Family....do they have to be for keeps?
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Family....do they have to be for keeps?
| Fri, 12-26-2003 - 6:53pm |
my sister almost drove me up the wall yesterday, she loves to stir up trouble of any kind among the family, all women . and yesterday she flies into town on her broomstick and starts with me and proceeds to my sisters house, grumbling & griping to everyone there,she is rude and crude and the sad thing is she is always this way, I mean we are always leary of her, always up to something and she is very mean, by the time she left town I was so bummed and stressed out I wanted to cry and i mean an incredible urge to do so, and I swear my heart was hammering away. she kept trying to pick a fight and we ignored her , she was drinking and if anyone says anything she makes it very bad. So I don't know what to do to stay away from her, I am really trying to get myself together here and i think that angers her more because i used to be her partying buddy when she would come over and does not want to let go of me i have tried to explain that i can't, because i take meds to help the depression and that alcohol was part of the problem along with cigs, I just don't know if i should make the decision right now to keep her out of my life for good or what. She is verry off the wall and capable of anything even with family believe me i've been on her black list before and she has come close twice to just pounding the you know what out of me, so I never know when the next time will come and I don't like having to watch myself around her. so, she is gone for now, but i am worried because she will be back and i really don't want to have a sister relationship with her.the thing is she behaves like nothing happened sometimes, and other times she carries it to the next awful level of making things worse,some of my other sisters agree with me but do not really cut her out of their lives completely.she is a very angry person and likes to meddle in everyones life and most of the time is up to no good . I still feel awful it was so very stressful to be around her. so i will try to gather my spirit pieces and try and sort this out, any advice welcome.

OK I have rambled long enough, that is my family story, oh yes I should also add that I have suffered from depression since my daughter was a baby, and this sister never once tried to help me, said I should "get over it and have a beer". I am glad she is out of my life, she was toxic to me, and sad though it may be, my life is better without her, at least right now. Oh, and we only live about a half-mile from each other in the same town, so we have seen one another in Wal-Mart, and I just walk away.
Good luck with your situation. Best of luck!
Well Unfortunately Families have to be for keeps but you dont have to let them run your life. YOUR LIFE
*hugs
But I have not once missed her. It has been such a relief not to have her toxicity in my life anymore. What's weird is that growing up she was the most important figure in my life. She was the only one who showed me any love (she is 7 years older than me). I didn't realize that her shaming behavior was also hurting my self-esteem. When I stopped being her handmaiden who followed her around waiting on her and doing everything she said to do, she turned the abuse up.
Now I can see how oppressed I always felt around her. I didn't know any better because she was the best friend I'd ever had. That tells you about the quality of the other people in my life.
I think that you will know if and when you should cut her out of your life. My answer to your question is thR No, family doesn't have to be for life. If someone is hurting you and won't stop, you have the right to take care of yourself. When you are healing, you are like a flower that is just starting to sprout. You need protection and gentle care. Toxic, destructive people can cause you great damage as you heal.
I admire the major steps you have taken to heal and nurture yourself. It isn't easy to give up cigarettes and alcohol when they have been a way of life for you.
I think that changing your companions is a big part of growth. I've cut off my relationship with my sister and some other negative people. I've distanced myself from two of my brothers. I speak to them maybe once every year or so. And I've forced my mom to change how she talks to me. Our relationship is leagues better than it used to be.
I've never once missed my sister since I stopped speaking to her. Once I tried to mend our relationship because I thought it was the right thing to do. But she was her same blaming, controlling, nasty self. So I cut her out again. My life is so much better this way.
I don't do Christmas with my extended family anymore. I celebrate with my mom, stepdad, stepsister and brother two weeks before Christmas. They live an hour's plane ride away from me, so I have a good excuse to celebrate early. I say I don't like to travel during the hectic holiday season. Then I just have a quiet, peaceful Christmas with my husband. I've done that for 7 years. One year when I was 22 I even spent Christmas alone rather than driving the hour home to my parents' house. My family was flabbergasted! But I loved it! It was better than being in a negative, bickering house on Christmas. I watched my favorite movies, made my favorite dinner, and went for a long run along the San Francisco Bay. It was awesome!
You can make your life look like anything you want. You can have the holidays any way you want to. Just because someone is related to you doesn't mean you have to put up with cruelty and violence. I encourage you to take care of yourself in whatever way feels right to you. If your other sisters don't agree with you, that's OK. They don't have to live in your body and deal with your feelings. They don't know what's right for you. If they want to spend Christmas or other times with the sister who is so hurtful, you can find things to do that you will enjoy more. I've been doing it for years. I've missed some family reunions. But I've never felt that I missed out on anything great because my sister makes everything miserable. I'd rather be alone than at a big party with her there.
You are on the right track. Take care of yourself first and foremost. That's the path to emotional health and happiness.
All My Best,
MariaC
As others have written, there can be members of our family of origin/birth family
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CL-ladybug987
We all do have "those" in our families that we'd rather not be around.
I used to think I had a pretty cool family - me, the youngest & 2 older brothers & only a mother to raise us. It was cool - til we all grew up.
Now that we're grown, both of my brothers (and partially mother) were dependant upong me - financially - mind you, I make less than anyone in the family (of the 3 together, I probably make a fifth of what they all earn combined!).
I got sick of the mooching. I had to face them up front and say "hey, no way, no more!"
One of my brothers got so mad at me that he's not talking to me anymore. That's not my problem. He was more 'toxic' (since that's been defined/used already) to me than my wiring him money was toxic to him (however that could be "toxic" *laugh*).
If you simply say to the person - mom, dad, sister, brother, whomever - that they're not a proactive part in your life and you need to spend time away from them in order to get your life on track, so be it.
Do it your way, in your words, & however/whenever you're comfortable.
And, such as in my case, where my brother won't speak to me, let it be their loss. I attempted reconciliation & got no response. I did my part - I feel satisfied at my efforts. If it's not responded to - then one less thing to worry about!
:-)
Sue.