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| Mon, 12-29-2003 - 7:51pm |
my boyfriend opened up to me and confided that he had never felt happy in his life. he said that when he is with me or his friends, he is happy. but when he is alone, he feels like he has a hole and can never fill it. at first, i took this as an offense to me (we have been dating 4 months, and that fairy tale girl in me wants him to say "and you fill that hole") but then i realized that he has been depressed for a long time. he is very real with his feelings and willing to open up to me, but has never told anyone before. i know that he is open to seeing a counselor, but now that the subject has been dropped i don't know how to bring it back up and what to say. it's weird because he always tells me how much he is a private person and he keeps to himself- in fact his longest relationship was 9 months (and it was long distance) but he seems to be more ready to commit and open up to me. it even surprises me when he talks about how much of an introvert he is because he has great friends who he goes out with and is very social, and he can be very open to me lots of the time- although he hasn't told me he loved me which bothers me, but that is another topic.
ok, enough babbling. how do you guys think i should approach this? tell him to see someone? encourage him to talk to me too (sometimes i don't know if pushing is a good or a bad thing)? his depression is different than mine- when i am sad, i want hugs. he is the opposite and wants to be alone. what do you guys think i can do for him? i want him to feel better! thanks in advance for any advice :)

I have the perfect book for you! You may have seen me recommend it before. It is a great one! In fact, it's one of the best books that I've ever read. It is called "I Don't Want to Talk About It: The Secret Legacy of Male Depression" by Terrence Real. You can order it from Amazon. Sometimes local bookstores have it, but you usually have to order it.
This book is excellent. It explains how male depression expresses itself very differently than our depression. It explains why men get depressed, how hard it is for them to reach out for help, and how to go through the healing process.
The author discusses how men use work, sports, competition, and other addictions to mood alter themselves out of depression. Really, they are just distracting themselves from their inner pain.
Men don't know what they are feeling most of the time. The only feeling they are allowed to have in our society is anger. They aren't allowed emotional intimacy or connection growing up, so they become kind of emotionally dead inside. The author says that once men get into therapy and start to face their pain they often have to go on antidepressants temporarily until they begin to heal. Of course, he recommends therapy to help the healing process.
I know what your boyfriend means about having a "hole" inside him. I feel that way too. I was deeply depressed for the first few years of my relationship with my dh. He loved me so much and made me feel loved. I was happy most of the time he was around, but miserable when he was gone. And even he couldn't fill that hole. I knew I had to do it myself, but didn't know how. Even now when get down, nothing outside me ever makes me feel better. I just have to either let my pain out by crying or yelling in my car, or I have to change my negative thinking. Usually I have to let the pain out first, then change my thinking.
I know you want to make him happy, but you never can make anyone else happy. It's a cliche, but it's true.
I'd recommend getting the book and telling your boyfriend that you found it and it seemed really interesting. I gave it to a guy I knew who was depressed and he found it very revealing.
For a man, even telling someone he is depressed is very scary and risky. It might be hard to bring it up again, but you can look for an opening. Or you can just leave the book out on the coffee table while he's home. Or in the bathroom! If I want my dh to read something, I leave it in the bathroom. He always reads it!
At least now you know that your fears and feelings won't drive this guy away. He is dealing with them too. So many men have them. The fact that he shared them with you shows that he really cares about you and trusts you.
It's weird that he hasn't said I love you yet. Has he ever said it to anyone? A lot of guys have a hard time saying it the first time, but once they say it once they say it all the time.
Good luck! I'm always here if you want to talk. Feel free to email me.
MariaC
Love ya!
Trix