I know that everyone here appreciates all that you do for others. You are an angel to every one of us. I'm sorry that your family seems to take you for granted. Have you talked about this with your son and daughter? The best way to get what you want is to let people know your needs. My mom has a hard time saying I love you and expressing appreciation to me. It has always left me feeling unloved. I've really made an effort to let her know that I need her to say I love you and to give me positive reinforcement. Sometimes it's like pulling teeth. But she has gotten much better about it over the last three years. There was one time a few years ago when I was in an emotional crisis. Everything she said just made me feel worse. So I finally told her to hold me and say I love you. She pulled the old, "Of course I love you." I said, "No, just say 'I love you.'" So she did it. Then I told her to say it over and over while she hugged me. I was in pain and really needed her. She did it! It was great! She always tells me that I want to write her lines for her. Not always, but I do let her know what I need to hear. It has helped a lot. She always says that people hear "I love you" in different ways. So I told her that this is the way I hear it.
Often mothers like you have always sacrificed so much that their children don't even know what they have given up. The best thing is to let them know in a gentle way that you need reinforcement, especially because you don't have a mate. That's something that anyone could understand.
I hope you are having a relaxing holiday. I love you, Trac!
It's funny...this very topic was on my mind this Christmas! I am so glad you brought it up. I can relate to everything...except the child part part (because I don't have a child) but the gift giving, everything else I can relate to.
I am 37 years old and just ended a two year relationship. I went to my family gathering last night...and I, too, had to be very strong and wear a "mask". Everyone has their strong, intact, solid families and I have nothing like that. And it made me sad. Also, I am the youngest in the family, by far, so I don't share the same bonding as the older girls do...which adds to me sense of being an "outsider".
About the gift giving. What you are experiencing is so universal. The single person often buys the "whole family" gifts while the whole family gives one gift to the single. They don't mean any harm and I understand why they do it...it's just that the single person often ends up short. Next year, I'll be "buying for the family" instead of each kid and the parents. One sister, didn't even think of me at all even when I bought her a gift. That didn't feel very good either.
I totally relate to the drawing the names issue. To my sisters, who already have their own families...the bigger family event doesn't mean as much because they get two Christmas celebrations. For me, this IS my family event...and if we drew names I would get one or two gifts. So I totally understand...sometimes they are so involved in their own families that they don't understand the ramifications for singles.
I hope that it won't be this way every year. I hope to have a someone special, someone I want to be with a marry...someone solid to share the holiday with. Until then we just have to be strong and perhaps treat ourselves to our own holiday gifts. And there is nothing wrong with wanting something special from your children. Perhaps they need some guidance here? Maybe they need just a hint.
Take care Tracy...and know youa re not a lone in this
Consider how this experience could be making you a better person. Not that you are not already sensitive and wonderful you are! But I know I learned something more about being single now and how I fit into things family wise. It's made me more sensitive to others out there.
When I was younger I was always in the center of the celebration and now I am not. When I was a kid or younger I had no idea how my elder Aunt may have felt and now I know! I have grown and and more sensitive and caring because of it.
I have a friend who, while I was single, was not overly welcome with me joining their group because I would be a "5th wheel". I was appalled and ever since then I vowed I would NEVER make a single person EVER feel left out because I was part of a couple. Not that I did before but now I am more sensitive and more loving about the whole thing. So I have become a better person because I know what it is like.
Someday maybe the roles will be switched...you are in a relationship and one of your relatives is single...and maybe they will learn their lesson, too!
I can also relate well to your feelings about this. I am very lucky that now I have a wonderful boyfriend, and my kids treat me well at christmas and I am so proud of them! , But for a lot of years I was a single mom, struggling, and it would be so depressing around the holidays not having anyone special, and my sisters would be with their husbands showing off what they got for them, and I was always the odd one out, just me and my kids, and not just at christmas at all family events. Over the years I think it got a little easier and stopped bothering me as much as my kids got a little older, maybe because they became more like friends to me and I didn't have to "play Santa" by myself anymore! You are a great person, you shoudl treat yourself to something special if you did not already by yourself an xmas gift. That is another thing I always did when the kids were younger, I would always treat myself to something. Also when my mom was still here she was great about making sure I felt special and had gifts, took the kids out to get me things, etc. I hope you find someone special to spend wonderful holidays with in the future, I hope your kids show you more appreciation also!! You are a strong, caring wonderful person don't ever forget that!
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{TRAC}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Sweetie, you are NOT selfish for feeling the way you do!
(((((((((((((((((Trac)))))))))))))))))))))))
*hugs
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Trac))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))),
Hon, you are so special to us here on the board!
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v254/ladybug987/Signatures/springbutterflybarb.jpg>
CL-ladybug987
I know that everyone here appreciates all that you do for others. You are an angel to every one of us. I'm sorry that your family seems to take you for granted. Have you talked about this with your son and daughter? The best way to get what you want is to let people know your needs. My mom has a hard time saying I love you and expressing appreciation to me. It has always left me feeling unloved. I've really made an effort to let her know that I need her to say I love you and to give me positive reinforcement. Sometimes it's like pulling teeth. But she has gotten much better about it over the last three years. There was one time a few years ago when I was in an emotional crisis. Everything she said just made me feel worse. So I finally told her to hold me and say I love you. She pulled the old, "Of course I love you." I said, "No, just say 'I love you.'" So she did it. Then I told her to say it over and over while she hugged me. I was in pain and really needed her. She did it! It was great! She always tells me that I want to write her lines for her. Not always, but I do let her know what I need to hear. It has helped a lot. She always says that people hear "I love you" in different ways. So I told her that this is the way I hear it.
Often mothers like you have always sacrificed so much that their children don't even know what they have given up. The best thing is to let them know in a gentle way that you need reinforcement, especially because you don't have a mate. That's something that anyone could understand.
I hope you are having a relaxing holiday. I love you, Trac!
MariaC
(((((((((((((Trac)))))))))))))))
I've said it before, and I'll say it again, hon-you are so special!!!
Blessed Be!
Laure- co-cl on Migraines & Headaches
It's funny...this very topic was on my mind this Christmas! I am so glad you brought it up. I can relate to everything...except the child part part (because I don't have a child) but the gift giving, everything else I can relate to.
I am 37 years old and just ended a two year relationship. I went to my family gathering last night...and I, too, had to be very strong and wear a "mask". Everyone has their strong, intact, solid families and I have nothing like that. And it made me sad. Also, I am the youngest in the family, by far, so I don't share the same bonding as the older girls do...which adds to me sense of being an "outsider".
About the gift giving. What you are experiencing is so universal. The single person often buys the "whole family" gifts while the whole family gives one gift to the single. They don't mean any harm and I understand why they do it...it's just that the single person often ends up short. Next year, I'll be "buying for the family" instead of each kid and the parents. One sister, didn't even think of me at all even when I bought her a gift. That didn't feel very good either.
I totally relate to the drawing the names issue. To my sisters, who already have their own families...the bigger family event doesn't mean as much because they get two Christmas celebrations. For me, this IS my family event...and if we drew names I would get one or two gifts. So I totally understand...sometimes they are so involved in their own families that they don't understand the ramifications for singles.
I hope that it won't be this way every year. I hope to have a someone special, someone I want to be with a marry...someone solid to share the holiday with. Until then we just have to be strong and perhaps treat ourselves to our own holiday gifts. And there is nothing wrong with wanting something special from your children. Perhaps they need some guidance here? Maybe they need just a hint.
Take care Tracy...and know youa re not a lone in this
Kristina
Consider how this experience could be making you a better person. Not that you are not already sensitive and wonderful you are! But I know I learned something more about being single now and how I fit into things family wise. It's made me more sensitive to others out there.
When I was younger I was always in the center of the celebration and now I am not. When I was a kid or younger I had no idea how my elder Aunt may have felt and now I know! I have grown and and more sensitive and caring because of it.
I have a friend who, while I was single, was not overly welcome with me joining their group because I would be a "5th wheel". I was appalled and ever since then I vowed I would NEVER make a single person EVER feel left out because I was part of a couple. Not that I did before but now I am more sensitive and more loving about the whole thing. So I have become a better person because I know what it is like.
Someday maybe the roles will be switched...you are in a relationship and one of your relatives is single...and maybe they will learn their lesson, too!
Kristina
Edited 12/26/2003 1:07:24 PM ET by lv2breathe
I can also relate well to your feelings about this. I am very lucky that now I have a wonderful boyfriend, and my kids treat me well at christmas and I am so proud of them! , But for a lot of years I was a single mom, struggling, and it would be so depressing around the holidays not having anyone special, and my sisters would be with their husbands showing off what they got for them, and I was always the odd one out, just me and my kids, and not just at christmas at all family events. Over the years I think it got a little easier and stopped bothering me as much as my kids got a little older, maybe because they became more like friends to me and I didn't have to "play Santa" by myself anymore! You are a great person, you shoudl treat yourself to something special if you did not already by yourself an xmas gift. That is another thing I always did when the kids were younger, I would always treat myself to something. Also when my mom was still here she was great about making sure I felt special and had gifts, took the kids out to get me things, etc. I hope you find someone special to spend wonderful holidays with in the future, I hope your kids show you more appreciation also!! You are a strong, caring wonderful person don't ever forget that!