crying. I talked to my BF about my car and he has been telling me for a couple of months now he will take care of it but hasn't. Today I told him my problem isn't his problem but if he is going to help me than don't just say he is, but do it. It causes more stress on me thinking he will help and then doesn't. Now he is back to saying he will. He said there is a guy that is out of town for the holidays but will be back in January and he sells cars and he will see if he has a decent used car for me to get and he will make payment arrangements with him. So now I can't help but wonder will he do this or is he just talk. I hate needing someone and not being independent enough and strong enough to take care of myself and my own problems. I am so angry about this disease DEPRESSION that I could scream. It has ruined my life and so many others lives.
I am trying to draw a picture for my mother for x-mas that I have been working on for a month. It is taking me that long because I am depressed and when I go to draw I can't always focus and get this picture right. Now I feel like this depression is taking away my mother's x-mas present that I want to give her....Grrrrr. Today has just been so bad. It has been creaping up for a week now but I have been trying to overcome my feelings but my sleep has been broken up and I am having bad dreams when I do sleep. I go to my DR. tomorrow and I am hoping nothing goes wrong with that appointment, like they call and cancel it. I am going to talk to him about how bad I am getting.
Thanks for reading!!!
Tina~

Thanks for posting, (((((Tina)))))).
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CL-ladybug987
Merry Christmas!!! Just wanted to know if your Doctor has tried Lexapro for you yet? It's been out about a year,not alot of information out there about it yet. But it has helped me and I've been on since Oct.22,03. (that's after my suicide attempt). I'm told I have major depression. At this point --on a scale from 1% to 100% I'm at a 33% after 2 months. My dose was increased from 10mg's to 20mg's after a month. If you haven't tried it,maybe you can mention it to your doctor.
I wish there was something I could do to take your stress away--and that dark hole you mentioned. But I want you to know that I know how you feel. I've never wrote anything online for other people to read but I think your life on this planet "does mean something" and we need to get you healthy and happy! As for your BF--he needs a kick in the ass,does he really know what's going on in you head and that what your feeling is real?
I hope your doctor didn't cancel on you and you made it to your appt. Hang in there. I'm here for you. If you want to talk here's my e-mail-kloee64@msn.com.
Take care. Robin
Robin, I am on lexapro 10mg/day, but I am going to see if he will increase it to 20mg/day. I also take Wellbutrin 300mg/day. This obsessing about all that is bad in my life just continually runs through my mind all day. I am grateful for what I do have but not being secure financially, food being low, having difficulty paying bills, car getting ready to break down, etc... It just has me very down and feeling helpless and hopeless. Not being able to work from this anxiety and depression makes me feel worthless, so I just don't know what to do to get out of this situation. Your right my BF does need a good kick in the butt. I have said to him all I can at this time. I am working with a new therapist and I just want to get healthier and if that means one day me and my BF aren't together than it will be that way but I realize I can't make him be more supportive if he can't or won't. I wish he could. Him not being there for me the way I need him to does contribute to my depression. If I keep begging for him to do more and he doesn't than it just makes me more angry and depressed.
I am glad to hear Robin that the lexapro is helping you so much and I hope that it continues to help because I know what it is like to be that depressed to try to commit suicide, I have tried too. I don't want to get back to that place, so hopefully today my doc will increase/add or do something to help lift this depression. Take care of yourself and keep up the good work. Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me when you don't normally reply or post on here.
Tina~