I Want To Update! A Little Long! :) :)

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Registered: 05-12-2003
I Want To Update! A Little Long! :) :)
Sun, 12-21-2003 - 3:09pm
I am having a hard time as I notice a lot of us are. I just got an email from my cousin Julie (she is my grandmother's niece)and told her that plans changed and we are doing Christmas Eve at mom's like we planned but nothing on Christmas because of family scheduling conflicts. I asked her what she was doing and she asked me in the email if I was going to be at mom's for Christmas Day. I wasn't going to as Irv and I got a Christmas dinner from our food pantry and we were going to have that. Julie is not sure what she is doing but she knows that she doesn't want to be alone. She wants to be around people. I have already talked to my mom three times today. Well twice really once just calling and saying hi like I do the other to ask about returning her car which we will be driving home on Christmas Eve and the third call I asked to talk to Lexxy because today is her 5th birthday. I feel like calling Gram and tell her what Julie said in her email and ask if she can call her up and invite her over but I know if I call again mom is going to be mad at me and tell me enough is enough and what is wrong with me and it is just so aggravating. I did do one good thing today and that is when Irv and I left Osco we found this small dog running the streets and I was able to capture him and I brought him to our local police station and they are going to try and find his owner. I am going to go home and finish cleaning my kitchen floor and change the table cloth and get the table put back so that Irv can move his puzzle from on top of mine onto the table so I can start working on my puzzle again. I also bought myself a coloring book today. I saw Dr. Weiss and Kara on Friday and he increased my Risperdal so now I am taking 1.5 mg a day. One in the moring and two at night. I know that this holiday is hard for me because of our financial constraints and he asked me if I was thinking of going back to work next year but I told him I am on SSDI and they review my case in 3 years which will be in 2005 and I am planning on not working at all next year because I want to make sure I am stable first. He agreed and that is where I am at right now. The other thing is that I have so many issues to work on and I told Kara the other day that I will be with her for a long time and that we got alot of work ahead of us and she said that I don't work on myself even though that I know what I need to or want to work on and that when I go to her my sessions are spent talking about other people. I.E. Irv, my mom, my family. I am not seeing her this week because of holidays and her being booked and only being able to see me Tuesday night which isn't good for me and so I am on my own this week but I will call her Tuesday and check in with her. I have realized that even though I have issues and needs that I want to and need to work on it is easier for me to talk about everyone else and how I relate in that mix then dealing strictly on my own with my issues because I am scared of my issues and most of all my feelings behind the issues. Does any of this make sense or am I just rambling? I feel like I have so much to say and not enough time to say it in. I will check in again in a couple days. I haven't self -harmed or tried to commit suicide but the thoughts came again and that is why Weiss increased my dose. He might have to increase it again but he did tell me I know how to get a hold of him if I need to and so that is a good thing. We didn't even put a tree up this year. We both don't feel like it and I have a feeling that Irv is depressed but he denies it to me. Also I am suppose to go for a driver's license renewal. I have until my birthday on February 12 but I am so worried about it that I just want to get it done and over with. I am having more trouble with my short term memory now with the Risperdal. Maybe I will go tomorrow. I will see. Well, I have written you ladies a novel which I didn't mean to do so I will close. Talk to you all soon and I know it is hard to with depression but try to have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Love and Hugs to all you ladies and you are all in my thoughts and prayers this holiday season. Andrea