Help......Long and possible triggers

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Help......Long and possible triggers
16
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 6:35pm
I need some advice, ideas, and support. I am not sure where to begin or how much information to give so that you will understand my feelings but I will try my best. I carry with me a lot of guilt of many different kinds but I think that the one that I need to address at this time is the guilt that I have about pushing my husband so hard. I have never been a person that likes confrontation so I try not to cause any conflict; this in turns causes me misery. I would rather make someone else happy then telling them how I really feel.

I am not sure where to start so I guess I will just jump in. I have several times in the past tried to tell my husband of my desires of how I would like our new home to be. In our previous, home we never really decorated it because we could never agree on anything. That home was a hodgepodge of furniture that we either were given or had purchased previously and we never painted until it came time to sale. My husband made me a deal, with the new home that we are in the process of building now; I can do what ever I wanted to to the inside. I ask him if this meant that if I wanted a pink master bedroom with lots of lace, fluffy pillows and French doors that this was okay with him and he agreed, not that I would want all that. Therefore, my artistic mind took flight and every time we were at a home building and design store I would always stop by the kitchen displays and dream. Several times I would try to catch my husband’s attention and show him my ideas for our new kitchen. Most of the time he would say that we were not ready to make those kind of decisions yet or we can not afford that. It got to the point that I would consciously make an effort not to look at the displays. I finally had to make myself not think about the house at all because it would make me so sad. Not that we could not afford the stuff but because I would picture something a certain way only to have, my husbands tell me that it could not be. With some many disappointments, I just gave up on dreaming about the house altogether. I know that this action had a profound influence on my depression. With the sale of our previous home, the lost of all my pets, Not living in my own home and having so many challenges come at me all at once; I lost my battle with stress.

When the diagnosis of depression was given, I did not share it with my husband. I thought that I could battle this by myself. My husband was never sure how much of the difficulty that he was going through with the house building that he could share with me and quite honestly, I could never tell how I would react to the news either. So I confessed that I was seeing our doctor for treatments for depression. After disclosing this information to my husband, some of the pressure I felt was released but my husband now began to feel the pressure. The treatments of light therapy and the supplements have helped. I still have days that are hard and the sadness takes its toll but I do survive. Here is were some of the guilt comes in. Because of my near break down my husband is working harder to find ways to get the house done sooner. Our original plan was to use the money from the sale of the previous home until it ran out and then build the rest out of pocket as money would allow. However, as life is so unpredictable we will have to find other means to find financing to finish. I am unwilling to wait, it has been four and a half years that we have been living with his parents and I am tired of feeling like a guest. Not that my in-laws make me feel that way it is just how I feel. I constantly feel like I have to act a certain way and I have to watch the little ones constantly so that they are on their best behavior. I feel so bad if the little ones break anything or if they get into something that they are not suppose to; this rarely happens probably because I am so vigilante about were they are and what there are doing. It is hard to get up every morning and be anxious all day; it takes its toll. Therefore, I push my husband to hurry and now it is taking a toll on him. He has to schedule meetings before and after his work, so that he can meet with subcontractors and he has to make sure all materials are on the job site when needed. We can not afford to turn the house construction over to anyone else. He is not sleeping at night and the stress is taking a toll on his health.

I have been thinking again, about how I want my kitchen to look and if your house is like mine, the kitchen is the main room in the house and everyone ends up in the kitchen. I have never like the modern sinks, water always collects between the wall and the sink and you are forever mop it up. Well, I pressed my husband to look at the sink that I wanted (which is a wall-mounted sink with a large backslash). Yes it cost much more that the standard rim on counter sinks but I would be eliminating the water between the wall and the sink. I have a million-dollar taste on a hundred-dollar budget. Why should I feel guilt for make my life a little easier? It was a good thing that I pressed my husband as the sink requires different plumbing and framing then the standard and we are right at the end of the framing and just before the plumbing. Some of the stuff that I have envisioned for our home is cosmetic and can wait until we are in the home and have the money but some of the stuff is constructive and needs to be address right away. The guilt from watching my husband battle with all that the construction entails is also weighting on me too. I do not want to cause more anxiety for him but I do want my house to look the way that I want it to be. There are other issues and I am not sure how to tell him but if we are to make the changes it will have to be soon. Do I add to his stress or live without my desires?

I do not know how to explain this without sounding really selfish but here goes. All of the time that I have known my husband he has always designs house he would even draw them on napkins. It has always been a dream of his to see one of his drawings becomes a real home and now it is almost a reality. Our new home contains a large garage and part of this garage is a woodworking workshop. The next level up is the living area and it contains a living room, dining room, kitchen, bedrooms and a large game room. The game room is to house the pool table that my husband has inherited. I was hoping that there would be a room that I can do my flowers and if I had to leave them to attend to an other task that I could just leave them and close the door. I had asked my husband on several occasions to please include this room in his plans. The room has never materialized and I feel a little sad yet again. I will have to do my crafts out in a an area that I will not be able to just leave the project there without having to pack it away each time. I know it sounds pity but this house is more for my husband then a house designed to meet some of my need. That is why I feel that I should be able to have the house look the way I want it to look, yet again another big pang of guilt.

So, do I press for the house to look or function the way I want causing us to incur more debt and cause my husband more stress or do I just live with the house the way it is designed now? The children and I will be in the house more then my husband would be, as he has to go to work. The cosmetic side of the house can wait it is the style, paint, and lighting, etc. that I would be dealing with right now. The whole thing is causing me such anxiety.

Thank you for reading, sorry it is so long, any and all suggestion are greatly appreciated.

Warmest Regards,

RainydaysArgon

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 6:59pm

((((((((Rainy))))))))), forgive me if I skip the main question and just share an idea I had as I read your post.

 

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CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 7:39pm
my take is that you should keep the house plans the way they are and get this house done so you can move in there. i think when you get there you will be so happy to have your own new house that you will not think about what you don't have but rather what you do. paint and small things can go a long way. if this sink would really make you feel better, find a way to make it happen. but there are so many decorating things that you will be doing with a new house that i am sure you will have tons to plan and tons of input. my advice is to start getting paint samples and planning stuff like that. when we were fixing up a house i was living in, we found that wal mart had the cheapest and best paint. i don't know what you are doing with the furniture, but maybe you could take things one thing at a time. i got a slipcover for an old couch b/c i couldnt afford a new one and it is a treat for me to have- i got it from this online site that was pretty cheap and easy to find (i can't remember the name, but if you want it i will look for it). concentrate on the house and some of the bigger and stiull inexpensive things you can do. feel better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 7:56pm
Wow Barb,

That is exactly why I posted my post. I have been looking at countertops color and texture etc at different web sites. In addition, if I found something that I like I would print off the pictures. I started to compile them into a notebook.

When my husband was first starting to design our house, he used a computer program. In that program I can going to each room and add or subtract things such as furniture and even change the color of the walls. My doc. has been after me to find something to help me keep my mind busy and this just seemed to be the right time to start doing this. The problem is I do not know how to tell my husband what I want and not feel guilty for it.

I read Foggy’s post about strength and courage and have come to the conclusion that I have the strength to tell my husband but not the courage, in lies the guilt. Thank you for your suggestions and always being there for the others and me.

Warmest Regards,

RainydaysArgon

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 8:59pm
Hi Vogue Girl 15,

Thank you for your response, I was not sure how people would read my post. I am not look to buy new furniture, we have so many things now but I did like you idea of the slipcovers, I will look into them later. What I want is to make arches in doorways that do not have doors. My kitchen doorway is nothing but an opening and I wish to make it an archway. Do I tell him that I want to do this or do I keep quiet and just live with it? All of my changes are structural, they are minor changes but they will cause my husband to have to work a little harder and many cost a little more. We have to make the decision soon as the framer is just about done. I had asked my husband to sit down a look at each room and what we what to do with that room but he is reluctant or maybe I should say busy. Do I push or just live with it, that is the question? I am so thankful that I can at least post here and get some input. I do not want to say anything to anyone within the family as it would get back to my husband before I had made up my mind to tell him.

Warm Regards,

RainydaysArgon

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 10:49pm

((((((((((((((((((((((Rainy,)))))))))))))))))))))))))


You said you had a notebook with all the ideas you have had about various different things in the house.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 9:18pm
Trac,

What good suggestions, in our previous home the pool table did double as a craft table but it cause a lot of heart ache when we both needed to use the space at the same time. As it has been in the past, within 24 hours of my posting the answer seems to come calling. My husband and I finally had a talk, the archway on two of the three doors are a no go. One of the doorways has walls that are not even and the other would not have enough head clearance to meet code but I can arch the one remaining doorway with no problems. We liked your suggestion on making shelves; there is a way to make a small closet with a door under the staircase in the pool table room, not the most desirous but doable.

I am glad that I decided to start designing the rooms now because there are so many things that have to be decided upon, like paint color, light fixtures and etc. Sure there is plenty of time but I am notorious for getting overwhelmed and not wanting to make decisions. The extra time will give me time to sort though all of my options and narrow them down to what will work. As my mother would say, “God help us all if the wallpaper does not go with the flooring.” I just what a nice looking home, not a cheep looking one. Sounds pity I know but I have live for four plus years in a cave, surrounded by boxes. I just what to be able to walk into a room that is pretty and claming and not a room that has sheet rock that is peeling off the walls and the molding that attacks you every time that you walk by. I know I am being impatient its just hard some days but soon real soon we will reach our goal. With all the support and wonderful ideas that everyone here on the board sends in my direction makes it all a little easier.


Warm Regards,

RainydaysArgon

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 10:26pm

Rainy,


My mom has this kind of table in her sewing room too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 1:44am
It's important to know that perfectionism is common precursor to depression.

Lots of things contribute to depression. Brain chemistry is a big part of it, but that usually changes to become depressive after the cycle of depression begins either from a major trauma or an accumulation of stress.

Remodeling or building a house is a cause of major stress. Most people I've talked to who've gone through that say it was one of the most stressful, unhappy times of their lives. Building your dream house sounds fun, but actually doing it is a nighmare. My dh did a major remodeling with his ex-wife years ago. The finished house ended up in Better Homes and Gardens, but their marriage ended up in divorce court. When I told him we should build our dream house, he told me that he would never do another construction project again in his life. Never. That was it.

I can't imagine the stress and pressure you are under living in your in-laws house. How many children do you have and how old are they? It is so difficult to even stay in someone else's house for a couple of days. I feel like I can't breathe very well when I'm staying with someone else. But to have to live with in-laws for a long, unspecified period of time is incredibly stressful!

From what you said, it doesn't sound like you are in therapy right now. I strongly suggest that you have your doctor recommend a good therapist to you RIGHT AWAY!!! You don't want to have dream house, but a miserable life. Having a good life is far more important than not having water splash behind your sink.

If you think that you need the house to be perfect, then you probably will create a lot of perfectionism, stress, and disappointment. Trying to create perfect external circumstances creates unrealistic expectations. Expectations and disappointment create stress and depression.

I hope that you and your husband both will go to counseling together. Therapy for you can help you sort out the priorities that will bring you true happiness. Couples counseling will help you and your husband connect with one another and forge a path through this chaos together. You are in this together, but just need a little objective guidance to find your way back to each other again.

Good luck and please use this board as a resource. It is a very supportive place.

Take Care,

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 9:30am

Hi hun,


I know how you feel in that I always seem to be 'giving in' to what my husband wants to keep the peace.. but then I get frustrated because I never get what "I" want!


Recently I have started to change that. Sometimes I dont even ask my DH anymore, I just go out and buy stuff that I want and he lives with it just fine hehe or otherwise I do put my foot down to get what I want for a change. Our new car was a good example. He only wanted a Ford truck and I had my heart set on a SUV finally after many years of only Fords and he gave in when we found the right deal hehee im the proud owner of a 2003 Jeep Liberty woot hehe..


Anyway my suggestion hun is since money is an issue too that you pick ONE Room for now like the Kitchen and stay firm with your ideas to get what you want.. Especially if its structural like a sink or countertop.. Stuff like beds and wallpaper etc can always be redone in a few years so if you cant afford it now be flexible and that way your DH sees your trying.. But dont compromise on what you really want in at least ONE room... in the long run the extra money now will be

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 5:41pm
Hi Maria C,

I never though of myself as a perfectionist until I read your post. I am very critical of my crafts but it stops there. My house is always in chaos, mainly because I do not like confrontation. Both my husband’s parents and mine lived through the “Depression” and both of us have inherited the philosophy that you have to save everything. This causes a lot of stress in the fact that you have to find space for all that stuff. I wish to stop the cycle now before it comes with us to the new house. I do from time to time get the energy and the will to go through things and eliminate the stuff that I think we do not need. I find that when it comes to my husband’s stuff that I feel it is not my place to choose what stays and want goes. I have tried to sort his things and ask him to look at want he would like to keep and what he would like to give away but if it is not his idea the task is never done.


As far as finding a therapist, we can not afford one at this time. I had emergency surgery about a year and a half ago and we are still paying for that. We are also paying out of pocket for my doctor visits. I just do not see how we can find the way to add any medical bills and finish the house.

My husband and I have both promised each other that we will never ever do this again. The stress is just too much.

Thank you again for your response.

Warmest Regards,

RainydaysArgon

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