New Here---Very Depressed
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New Here---Very Depressed
| Sun, 12-28-2003 - 1:05am |
I'm 31 years old & have suffered from depression since I was about 24. It has gotten much worse over the years to the point where I've thought of methods on how to commit suicide. Then I think of my beautiful children & all that I would miss with them if I weren't alive anymore. They keep me going even though I feel like I'm worthless. I don't have any self esteem & constantly call myself ugly & a failure. I'm not ugly, people keep telling me. What's more is that I had a best friend since 4th grade, the only real friend I've ever had & she was murdered 11/26/02. Her sudden death only added to my depression. I've tried talking to my mom but she disregards my feelings as I'm just having a bad day. It takes a lot to get me to smile & nothing to make me cry. My husband & I argue a lot because he gets mean with me sometimes, not physically but verbally. He doesn't understand my depression. I can't afford counselling, nor do I have the time. I have a hard time doing basic things because everything seems so time consuming & hard to me.
My husband was mad at me XMas Eve because I had to be admitted into the hospital for pneumonia & he didn't want to take care of our baby by himself! I'm still very sick & can't get any sleep because I cough all the time but he won't let me nap unless our baby naps with me. He has also started yelling at our baby, which really upsets me because she is only 4 months old! I love him but he has grown very selfish lately.
My husband was mad at me XMas Eve because I had to be admitted into the hospital for pneumonia & he didn't want to take care of our baby by himself! I'm still very sick & can't get any sleep because I cough all the time but he won't let me nap unless our baby naps with me. He has also started yelling at our baby, which really upsets me because she is only 4 months old! I love him but he has grown very selfish lately.
Michelle
Mommy of: Krista Michelle DOB:3/8/2000 AND
Sierra Joy DOB:8/23/2003 ON HER DUE DATE!!!

Welcome to the board..
Hon..please hang in there..
I didn't see if you mentioned whether you were on meds or not...it seems like it might be worth *making* time for therapy..You've got two little girls who need you..
Keep us updated..
I have been there, believe me. I am also relatively new here. But I can speak from
experience and can tell you that four years ago I had a complete breakdown. I was working in a stressful job in the medical field for 18 years and it became too much for me. I had a husband who was drinking more and more. I didn't want to go to work. When I was at work, I didn't want to go home. Finally, I figured my daughter would be better off without me ( which in hindsight is not true, but when you are depressed, that is what you believe,)Anyway, one Sunday afternoon, I took alot of pills and some booze and checked into a hotel for three days and tried to end my life. Apparently, so I am told, I almost succeeded (by minutes)I spent two weeks in the hospital. My husband thought I was just staying at a friends place or something and thought I was just trying to get attention. I had always suffered depression and he couldn't handle it and was of no help to me. Anyway, I survived it!!!!! Please don't do it. Get some counselling which I am still doing and I am on medication (actually, I was on Effexor then ). I have since left my husband, got a divorce, quit work altogether. My daughter and I live together and she has full access to her dad anytime she wants.
My point here is that you may think no one cares, but the first thing I learned after surviving such an attempt you have no idea just how many lives you have touched and I was shocked at all the people who were so upset over what I did and here I thought it was no big deal that I didn't matter. That couldn't be further from the truth.
You have not one, but two daughters who need you and believe me when I say that they do.
I would not say I am truly happy now, but I am in a much happier place now then I have ever been. I have never lived alone, managed finances or did anything on my own, but believe me the satisfaction is worth it.
Please feel free to email me or at least write here and we can chat some more. I don't know how to give you my email address without everyone getting it (for privacy reasons)
I am new to this also.
Please write again, talk to me anytime, it is important that you receive counselling, in whatever form works for you.
Remember one day at a time and you will become stronger over time.
Love, anne
Welcome to our board, Michelle.
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CL-ladybug987
((((((((((Anne))))))))))), thanks so much for sharing your experience.
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CL-ladybug987
I think Anne made some great points. My friend Ashley died from suicide and it hurts so much to think about how many people said that they would have loved to have been there for him. More people care about you than you know sweetie.
I don't want to step on any toes, but you need to stand up for yourself with your hubbie. I have had the experience that people who haven't been through depression DO NOT UNDERSTAND people with depression. But he sounds verbally abusive and with already low self esteem, that can't be good for you.
Please take care.
Pamela