is it possible to ruin yourself
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| Tue, 12-30-2003 - 12:18pm |
Is it possible to ruin yourself????
The reson I pose this question onto all of you is that I have been doing ALOT of thinking
about myself and my life.
I have come to realize that things in my life have to always be a constant things can not be clam for me I tend to find it very hard to cope without drama in my life you know when you look at a pond and the water is calm then you throw a rock into it and the ripples come well that is me in my proverbial pond if the water is calm I need to start a ripple....
I know bad metafore but I am sure you all got the jist of what I am saying...
So anyways I have ordered some books online about self esteem and how to stop the negative voices in your head and I know most people would find this all a bit strange but to me I need all the insight I can get so I have been trying to not listen to the little voice in my head not the depression voive but the mean nasty voice that tells me I am ugly worthless fat ect....
I have a friend of mine up here from Cali. and he keeps telling me how pretty I have become I have not seen him since I was about 20 years old so we are talking 8 years since I last saw him and I have grown up and into myself and I dont believe him or I tell him that he is just saying that cause he is my friend ect...I tell that to anyone who compliments me I believe it to all be lies I guess..
So anyways my question is can you ruin yourself to others can you make yourself so ugly on the outside from the negative feelings on the inside you know make those feeling show on your face ect..? is that possible many people tell me that when you feel bad on the inside it reflects on the outside people get a look or a vibe off of you because I really feel that I do this that I have this vibe that others can sence and makes them stay away.
I do not think that I am all that and a bag of chips I am me I am short could never be a model even though I tried when I was little but all the fussing around agrivated me I work out alot obsessed with it more likley all though I have gotten better I was up in mass for 4 days missed two days of working out and i was okay with it and I ate like a pig cant pass up on all the good food so in that area I have gotten ALOT better.
I just wish I had more faith in me like loved whatever I just wish I could learn to live with me and not dislike myself so much, So I feel that I have ruined myself for others the scars on my arms the constant dieting and working out the self loathing it sucks it really does but it is so hard to break and I know that all of this contributes to the depressioN.
I have bi polar disorder and I know that I will be on a constant roller coaster and I guess I haveto accept this and just work with it to make my life better but what I hate is the down time I get I do not get supper sad anymore just a little sad and that is when the loathing kicks in I hate myself at this point but then I start to feel better the hating is still there that is a constant but when I am down it gets really bad and then when I feel okay the loathing isnt as strong and when I get a little manic it gets bad cause I just sit and stare at myself and wonder what else can I do to look better I colored my hair something I have not done in years work out alot run around the house I get a little nutty i guess and then I calm down and become normal for a few days the roller coaster I get used to its the not knowing what will happen which will hit first.
So anyways this came out alot longer than I wanted it to I am sorry for blabbing dont know if this made much sence at all but I hope it did but my head is so scattered today I doubt it made any sence at all.
Well I better run
have a great day.
Erin

Glad to hear that you are doing better with your eating.
Have you ever read Dr. Phil's books? He is really all for stopping that little tape recorder in your head of bad things you tell yourself. I do the same thing to myself, when I get a compliment I deny it. I hate to look in the mirror, and I really detest myself.
When I do my exercise, I do all this positive self talk. I tell myself that I am pretty, a good friend etc. It seems to be helping a little.
Take care sweetie
Pamela