News from here (poss. trigs)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
News from here (poss. trigs)
9
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 3:04am
Hi, I'm back at my apartment for at least a few days (to check my mail, get a break from my parents and sister!). Hanging in there pretty well, though I'm managing mainly by trying to ignore or block all the negative feelings and thoughts that generally are a constant presence in my head. Being alone again today, though, brought me back to thoughts of self-harm, although I don't have any plan...but I wasn't much happier at home, felt claustrophobic after a while!

I did get some good news over the holiday...I have three med school interviews scheduled for January, and two of them are at the top medical schools in the U.S. (so I've been told). I find it really bizarre that I am even getting interviews there...and I feel completely inadequate and unprepared, and almost like a hypocrite for hiding all my emotional and physical problems from the admissions people (though of course no good would come from telling them!).

So I guess I'm just worried about all these upcoming interviews...it's going to be a crazy month...and I'm not sure how I'll justify to the admissions committees why I want to be a doctor when I'm not sure of that myself...I can't help but think that I won't get accepted anywhere...I feel like everyone can see through my fake happy-face to my inner depression and anxiety and hopelessness.

Besides, I'm not even sure at all that I CAN do med school...I read online that the tour at one school takes an hour and a half, and my first thought was that I will be physically exhausted after that...plus all the (expensive) plane flights, and the stress...and this is all just for the interviews...I know med school is a million times more stressful...I'm not sure how I would hold up physically or psychologically...but I guess you can never know until you try.

Wow, now I've written a short novel...sorry. I do hope you all had a good holiday... mine was all right, went to see relatives as usual...my twin sister is at home with my parents now, and I'm here alone in my apartment (by my own choice, of course)...and I had been trying to get to bed earlier, but it's already 3 A.M....oh no! And I've been eating sugar all day when I need to start working on a healthier diet (my mom is going to pay for me to see a nutritionist...she thinks I have an eating disorder).

So that's the news from here...I apologize for my lack of Christmas spirit...I never really get into the mood of the season, especially when I'm depressed already.

Thanks for listening,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 12:41pm
Rose,

You said that you would be physically exhausted after an hour and a half tour of a medical school. Are you still plagued by exhaustion? You said that you don't have pain anymore. Is the fatigue still pretty consuming?

If you are being considered for these medical schools, I'll bet you could easily get into other graduate school programs. Have you considered getting a PhD in an area that interests you? You could become a professor. PhD programs are rigorous, but much less so than medical school. I'm just asking because my brother is a doctor. He worked so hard in med school, than barely got sleep in his residency. He's been a doctor now for about ten years. He still works his butt off. But he's a general practioner. A lot of specialists don't have to work that hard. It's tough to do the extra work to specialize, but once you do it, you can charge a lot for far fewer hours of work.

Doing anything when you are depressed is very hard. It seems like some of your depression comes from feeling like you aren't doing anything with your life. You seem like you have very high standards for yourself and are extremely self-critical. Perfectionism is very common among people with depression. It's holding yourself to an impossible standard that fuels the negative thoughts inside you.

Do you have the book The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns, MD? It's very good. It really gets into how our beliefs and thoughts keep pulling us into depression. And it shows us how to change those patterns.

What I finally came to after dealing with depression on and off for my whole life is that I can only keep myself out of depression by taking control of my thoughts. I have to challenge my hard core beliefs about who I'm supposed to be. I have to be understanding of myself. I have to give myself credit for everything I do. And I have to be very self-aware. I only keep myself from falling into that pit or get myself out of the pit by controlling my own thoughts. Nothing else has worked for me. Antidepressants helped some. But I'm the only one who can control my thoughts. I have to stop myself every time I start to ruminate or dwell on something negative. Telling myself "no" to the habit I have to being negative is the only thing that really has changed my tendency to keep coming back to depression.

Good Luck,

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 10:15pm
Thank you, MariaC. I'm actually doing all right, really pretty well compared to how I was before, in terms of fatigue...it's just hard to know sometimes how much an activity will tire me out, or how many days I'll need to recover! The pain has come back a little bit at times, too, mainly when I've been stressed or doing any kind of physical labor. But I am trying to get back some of my strength and endurance...I just went for 30 minutes of walking and jogging today and did a bit of light weights...I'm going to try to make that a habit.

Thanks also for the suggestion about PhD programs...I have definitely considered that route, but I have never really enjoyed research much. Actually I couldn't even get into a program this year because I don't have enough research experience...I wouldn't even know what subject to apply in...I've thought about either neuropsychology or medical anthropology (both strange-sounding, I know!), but I still have not spent any time in a lab or on-site for either subject...and I've read that the most important factor in PhD program admissions is research experience.

You're very right about my perfectionism and impossible standards. I've discussed this issue with my therapist (and with other therapists before her), but I cannot get my stubborn mind to accept any different or lower standards for myself...and I don't know that I want to. But I know that this perfectionism keeps me from doing a lot of things...for example, I try to write poetry, but I censor my own words before I even get them down on paper because I feel they are not "good enough."

I did have that book, "The Feeling Good Handbook," and I read it and worked with my (former) therapist on a program based on it. Even though we spent a good while with this approach--coming up with rational responses to situations, challenging illogical beliefs--I feel like I didn't make much progress. My current therapist agrees that some people who have been depressed a long time have such ingrained, long-standing negative beliefs that they find it difficult to believe in the validity of the supposed "rational" responses...this describes me perfectly. I will concede that there is a very small chance that my negative interpretation of a situation is not true...but I still think it is very likely that my interpretation is correct.

I agree with you that saying "no" to negative thoughts is vital to treating depression. I'm trying to do that now, especially after receiving these offers for med school interviews...I feel like I have to "pull myself together" and force myself to at least act somewhat positively. I'm not sure if I'm going about it the right way, though...I think I am really just trying to ignore my negative messages about myself.

Thanks again for your thoughts...I can really relate to the idea that you need to change your inner beliefs about yourself to overcome depression. I find this so difficult...for me, just telling myself "no" when a negative thought comes to mind has helped repress the thoughts some...but I honestly believe such negative things about myself that there seems to be no positive "foundation" on which to build. I'm not sure if this makes any sense...

One thing I do know is that there is at least a chance that I'm not mature enough or emotionally prepared to become a doctor. I know that other pre-med students have other issues and problems, and that some are still really immature...but I would want to enter medicine to help other people, not to hurt them or end up destroying myself.

I wonder if trying to get into med school is another of my many attempts at self-sabotage...but then again, it is something I think I would really take pride in, and even enjoy...so I just don't know. But it is strange to have gotten interviews at such well-known places when I'm so messed up inside! Maybe I should be a Hollywood actress instead, seeing as I have managed to pull off this act of being functional, at least for now...I'm worried about the interviews, though...

Thanks again, hope you're doing well,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 10:27pm
Hi, it's me again...I just wanted to add something about the fatigue. It's strange, on the days when I have been in a new situation (e.g. at my parents' new house) or doing physical activity, it's not unusual for me to become very tired very suddenly...just feel as though I have "hit a wall" in terms of functioning...and I end up sleeping for several hours (if that's possible in the situation) or basically falling asleep standing up, just "zoning out."

This reminds me of earlier, before I even had fibromyalgia, when I was on higher doses of antidepressants. I wouldn't get so physically tired by any means, but I would often feel a sudden need to sleep...it got so bad that I missed most of my classes for several semesters, and one doctor thought I had narcolepsy (just based on symptoms; I never had a formal sleep study).

Now I'm only on the lowest possible dose of Prozac (10 mg) and a low dose of Pamelor (25 mg) for the fibromyalgia...and I would be in much more pain, probably unable to function at all, off of these. So I don't know if the sleepiness and fatigue is due to the fibromyalgia itself, or to the medications. In any case, it does worry me when I think about starting med school. But maybe after I get used to a routine in med school, I would be OK...what do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 6:28pm

Hi, ((((((Rose))))))!

 

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CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 6:44pm
rose,

I think that is great that you have these interviews lined up you should be proud of yourself hun...

I am just about to run out the door and go home but I wanted to give you my support and tell you how great I think the news is you will do great be proud hold that head of your up high.

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 6:25pm
Hi, Barb...sorry it's taken me so long to get back to your post (I went over to my parents' for New Year's). I don't have my master's...just 3 undergrad degrees. I agree with you that psychoneuroimmunology sounds fascinating...I have read a bit about it, but I have to admit I'm not well-versed in basic immunology (didn't take that course in college), so I think I'd have to start there to get involved in that field.

Medical anthropology, from what I've read, can involve other cultures' uses of medicinal plants...but it has a wide range of applications and topics, such as the introduction of "Western" medicine into non-Western societies, and the ramifications and complications of doing that...also, the philosophies of medical systems of other societies, as well as the actual treatments for disease...sorry if this doesn't make much sense...it's just some of the themes I can think of off the top of my head.

So I was interested in that field for a while, in part because it would probably allow me to travel and take some photos...but then I realized, maybe that meant I should just pursue photography instead! In the past few days, I've still wavered a bit in my decision to go for med school...I don't know if I will miss photography too much (although I know I can keep it as a minor hobby if I ever have the time).

Thanks again for the reply, and the hugs,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 6:27pm
Thank you for your note...I was glad to get those interviews, actually very surprised... I've read that you're doing better yourself these days, and you should be proud of that too.

"Talk" to you later,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 10:49pm

What were the fields of your undergraduate degrees?


Barb

 

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CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 11:33pm
I got degrees in biology, psychology, and German...I have pretty diverse interests, I guess!

Sweet dreams (at least I'm heading to bed, I have to go to my temp job tomorrow morning),

Rose