Help......Long and possible triggers
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| Mon, 12-29-2003 - 6:35pm |
I am not sure where to start so I guess I will just jump in. I have several times in the past tried to tell my husband of my desires of how I would like our new home to be. In our previous, home we never really decorated it because we could never agree on anything. That home was a hodgepodge of furniture that we either were given or had purchased previously and we never painted until it came time to sale. My husband made me a deal, with the new home that we are in the process of building now; I can do what ever I wanted to to the inside. I ask him if this meant that if I wanted a pink master bedroom with lots of lace, fluffy pillows and French doors that this was okay with him and he agreed, not that I would want all that. Therefore, my artistic mind took flight and every time we were at a home building and design store I would always stop by the kitchen displays and dream. Several times I would try to catch my husband’s attention and show him my ideas for our new kitchen. Most of the time he would say that we were not ready to make those kind of decisions yet or we can not afford that. It got to the point that I would consciously make an effort not to look at the displays. I finally had to make myself not think about the house at all because it would make me so sad. Not that we could not afford the stuff but because I would picture something a certain way only to have, my husbands tell me that it could not be. With some many disappointments, I just gave up on dreaming about the house altogether. I know that this action had a profound influence on my depression. With the sale of our previous home, the lost of all my pets, Not living in my own home and having so many challenges come at me all at once; I lost my battle with stress.
When the diagnosis of depression was given, I did not share it with my husband. I thought that I could battle this by myself. My husband was never sure how much of the difficulty that he was going through with the house building that he could share with me and quite honestly, I could never tell how I would react to the news either. So I confessed that I was seeing our doctor for treatments for depression. After disclosing this information to my husband, some of the pressure I felt was released but my husband now began to feel the pressure. The treatments of light therapy and the supplements have helped. I still have days that are hard and the sadness takes its toll but I do survive. Here is were some of the guilt comes in. Because of my near break down my husband is working harder to find ways to get the house done sooner. Our original plan was to use the money from the sale of the previous home until it ran out and then build the rest out of pocket as money would allow. However, as life is so unpredictable we will have to find other means to find financing to finish. I am unwilling to wait, it has been four and a half years that we have been living with his parents and I am tired of feeling like a guest. Not that my in-laws make me feel that way it is just how I feel. I constantly feel like I have to act a certain way and I have to watch the little ones constantly so that they are on their best behavior. I feel so bad if the little ones break anything or if they get into something that they are not suppose to; this rarely happens probably because I am so vigilante about were they are and what there are doing. It is hard to get up every morning and be anxious all day; it takes its toll. Therefore, I push my husband to hurry and now it is taking a toll on him. He has to schedule meetings before and after his work, so that he can meet with subcontractors and he has to make sure all materials are on the job site when needed. We can not afford to turn the house construction over to anyone else. He is not sleeping at night and the stress is taking a toll on his health.
I have been thinking again, about how I want my kitchen to look and if your house is like mine, the kitchen is the main room in the house and everyone ends up in the kitchen. I have never like the modern sinks, water always collects between the wall and the sink and you are forever mop it up. Well, I pressed my husband to look at the sink that I wanted (which is a wall-mounted sink with a large backslash). Yes it cost much more that the standard rim on counter sinks but I would be eliminating the water between the wall and the sink. I have a million-dollar taste on a hundred-dollar budget. Why should I feel guilt for make my life a little easier? It was a good thing that I pressed my husband as the sink requires different plumbing and framing then the standard and we are right at the end of the framing and just before the plumbing. Some of the stuff that I have envisioned for our home is cosmetic and can wait until we are in the home and have the money but some of the stuff is constructive and needs to be address right away. The guilt from watching my husband battle with all that the construction entails is also weighting on me too. I do not want to cause more anxiety for him but I do want my house to look the way that I want it to be. There are other issues and I am not sure how to tell him but if we are to make the changes it will have to be soon. Do I add to his stress or live without my desires?
I do not know how to explain this without sounding really selfish but here goes. All of the time that I have known my husband he has always designs house he would even draw them on napkins. It has always been a dream of his to see one of his drawings becomes a real home and now it is almost a reality. Our new home contains a large garage and part of this garage is a woodworking workshop. The next level up is the living area and it contains a living room, dining room, kitchen, bedrooms and a large game room. The game room is to house the pool table that my husband has inherited. I was hoping that there would be a room that I can do my flowers and if I had to leave them to attend to an other task that I could just leave them and close the door. I had asked my husband on several occasions to please include this room in his plans. The room has never materialized and I feel a little sad yet again. I will have to do my crafts out in a an area that I will not be able to just leave the project there without having to pack it away each time. I know it sounds pity but this house is more for my husband then a house designed to meet some of my need. That is why I feel that I should be able to have the house look the way I want it to look, yet again another big pang of guilt.
So, do I press for the house to look or function the way I want causing us to incur more debt and cause my husband more stress or do I just live with the house the way it is designed now? The children and I will be in the house more then my husband would be, as he has to go to work. The cosmetic side of the house can wait it is the style, paint, and lighting, etc. that I would be dealing with right now. The whole thing is causing me such anxiety.
Thank you for reading, sorry it is so long, any and all suggestion are greatly appreciated.
Warmest Regards,
RainydaysArgon

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Thank you for the validation. I think I was look for someone to give me that extra courage to hold out for the things I want. I just felt guilt for spending so much on a sink. My husband actually agreed to the sink, it was just that I needed to tell him when I did because the framing and plumbing issues that needed to be addresses right then. Thank you for always being there for all of us.
Best wish to you for the coming New Year.
RainydaysArgon
(((((((((Rainy)))))))))), I know how tight finances must be for you, but there are still some ways you might be able to get some counseling.
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CL-ladybug987
Thank you for the information, I will look into both of those programs.
Best wishes for the coming New Year.
RainydaysArgon
I can only imagine what you are going through. I would like to have your problems.
Basically, I am in a relatively small, two bedroom apartment, that has a bathroom that is 4 feet wide and I am not joking. I am divorced and have a 14 year old daughter and we are on our own.
I would say to let your husband do the house the way he wants because we, as women, can always decorate things and make it a home much better an a guy can.
Before I left my husband and got divorced, we lived in a small, bungalow, two bedrooms and I would have killed to have new siding and windows put in. (It never happened after
16 years together).
Just enjoy your new home however it turns out. This is where compromise comes into effect and believe me, it isn't worth it. Enjoy--nothing is meant to be picture perfect.
I hope I didn't offend you, but I can't imagine having such wonderful problems and someone to share them with.
Good luck!
Pisces
No offence taken, sometimes I feel so guilty for complaining I am one of the luckiest people in the world. I have four wonderful children and a husband that loves me and tells me often. In fact, when I use to say I love you to him he would say I love you back but he and would hold his fingers up in the sign of an inch, meaning only a little. I know he was only joking but it has come back to bite him in the rear end. With all that is happening he has needed more of my support these days and that inch has turned into a very big hug and a "You know how much I love you don't you?" We need to be mindful of the things we say and do around our loved ones as things can come back to haunt us.
I understand your feeling of wanting to change places but I think that if you had to live the way I do right now that you may agree with me that it is not easy. Imagine if you will, living with you ex-mother-in-law for four and a half years. I love my in-laws but I can not take the constant stress and anxiety much longer. I would trade it in on a small space that I could call “My Own.”
Again, let me say that I take no offence and I do feel guilty complaining sometimes because I do not think that I have anything to complain about. I think that a big part of my depression is the constantly battle I do with my feelings on a daily basis.
Best Wishes to you and yours for the coming New Year,
RainydaysArgon
Thanks for posting.
I definitely do understand, however, all that you must be dealing with, adding to the fact that depression brings on a whole world and life of its own (which isn't pleasant).
I wish you a happier new year than last year and hope you find a piece of the house or your own little corner where you can escape even if it is just for a little while.
Take care,
Pisces
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