SLOWING SINKING BACK IN THE QUICKSAND I
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SLOWING SINKING BACK IN THE QUICKSAND I
| Tue, 12-23-2003 - 12:21pm |
need a lifeline and fast!!!I feel like I am sinking fast and I have nothing to reach onto. No tree branch near by. I look like a complete idiot but I don't care as I sit here in the library typing this I am crying.Everything is crashing it seems. I am suppose to take 250 mg of Zoloft along with 1 mg of Risperdal every night and also take .5 mg of Risperdal every morning. Well, yesterday I forgot to take the Risperdal in the morning so at bedtime I took 3 tablets instead of 2. Now this morning I haven't had my morning dose and as I got to the library I remembered that I forgot to take it. Ok, so part of the way I am feeling probably has to do with the medication not regular but there are also so many other things that I don't even know how to begin.I am not lookinf forward to Christmas Eve and I feel that is really sad considering that Christmas was always my favorite holiday but now it is like things have changed and they can never go back the way they were. I don't even know how to say what I want to say right now because all my thoughts are jumbled. Maybe I will just go home and take my meds before it gets to late to take them and then I double again. I will try and write again when my thoughts aren't so jumbled and what I am trying to say can make sense to you. I am trying hard not to listen to the voice in my head that is telling me to harm and kill myself. Love and Hugs Andrea

I am sorry to hear that things aren't going good for you right now. Please remember that when you take your meds regularily you will start to feel better!
Please take care
Pamela
Andrea, most likely some of what you are thinking and feeling right now is because you got off schedule on your medication.
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CL-ladybug987
I go through times when I start to feel crazy because I have forgotten to get my Paxil prescription filled. My trick is that I don't take the feelings seriously. I just remind myself that they come from not taking my medication. I know the specific way I feel when I miss Paxil. So I chock it up to that. I don't buy into the feeling. Do you know what I mean? I feel badly, but I keep in mind that it's just a medication withdrawal.
As for Christmas, I think that the holidays in general are a big setup for disappointment. Christmas used to be magical when I was a kid. But as I got older I invariably ended up crying on Christmas afternoon. I never lived up to what I expected. My family just fought and insulted me. I always ended up feeling so unimportant and worthless on Christmas.
Now I feel like Christmas is getting out of control. This year is really tight. I mean, REALLY tight. I haven't even bought my dh a present yet. I don't know how I am going to pay for it. And Christmas eve is tomorrow. I've managed to get most people in my life some presents. But I still haven't gotten a few. There's not money for it. I don't even have the cash right now to buy groceries. I'm hoping for a miracle tomorrow!
But I just keep in mind that Christmas is like that. It's full of hype and this manufactured "magic" that involves spending a lot of money. I don't think I could ever feel that Christmas magic again. But I'm not too worried about it. As long as I get to spend the day with my dh. I'm going to not pressure myself to feel something that I can't. We can't compare our life now to the past. It's great that you experienced Christmas as magical. Did you know that child abuse skyrockets around the holidays? People are so stressed out that they start beating their children. It's awful.
My point is not to depress you further. My point is that you don't need to pressure yourself about Christmas. Remember that keeping yourself from spiraling downward is about controlling your thoughts. If you indulge in thinking about how you don't enjoy Christmas so much, then you depress yourself. All we have is this moment. I learned from my therapist that when I dwell on negative things or how something isn't the same as it used to be, then I start to get depressed again. It doesn't take long to go all the way down that spiral into the hole where everything looks bad. The big trick for me to avoid so many trips down the hole is to stop myself from ruminating about negative things. I just stop myself. It has changed my life this year. It is Cognitive Behavior Therapy in action.
Hold on, Andrea. Watch what you think about. And, most of all, remind yourself of all that you have to be thankful for. You have a husband who adores you and supports you like few men ever do. That is a rare gift. And you have relatives who help out. That's a big gift. My best friend's relatives barely even speak to her. Her mother won't talk to her at all! And you have made big progress with your medication. Your therapist is really good and supportive. You have a supportive network here. So when you start to think about negative things, remind yourself of all that you have. There is a lot to be thankful for.
Take Care,
MariaC