The Grinch's midnight ramblings...
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| Sun, 12-21-2003 - 11:34pm |
But I also haven't written anything lately (I had been trying my hand at poetry for the last month or so)...I think the TV has been successful in quashing ALL of my thoughts! I am leaving for my parents' tomorrow, and suddenly I realize that I feel pretty depressed. As much as I do normally like to travel or be on the move, I guess it's possible that I have adapted somewhat to my apartment as "home" and don't want to be shuffled around right now (this whole fall, I have been back and forth between this apartment and my parents' house, and I guess I wish for somewhere to call "home.").
My bizarre sleep schedule doesn't help things, either...my parents are definitely "morning people"--my mom wakes up at 6:30 A.M. every day-- and they also wake me up, though at a more reasonable hour, like 9:00. And they seem to see sleeping in later than that as lazy, wasteful...which is probably is.
But I have always been a night owl...and now, without a job, I have gone back to my "normal" schedule of going to bed at 2:30 A.M. and waking up about 11 A.M. It's a challenge even getting to bed that early...I have to take a Klonopin and my other "nighttime" meds even to feel sleepy by then. But during the day, it's another story...today, I slept for 9 hours, until 11:30 A.M., and then took a nap two hours later!
I guess this sleepiness could be the depression, or the fatigue from my fibromyalgia, or maybe even side effects from my meds...but I am not looking forward to a week or more of trying to adapt to my parents' (and the rest of the world's) schedule...guess I should find a career where I can work the night shift! (Not likely, though, in my fields). I've already been trying for weeks to get to bed earlier, with no luck...I've even taken my nighttime meds at 11 P.M. and still remained awake until 3 A.M. or later!
Anyway, I know this is not much to complain about. My physical pain has been somewhat greater than usual lately...but still definitely bearable...and I haven't had a migraine for a while. I guess I just can't conjure up the Christmas spirit...especially watching my bank account drop lower and lower after I buy presents (I'm such a horrible person to feel this way, I know, but I am saving every penny, even scrimping on food, right now)...and still no offers from the temp agency. I do want to work...I'm planning to go out and apply for a few more jobs tomorrow.
Ever since my parents and I met with my therapists all together, I have felt very distanced from my parents...I felt that they were over-involved in my life and that I just wanted to be left alone. I have already put off going home for so long (my roommates left a week ago) that my parents seem a bit offended that I would rather stay by myself in my apartment instead of at home with them.
They think I have an eating disorder and watch every bite I put in my mouth...makes me literally feel sick to my stomach...but I have gained so much weight lately that I am disgusted by myself. And I feel like I can "mind-read" and tell that my mom will look at me and be glad, think I look "healthier" (i.e. fatter)...hardly any of my jeans fit anymore.
I'm trying to think positively...so many people have told me I just need to change my attitude and be grateful for what I do have, and many of my problems would disappear. I don't doubt that...OK, maybe I do a little bit...but it is very difficult for me to change my attitude when it has been a part of me my entire adult life. In the end, I still see much more sorrow than joy in the world. I'm sure that is due in part to my depression-clouded lenses...especially since, at times like now, I feel this sadness welling up inside me when I can't find many good reasons for it.
Thanks for listening...I hope you all have happier holidays,
Rose

I know what it is like to just want to stay home. I'm going to my mom's for Christmas, and though it is only a half hour away, I dread not sleeping in my own bed or getting to do whatever I want..
I hope your holidays turn out better than you expect..
*hugs*
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I had a thought on your night owl tendencies.
Rose
Thanks again...and I'm heading home for the holidays, so it may be a little while before I am back on the board (but I will still read any reply you write to me!),
Rose
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Mostly shifting it later and later can be done as fast or as slow as you are willing to put up with.